10 Reasons My Grandma Was The Greatest

She did it right until it all went wrong.

My grandmother was murdered last week. She was struck in the head by a stroke. Maybe murder is too strong a word. She died because she lived for 90 years. Of all the people to die, old ones do more frequently. It’s a beautiful thing for a person to pay back borrowed time by living a long life; paying down the principal one day at a time. Before she was laid to rest, she was a stand up lady. She was independent and loved a lot of people. She also hated a lot of people which was hilarious. When someone dies, they say that instead of mourning the loss, we should celebrate the life. Even though I’d prefer it if people would celebrate my life when I’m alive, Grandma’s life is worth commemorating posthumously. She was a real spitfire. Here, then, are 10 reasons my grandma was the greatest:

10.) She drank a Heineken for lunch and a glass of scotch for dinner every day.

9.) The only time she ever cried was the day I was born.

8.) Punxsutawney Phil, the whistle pig that predicts winter’s end, was created in her likeness when she, after seeing her shadow, accurately forecast that one day a groundhog that saw its shadow would determine the length of winter.

7.) She owned a Korean restaurant that never once served dog.

6.) She made it through the Great Depression by cashing in her counterfeit Confederate States bank notes.

5.) She could boil water with her scorn.

4.) She invented condoms but never used them.

3.) After WWII, she turned an old train car into a speakeasy and called it the Jews Box.

2.) Her favorite cereal was Hell Raisin Bran.

~and, finally~

1.) She beat Oregon Trail…not the computer game, the real Oregon Trail.