Wolsamnoraa's Blog

With buns made out of pizza, you'll never again fit in an airplane seat.

Nothing elicits Pavlov’s doggie-style mouth watering like when fat people sense food. Give a gastropod a hoagie and he’ll mouth f*ck it into submission. All he needs to choke down each baby-head-sized-bite of meat and cheese is a dipping concoction of mayonnaise and two-liters of Mountain Dew.

What we conclude from this act of food rape is that the human body has a natural attraction to sweet, salty and fatty foods. Historically speaking, those foods provided the most nutritional bang for the buck. To a caveman, for example, the nutrition of fresh nuts and berries couldn’t hold a stick to a fat-laden, calorie dense plate of Moons Over My Hammy.

The problem facing Fatty Foodsack and his giant meat sandwich is that the governor that is supposed to regulate his calorie intake goes berserk when he’s just thinking about food. One meal snowballs into two, then three servings and dessert.

The fat, er, fact of the matter is that in some cases, food can become an addiction. Fatty stops thinking about how satisfying each bite is and, instead, focuses on cramming as much as he possibly can passed his many chins and fat folds, down his gullet. This downward cycle can be irreversible considering people need food to live. Here, then, are 10 reasons that fat people stay fat:

10.) They’re American, dammit!

9.) Thanks to the contradictory nature of food science, fatties don’t eat vegetables because they both lose too many nutrients when cooked and are indigestible when eaten raw.

8.) They hate the taste of water despite water being completely void of taste.

7.) Exercise isn’t the problem. It’s the sound of heavy breathing that’s scary.

6.) Why walk when they can sit?

5.) The most important meal of the day is second breakfast.

4.) Their four food groups are vegetables and fruit (snacks), whole grain (brownies), meat (pies) and Dairy (Queen).

3.) Pizza burger pie (see picture).

2.) This lifestyle is all part of God’s master flan.

~and, finally~

1.) Fat people eat their feelings if by “feelings” you mean “deep-fried bacon wrapped bacon poppers”.