Cats And Technology

Cats can learn about technology, but do you know what it takes to teach them?

Hey there Albert Ninestein!  Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you.  So you wanna teach your cat about technology, do ya’?  Good luck.  I don’t think you have the capacity or the interpersonal skills to manipulate scientific information well enough for a cat to understand.  However, if you think that you can teach a cat, there is a way.

You’ll need to follow closely if you’re going to teach your cat anything.  First, you have to get a cat.  Got one?  Six.  Wow.  That’s a lot.  Well, pick one and get the others some tuna, they’re gonna wanna watch this.  Next, take the lucky winner and sit him down in an inexpensive, steel-framed computer chair.

You might use duct tape to keep his paws strapped down and his eye lids peeled open (don’t worry, cats can’t feel and he’s really gonna wanna see this).  Once the monster is firmly locked down, grab a burlap sack and quickly slip it over the chair.  Hurry, there isn’t much time.  Flip the chair upside down and pull the bag as far up as you can.

Get ready to close the bag, but before you do, round up the other five tuna lovers and throw them in the bag too.  Tie off the end using a twine rope.  Next, throw the cat sack in the trunk of your car.  Make sure that you throw it hard enough to silence any terrified meowers; you don’t want to have to answer any silly questions about the “cat noises coming from your trunk” should you happen to get pulled over.

Don’t worry too much if you didn’t quiet them all on the first throw, the exhaust fumes that go into the trunk when you drive off should put those little buggers out in a heartbeat.  Now, drive.  Find a secluded spot in a forest where a river runs deep.  Remove the cats from the trunk and shake the bag.

Wake them up.  Are they riled?  Good.  Now, toss the whole sack into the river.  The chair will help sink the bag as the cats try to claw their way out.  There.  That oughta teach ’em.

Go hear the audio for this blog at The Boy’s Club for Men.