Wolsamnoraa's Blog

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Gaga, you're such a free spirit. Your style inspires me(at).

There’s always been a little voice in the back of your head that screams “Fabulous” every time Lady Gaga puts on her meat suit. Your high school year book is riddled with graphic references to elephant walks and games of grab-ass you orchestrated in the locker room with the debate team. You don’t like to watch porn unless there is at least one penis “in it”. While these subtle cravings for manly endearment seem like the blaring siren and flashing disco ball indicating your supreme gayness, they’re not. This is normal and not gay. Sure, you like dancing exclusively with your homeboys at the club and you appreciate long, late night chats with your best bud. That’s perfectly understandable and not gay. The flamboyancy of the male mind requires a certain amount of affection, stimulation and compassion that can only come from other men. Just because it causes your parents to regularly confront you about your homosexual inclinations doesn’t mean you should be concerned. Your behavior is normal and explainable and not gay. Here, then, are 10 reasons you might be gay, but you’re not:

10.) Your lisp is a speech impediment you got as a kid when a mare kicked your head at horse jumping practice.

9.) If chicks can kiss their friends on the mouth for fun, then surely you should be able to kiss your bros.

8.) College was a time for experimentation. Everyone tries to relive the glory days. You’ve just literally put the past behind you.

7.) Constant erections when you ride buses are due entirely to bumpy roads and not day dreams about taking a deep ball from the first string quarterback.

6.) You hate the idea of raping even though you’ve entertained the idea of getting raped.

5.) Checking for glory holes in seedy bathrooms is merely a safety precaution.

4.) Lots of people happen to think that Paula Poundstone is funny.

3.) Ensuring your mid-section touches when you hug your priest just demonstrates your growing faith in him.

2.) Crying (even if every night) is a good way to alleviate your fears of vaginae.

~and, finally~

1.) Anal sex tears you up inside.

No one ever kicked the leg off a stool like Mark Antony did in 33BC. At a time when years regressed yet everyone got older, this double first-named sonuvabitch had a total blowout with his best buds (the Second Triumvirate) that led to a double suicide with his sh*tty girlfriend, Pharaoh of Egypt, enslaver of the Hebes, hoarder of mummified cats, Cleopatra (Single names are almost as bad as doubles). Ralph Lauren is racist towards black people even though they love his clothes. Tom Arnold sucks. Bea Arthur, deceased. Listening to country music is like smelling eggy farts which is why Randy Travis is an *sshole. “Keep it down up there, Anne Frank! You wanna get us all killed?” quoth a lot of dead Jews.

A double first name is a better indicator of your shady disposition than growing up in foster care. What is it about the double first-name phenomenon that stimulates such a contemptible person? I’m glad you asked. Here, then, are 10 reasons two first names makes you an *sshole:

10.) It’s not that I hate you if you’re named Andy Dick, it’s just your name says a lot about who you are.

9.) Hey, Katy Perry! Are you a chick or what? Why do I have a boner?

8.) Comic detective, Dick Tracy, spent his finest hour manhandling Blowtop Jones and Pinkie the Stabber.

7.) I’m guessing that  if you ran into guys named Mike Williams or Mike Frank you’d realize they are two bears who sixty-nine backwards so they can lick the honey out of each others *sses.

6.) Ronald Reagan‘s economics still don’t know if they’re coming or going.

5.) Tom Brady may be handsome, but I bet you didn’t know he’s a Quaker.

4.) Bruce Lee was fatally ninjured on the job.

3.) Believe me when I tell you that Muhammad Ali‘s cauliflower ear is more inviting than his other cauliflowered parts. “Float like a butterfly, stings when I pee.”

2.) Even Edmonton, Alberta in Canada sounds like a place homeless rapists go to die.

~and, finally~

1.) Even the triple threat and voice of Simba himself , Jonathan Taylor Thomas, has vanished into obscurity, possibly to Edmonton, Alberta.

She did it right until it all went wrong.

My grandmother was murdered last week. She was struck in the head by a stroke. Maybe murder is too strong a word. She died because she lived for 90 years. Of all the people to die, old ones do more frequently. It’s a beautiful thing for a person to pay back borrowed time by living a long life; paying down the principal one day at a time. Before she was laid to rest, she was a stand up lady. She was independent and loved a lot of people. She also hated a lot of people which was hilarious. When someone dies, they say that instead of mourning the loss, we should celebrate the life. Even though I’d prefer it if people would celebrate my life when I’m alive, Grandma’s life is worth commemorating posthumously. She was a real spitfire. Here, then, are 10 reasons my grandma was the greatest:

10.) She drank a Heineken for lunch and a glass of scotch for dinner every day.

