10 Reasons You’re A Dead Beat

Some parents are blessed with children and some are blessed with alimony payments. If you’re like my dad, you’d be dead. That’s because raising another human is extremely difficult. So much so that some parents have a hard time coming to grips with it. They run or die trying. And why not? There is a lot on the line. Children are like houseplants that decompose slowly in a heap of neglect only to emerge on the other side of puberty as the ferns of society (i.e. extremely boring/dangerous). Most parents are delusional and believe that their children will become mature, responsible adults when, in fact, the children are in the back seat of a sedan sadly looking through the rear window as the cab fills with pond water (read: Casey Anthony).  If you’re not sure what kind of parent you are, it might be helpful to examine what actions you take on a daily basis. Chances are you’ve already blown it. Here, then, are 10 reasons you are a dead beat parent:

10.) You’re just doing it the way your parents did.

God dad, you're being a total d*ck

9.) You warned them; “If they keep eating all the food, you’re gonna stop buying it.”

8.) The congregation of bedbugs on your child’s bed and plush toys scatter into his mouth when the lights come on.

7.) Her first job is prostitution. Her second job is to pay rent.

6.) The state says so.

5.) Birthdays? You can’t even remember your kid’s name…Pepper? Todd, maybe.

4.) You’re a staunch Evangelist.

3.) After the divorce, you moved into a studio apartment to hook up with chicks and get your life back together.

2.) All your bedtime stories are about your new relationship with meth.

~and, finally~

1.) Visitation consists of kidnapping.