Monkeys Throw Poop

Start 'em young so they're strong enough to huck sh@t really hard

It may not be obvious to all but monkeys didn’t just start throwing poop, OK? It started with one monkey’s dedication to making monkey civilization a better place by analyzing the feces of sick monkeys and making them better.

It’s true that this unrecorded modern-day monkey doctor had acute observations and a great love for poop. Maybe there were undigested grubs or bananas in there that could be devoured.  What we equate to typical crazy ape sh*t, poo throwing behavior evolved from there.  My hypothesis as a notable scientist type is that all monkey communities have a designated “witch doctor” of sorts (usually the craziest monkey; the one that smells the other monkey’s sh*t).

You know?  Monkey tribal medicine.  Those are the special monkeys that get stolen from their native lands and launched into space.  They’re not the kind of monkeys whose brains were eaten in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  That’s how you contract AIDS.  They are quirky, social, helper monkeys that do sign language.  But they’re not human.

They still root around in monkey poop doing medieval diagnostics on poor sick chimps without so much as a rubber glove.  Dude, you live in a rubber tree, you’re doing doctor stuff, you’re smart, so get a f*cking clue.  Get the sh*t out of your hairy paw and reevaluate the situation; get protection.  Have you ever heard of using tools?  You’d shove a stick into a stinging ant hill to avoid being bitten, but you’d get monkey shit all over your fur glove for a grape seed?  You don’t even have soap.

Dumb monkeys.  That’s a nice story, but here’s how a monkey brain really works when he sees a scat item….pick up food, not smell like food, it poop, throw poop at zoo personnel, jump around and make lots of monkey noise, get drugged, monkey coma.  Hey monkeys, listen up, I’m going to sign this really slowly: you look dumb throwing poop, the girl monkeys (apettes?) are talking about you and it’s not good.  Just leave the turd tossing to me.  Besides, I’m really good at it.