Hartford, CT -

Representatives from several toilet paper manufacturing facilities reported late last week that due to a soaring demand in renewable resources, there have been shortages in trees.  Tree species that are used to produce both hardwood floors and toilet paper have been over harvested completely wiping out supermarket toilet paper supplies.

Many consumers of TP are fuming due to the irritation and not-so-fresh-feeling that toilet paper relieves.  Upon being asked about the situation, homemaker, Susan P. Heidges of Fairfield, CT replied, “It stinks.  My derriere, I mean.  I have tried timing BMs with daily showers, but I just don’t shower that much.  I’m literally a mess right now.”  Many others have similar sentiments and the public outcry is putting pressure on manufacturers to find substitutes.

Christina Walsh, a spokesperson for the lumber manufacturer, Timber Co., said Monday morning, “While we have always been responsible in replanting the trees we cut down, we never expected such a competitive market for our trees.  Too many companies are gunning for the same resource and we have over sold to the highest bidder.  We’ve learned a tough lesson and are now working quickly to find other sources to appease clients.”  Hardwood flooring, framing companies, and Viking ship builders are all bidding high for Timber Co.’s trees.

While evergreens, savory hickory, and sweet mesquite woods have been used in place of the preferred, soft and comforting ash tree, no substitute has been found.  Unable to fulfill demand, toilet paper manufacturers are urging wipers to be more conservative with their waste paper waste.  Some helpful tips are to wipe only when necessary, stick gum to table undersides, blow noses into elbow crook, and avoid leaving bathrooms with toilet paper stuck to shoes.  Above all, however, experts advise not using other products like printer paper or household pets as replacements as this may result in serious injury.