Wolsamnoraa's Blog

My mother is a big, hairy gorilla.  That’s right, stay with me.  She’s an ape.

If you ask her about it, she claims to be of a young evolutionary age. Her name is Simeon.  She was born in a jungle, she fishes ants out of logs with sticks and she has a hairy back like all the other gorillas.

She talks to me using the monkey sign language that she learned at the institute.

You’re probably wondering where I came from and why I don’t look much like a baby gorilla.  First of all, you haven’t seen my hairy back and secondly, my father was a run of the mill banana salesman.  Mom was his best customer and paid in full with premium primate lovin’.

Come 'ere, Gorilla Baby...mmmuuah

Thankfully, I only got Dad’s good looks and not his lust for monkey meat.

Dad died when I was just a boy of ape.  During one of her sh&t fits, mom accidentally suffocated him with poop.  I tried to figure out why she was so mad I got confused when she tried to use her monkey sign language while hurling feces.

I found out later that Dad was cheating on mom with some overgrown chimp named Buttons.  After that they sent her to sit behind bars at the zoo.

The zoo keepers try to get her to mate by putting male gorillas in her cage.   She mates, but I can’t bear to watch.  I can see the pain in her eyes when she’s getting aped from behind.

She told me that she misses Dad and that no other gorilla can take his place.  I said, “What about another man?”

A switch flipped.  She got so excited that the zoo keepers tazed her.  I went to the only place I know to find an ape loving man…the “Miscellaneous Romance” section on Craigslist.

I found my gorilla mom a human man.  He is ironically named Evolution.  He and my mother, Simeon, have fallen in love.  She is going to remarry.  I am happy for my monkey mom, but I’m disturbed by Evolution’s motives.  It’s a sick thing for a man to lust for a gorilla.

I’m not going to their wedding.  My mother went ape shit when she heard this and sent Evolution to come talk to me.

Evolution said to me, “Marriage of man and ape is the natural progression.”  To which I replied, “Evolution, you can take your love a step farther, but I won’t have you as a step father.”