Wolsamnoraa's Blog

"Sorry ladies, the alligator on my shirt says 'I'm next'." - Ax to Max

Fewer places are more daunting than a public men’s restroom. There are too many variables to adjust for when dudes get together with their wieners out. Add booze to the equation (like at your favorite sports venue), and what was once a quiet place to poop and check email, quickly becomes a one-eyed surprise staring at you through a glory hole above the toilet paper roll. Outside the stall, you’ll find that urinals without dividers invite awkward heckles at your stubby wang. Jerryrigged stall doors are an inevitable peepshow into your “wipe-’til-it’s-white”  stratagem. And don’t think that just because you’re  in a one-holer, you’re alone. Herpes travels well and does not care if you build an ass fort of disposable liners on the seat or disinfect with bleach. It will get you. In spite of the perils that lurk behind the man on the triangle, when nature calls, you gotta answer. Here, then, are 10 reasons the men’s room is a tough place to pee:

10.) Despite all that you’ve learned from the Ghostbuster’s movies, the guy next to you wants to cross streams.

9.) Urinals at the gay bar are dudes on their knees, mouths agape.

8.) The guy waiting behind you has his hand in your pocket.

7.) The only thing deeper sounding than peeing into the center of the bowl is a stranger’s voice at the trough calling you out for peeing in a stall.

6.) The guy waiting behind you  stopped waiting all over your legs.

5.) One thing’s for sure, the line to use the pot is longer than your bladder is big.

4.) When you finish, there will ultimately be pee on your leg and/or pants.

3.) Whether out in the woods or in the red light district, if your dingus is exposed, you gotta watch for cruising bears.

2.) The outside of your pants will ultimately be speckled with someone else’s pubic hair.

~and, finally~

1.) Most rapists agree, a victim is most vulnerable when his pants are already unbuttoned.

Some parents are blessed with children and some are blessed with alimony payments. If you’re like my dad, you’d be dead. That’s because raising another human is extremely difficult. So much so that some parents have a hard time coming to grips with it. They run or die trying. And why not? There is a lot on the line. Children are like houseplants that decompose slowly in a heap of neglect only to emerge on the other side of puberty as the ferns of society (i.e. extremely boring/dangerous). Most parents are delusional and believe that their children will become mature, responsible adults when, in fact, the children are in the back seat of a sedan sadly looking through the rear window as the cab fills with pond water (read: Casey Anthony).  If you’re not sure what kind of parent you are, it might be helpful to examine what actions you take on a daily basis. Chances are you’ve already blown it. Here, then, are 10 reasons you are a dead beat parent:

10.) You’re just doing it the way your parents did.

God dad, you're being a total d*ck

9.) You warned them; “If they keep eating all the food, you’re gonna stop buying it.”

8.) The congregation of bedbugs on your child’s bed and plush toys scatter into his mouth when the lights come on.

7.) Her first job is prostitution. Her second job is to pay rent.

6.) The state says so.

5.) Birthdays? You can’t even remember your kid’s name…Pepper? Todd, maybe.

4.) You’re a staunch Evangelist.

3.) After the divorce, you moved into a studio apartment to hook up with chicks and get your life back together.

2.) All your bedtime stories are about your new relationship with meth.

~and, finally~

1.) Visitation consists of kidnapping.

"It's not racism if I'm just acting like a racist." -Mel Gibson

Did you ever stop a conversation just by downplaying the plights of Mexicans or Jews? Of course you have. You’re socially awkward. More than that, you’re a north of the border racist. When you’re not at one of your dignified kleetings (Klan meeting/beating), you’re busy postulating the extinction of the white male.  And why shouldn’t you be concerned? According to everything you’ve ever heard from FOX News, you’re a dying breed. You are no more than a fading photograph in the hand of a time-traveling Marty McFly. At this point, the only thing you have any power over is aligning with people who might share your views. Finding like-minded people by testing the waters is tricky especially when those waters are riddled with so many “Chinks and their goddamn junk boats”. So, what do you do? You start chatting up a whore you want to impregnate and right in the middle of negotiations, you unconsciously lay an egg. Here, then, are 10 reasons that you sound wildly racist:

10.) Jews haven’t been called “Hebrews” since before the pyramids. And they haven’t been called “Mud People” since the King James Bible went obsolete.

9.) You don’t have to keep explicitly reiterating what you mean when you say “the N-word”.

8.) The voids in your teeth whistle when you stress that “they should be called Mexi-can’t's”.

7.) Okay. We get it. Rush Limbaugh is your guiding light.

6.) Call them “white trash” if you want, but isn’t this your trailer home?

5.) Your mason jar of ‘shine is empty.

4.) References to the “Bill of Rights” have only weakened your argument for slavery.

3.) You hold a degree from a state college.

2.) Nowhere in the Koran does it define Islam as “a heinous tribe of sand-surfin’, baby-eatin’ banshees”.

~and, finally~

1.) You’re white hood is stained with chaw.

If He wins it all, there will definitely be a second coming

Like the Virgin Mary, Josh McDaniels existed for one reason: Bring the Messiah to the Denver Broncos. Despite what the players on the defensive side of the ball say, Tim Tebow is the second coming of the Lord and the sole proprietor of continued victory in the Mile High City. After starting the 2011 season a dismal 1-4, He rode in on a glorious white horse named Thunder and usurped the evil force that was Kyle Orton’s drunken neck beard only to save a struggling spread offense with the quarterback draw, wildcat option and, ever impressive, victory formation. Field kick after field kick, stand after defensive stand, punt after punt, Tim Tebow carried the weight of his lackadaisical brethren through the belly of the beast and emerged as a playoff contender. Through the adversity and grit, the holy son was born (again)! Glory, glory Tebolujah! Here, then, are 10 reasons that Tim Tebow is the Messiah:

10.) Chuck Norris prays to the sweet baby Tebow.

9.) More people tuned in to watch Tim Tebow thwart the Pittsburgh Steelers than to watch Ross confess his love for Rachel on the finale of Friends.

8.) Matt Prater points at Tim Tebow after every game winning field goal.

7.) Tim Tebow has strength enough to carry twenty-one full grown men.

6.) His capstone project at the Holy University of Florida was writing the Newest Testament.

5.) After winning the Heisman Trophy, He smelted it because of its false likeness to Him.

4.) Taking the job in the Mile High City was a ploy to be closer to home.

3.) Future generations will speak of a Promise Land not of milk and honey, but of hilarious beer commercials in a place called Indiana.

2.) Kneeling pads have been installed at Sports Authority Field for more Tebowing.

~and, finally~

1.) He died on the cross for our wins.