9.) The only time she ever cried was the day I was born.

8.) Punxsutawney Phil, the whistle pig that predicts winter’s end, was created in her likeness when she, after seeing her shadow, accurately forecast that one day a groundhog that saw its shadow would determine the length of winter.

7.) She owned a Korean restaurant that never once served dog.

6.) She made it through the Great Depression by cashing in her counterfeit Confederate States bank notes.

5.) She could boil water with her scorn.

4.) She invented condoms but never used them.

3.) After WWII, she turned an old train car into a speakeasy and called it the Jews Box.

2.) Her favorite cereal was Hell Raisin Bran.

~and, finally~

1.) She beat Oregon Trail…not the computer game, the real Oregon Trail.

With buns made out of pizza, you'll never again fit in an airplane seat.

Nothing elicits Pavlov’s doggie-style mouth watering like when fat people sense food. Give a gastropod a hoagie and he’ll mouth f*ck it into submission. All he needs to choke down each baby-head-sized-bite of meat and cheese is a dipping concoction of mayonnaise and two-liters of Mountain Dew.

What we conclude from this act of food rape is that the human body has a natural attraction to sweet, salty and fatty foods. Historically speaking, those foods provided the most nutritional bang for the buck. To a caveman, for example, the nutrition of fresh nuts and berries couldn’t hold a stick to a fat-laden, calorie dense plate of Moons Over My Hammy.

The problem facing Fatty Foodsack and his giant meat sandwich is that the governor that is supposed to regulate his calorie intake goes berserk when he’s just thinking about food. One meal snowballs into two, then three servings and dessert.

The fat, er, fact of the matter is that in some cases, food can become an addiction. Fatty stops thinking about how satisfying each bite is and, instead, focuses on cramming as much as he possibly can passed his many chins and fat folds, down his gullet. This downward cycle can be irreversible considering people need food to live. Here, then, are 10 reasons that fat people stay fat:

10.) They’re American, dammit!

9.) Thanks to the contradictory nature of food science, fatties don’t eat vegetables because they both lose too many nutrients when cooked and are indigestible when eaten raw.

8.) They hate the taste of water despite water being completely void of taste.

7.) Exercise isn’t the problem. It’s the sound of heavy breathing that’s scary.

6.) Why walk when they can sit?

5.) The most important meal of the day is second breakfast.

4.) Their four food groups are vegetables and fruit (snacks), whole grain (brownies), meat (pies) and Dairy (Queen).

3.) Pizza burger pie (see picture).

2.) This lifestyle is all part of God’s master flan.

~and, finally~

1.) Fat people eat their feelings if by “feelings” you mean “deep-fried bacon wrapped bacon poppers”.

Dogs are boys and cats are girls. That’s what five-year-olds think. Then again, five-year-olds are stupid.

“Call me when you’re six, I’ll show you a solid goal line package.” – Jerry Sandusky.

If anything, cats are men with bold dreams and powerful claws. It is the opinion of several hoarders that the world’s most adorable dog is still uglier than two dozen of their emaciated, dried up cats. I tend to agree; Hoarders are crazy.

What you might not know is hoarders have the exact opposite amount of crazy as homeless people. Their lives are paralleled by the fact that both live in immeasurable heaps of garbage. You might say that hoarders are indoor bums. Homeless people can be compared to a lot of other things that are not human. It’s a lot of fun. Let’s try it again! Here, then, are 10 reasons cats are like homeless people:

I haz brainz!!

10.) They sh*t next to boxes of sand!

9.) You don’t have to feed them every day.

8.) They always want something to drink in the most desperate way possible.

7.) They beg and beg and beg and when they finally get what they want they turn their backs on you.

6.) They frolic in trash and sleep in boxes.

5.) If they don’t get shots, they’re susceptible to rabies.

4.) Whiskers!

3.) They are capable of sitting lifelessly in one sunny spot for hours on end.

2.) They smell like they bathed with their tongues.

~and, finally~

1.) If you break down and let one into your house, it will mark it’s territory and stay forever.