Kids – Don't Trust 'Em

They'll lie right to your face because it makes them giggle.

If there’s anything that I’ve learned in my whole entire life it’s that kids are elfin dumb liars and you can’t trust them.  I think it was either Mad Magazine or a parody of Mad Magazine on an episode of the Simpsons that advertised “Don’t trust anyone under 30.”   Don’t.  Kids don’t know anything hardly at all.

Take kids for example.  Do they know tax law? No.  Do they know how to spell?  Hell no.  Do they know what it’s like to be inside of a woman or a man?  They’re lying.  You may be asking, “Well, numb nuts, do you know that cool stuff?”   Not exactly at all really, no.  But that’s just the point.

Don’t trust me either.  I’m just a kid, too.  Sure, my ID says I’m old enough to go out right now in my mom’s car and buy liquor, and beer, and ammo for my guns, and pot, and cigarettes, and spray paint, and vote, and agree to the terms and conditions of a porn site on the net, but I’m not to be trusted with those errands.  The only reason I want to do those things is because I’m an idiot.

You’d better believe it’s my mission to drive around every day with a hard boner wasted on marijuana pot, alcohol shooters, and cigarette smokes so that I can unload a clip of bullets at some graffiti art that I just tagged at my polling place.  Even I can see all that sounds stupid, but I’m just young enough to do it all again.

Kids live to ruin their lives.  I don’t know of a single person over the age of 96 that does any of that sh*t.  They look in my direction near where they hear my voice with their cloudy, painful, cataract-stricken, soulless eyes and say, “Hey you dumb idiot kid!  Do me a favor and point that gun over this way.  Pull the trigger, Sonny.  Put me out of my misery. F*ckin’ do it you p*ssy punk kid…right after I cast my ballot!”  Oh don’t tempt me grandma.  I’d effin do it, too.

Old people scare the funk out of me and they smell rotten.  Have you ever seen one?  They’re…old.  No one should ever live that long.  It’s cruel.  If only they’d been better at being a kid, maybe they’d have already expired a more natural way like by means of a derailed motorcycle stunt or a mishap in a men’s bath house.

That would’ve been so sweet!  Kids just don’t have the life experience or knowledge to tell you the truth or to be trusted.  If they did, they’d probably be dead.