Tough as snails.

I’m tough.  Yeah, you heard me!  I’m tough as bullet-proof bricks.  I’m so tough that when I bend, I break…your nose.  If I were a piece of lumber, I’d be a sixteen-foot long steel I-beam.  I get most of my toughness from my parents.  My father was tough.  The skin on his face was sixty-eight percent rhinoceros hide and thirty-four percent barbed wire.  Before my mother met my father, she bare-knuckle boxed grizzly bears at the circus freak show.  She wasn’t even apart of the act, the bears just had a bad attitude.  I was conceived during a gun fight in which everyone died, including my parents.  My heart beat was so strong, I revived my mother and kept her alive for eleven months before deciding it was time to be born.  I drank whiskey instead of breast milk.  My first toy was machete that I used to shave.  My bones are titanium just like the frames on my glasses.  I eat light bulbs and piss blood.  I’m so tough that I made a woman cry just by whispering my name.  I once bit through a rattle snake using its own fangs.  I don’t wear shoes in the snow and I don’t wipe my feet.  I don’t need oxygen to live because I breathe souls.  I Karate chop trees for fun.  I’m so tough that when I die, I’ll have to be buried alive.  You couldn’t even cremate me because my bones are flame resistant.  Yeah, I’m tough alright…definitely tougher than you.

Go hear this audio at The Boy’s Club for Men.