A Letter To Mrs. Stransard

Mrs. Stransard is my boss at work.  Since I started working with her, our working relationship has really slipped.  At first she seemed quirky and fun but now I feel threatened.  I want to express my frustration with her but doing so would probably get me fired.  I need this job.  Here is a letter that I’ve written to her (somewhat annonymously, she doesn’t “get” technology):

Dear Mrs. Stransard,

Since my employment began nearly a year ago, I have noticed that our work relationship has gradually become uneasy and tense.  I know that your mandatory attendance at corporate “meetings” is merely an excuse to frequent the head shop across the street.  I didn’t realize that pipe shops were also typical hang outs for dead beat sex addicts.  I have seen you go in there and come out with multiple men.  The lack of communication in the office is probably due to all of the cocks shoved in your mouth throughout the day.  What’s worse is that your time out of the office is the most productive time of my day. 

In addition to being very distracting, I feel that your personal choices during working hours are having detrimental effects on morale in the office.  Your attempts at correcting morale problems are often shot when you parade around the office half naked and drunk.  Two times is way too many.  The last thing I want to see at work is a 63 year old set of sagging breasts and ass cheeks painted up in clown make up.  No matter what clever and colorful artistry you apply, your nipples and cesarean scars will always show how sad you really are.

I find it exceedingly difficult to complete work when you insist on playing your made up game “Stinkin’ Kitty Cat” where you lower your pants/lift your skirt, spread your bare ass, and sit on my computer mouse.  Your game is spoiled more (as if it were possible) when you stand up and walk away with the mouse cord still attached to you and my computer.  The suction sound that the mouse makes when it reaches the end of its tether as it pops out is one of the most unsettling noises I’ve ever heard; especially when you did it that day you were particularly sweaty.

It frightens me when you make balloon animals out of the condoms you find outside.  The glue inside of them is not there to preserve the inflation…that’s clearly ejaculate.  I know you know.  It angers me because you don’t trust my judgment.  As well you shouldn’t.  I have made a poor choice by continuing to further my career here.  Aside from your lack of respect for other people, I like this company and have tried to notify HR of your behavior several times.  I don’t know what kind of fur you’re pulling over their eyes but they have denied any wrong doing in every instance.  Unfortunately, my requests to transfer have been denied.  Upon this news, I would like for you to comply with several requests otherwise I will have you arrested for indecency:

Don’t touch me EVER

Do not call me EVER

Please do not ask me to smell your cell phone or work phone

Please do not invite me to lunch at any motels

Do not leave your pubic hair clippings on the toilet in the men’s bathroom (I know their yours because you sent out a memo)

Do not sneak up behind me and rest your breasts on my head when I am at my work station

Do not put your hand on my chair thumb up when I sit down next to you

Wear deodorant

Leave me alone

You have announced several times that you are an excellent boss, but the fact is you’re not.  You are a terrible manager and an even worse person.  Please leave me alone and we might get along just fine. 

Thank you in advance,

Wolsamnoraa