Wolsamnoraa's Blog

"Quit looking at my twits, twurtles...I mean tweets, turtles." - The Freypril O'Neil

We can all agree that April, as a month, exists. Factually speaking, April has been around since just after the beginning of time (3 months and some change after to be exact). The meaning of its name couldn’t pair any better with its arrival. April connotes feelings of freshness and renewal just like spring time or a tampon commercial. Consequently for those living south of the Equator, April signifies a haunting feeling that the death and cold of winter is just around the corner. April is all things to all people. With such a extensive meaning, why, pray tell, did we come to call it April? Surely, there were other options available. Here, then, are 10 reasons they call it April:

10.) Praypril got Tim Tebow’s vote which meant only the New York Jets would go for it.

9.) Gaypril was too hot for some to handle and too much handle for some to grasp.

8.) Chaipril was, despite it’s deliciousness, at $4.25 for a Starbucks grande, too pricey for normals and too mainstream for hipsters.

7.) Paypril. Yeah, right. Like we needed another reminder that it’s tax season.

6.) No one but the horse constituency seemed to agree on Neighpril.

5.) Rapril, while enlightening the world to the problem of predatory sexual behavior, ultimately led to more rape.

4.) Mapril sounded like a breakfast syrup or a silly conglomeration of April and, its less popular sister month, Moctober.

3.) ¿Qué-pril? La palabra se originó en una cultura que es foriegn y, a menos que significaDoritos Tacos Locos, es una amenaza para los arizonenses.

2.) Yay!pril really spooked old folks causing many spring time strokes.

~and, finally~

1.) Spaypril was a nutless idea.

Why do today what you can put off forever?

What did you f*cking expect, dude? I can’t do EVERYTHING. In fact, looking back at my track record, I can’t do much of anything. It’s not that I’m not ambitious. I’ve got all sorts of dreams and aspirations. I want to be a movie star and a rock legend and an elite athlete and whatnot. But it’s so hard to be any of those things when it’s so damn hot outside. And, oh God, it’s already three o’clock?! I’ll just have to get on it tomorrow.

They say that an object in motion will stay in motion, but when you’re a lazy blob like me, it takes so much energy to you know…something or whatever. You know? Doing stuff makes me feel like I’m fighting my natural resistance to productivity. Just like a porn star, I don’t fight resistance. And I don’t want to feel bad about it either. Here, then, are 10 reasons that procrastination is a good thing:

10.) Of course procrastination is positive; It’s got ‘pro’ right there in the word.

9.) I can’t miss an opportunity when I’m not committed to anything else.

8.) Wayne Gretzky said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I’m pretty sure when he said “shots” he meant “naps”.

7.) If meeting deadlines was a good thing they would have called them lifelines.

6.) It takes more muscles to smile than it does to do nothing.

5.) People are less disappointed in me when they have no expectations of me in the first place.

4.) Without the invention of procrastination, we couldn’t have the opposite…whatever that is.

3.) Waiting too long to make dinner tonight only means I’m having breakfast tomorrow.

2.) No one will expect me to finish something if I don’t start.

~and, finally~

1.) My inability to do stuff let’s you be creative! (Insert your finest reason procrastination is a good thing in the comment section)

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Gaga, you're such a free spirit. Your style inspires me(at).

There’s always been a little voice in the back of your head that screams “Fabulous” every time Lady Gaga puts on her meat suit. Your high school year book is riddled with graphic references to elephant walks and games of grab-ass you orchestrated in the locker room with the debate team. You don’t like to watch porn unless there is at least one penis “in it”. While these subtle cravings for manly endearment seem like the blaring siren and flashing disco ball indicating your supreme gayness, they’re not. This is normal and not gay. Sure, you like dancing exclusively with your homeboys at the club and you appreciate long, late night chats with your best bud. That’s perfectly understandable and not gay. The flamboyancy of the male mind requires a certain amount of affection, stimulation and compassion that can only come from other men. Just because it causes your parents to regularly confront you about your homosexual inclinations doesn’t mean you should be concerned. Your behavior is normal and explainable and not gay. Here, then, are 10 reasons you might be gay, but you’re not:

10.) Your lisp is a speech impediment you got as a kid when a mare kicked your head at horse jumping practice.

9.) If chicks can kiss their friends on the mouth for fun, then surely you should be able to kiss your bros.

8.) College was a time for experimentation. Everyone tries to relive the glory days. You’ve just literally put the past behind you.

7.) Constant erections when you ride buses are due entirely to bumpy roads and not day dreams about taking a deep ball from the first string quarterback.

6.) You hate the idea of raping even though you’ve entertained the idea of getting raped.

5.) Checking for glory holes in seedy bathrooms is merely a safety precaution.

4.) Lots of people happen to think that Paula Poundstone is funny.

3.) Ensuring your mid-section touches when you hug your priest just demonstrates your growing faith in him.

2.) Crying (even if every night) is a good way to alleviate your fears of vaginae.

~and, finally~

1.) Anal sex tears you up inside.

No one ever kicked the leg off a stool like Mark Antony did in 33BC. At a time when years regressed yet everyone got older, this double first-named sonuvabitch had a total blowout with his best buds (the Second Triumvirate) that led to a double suicide with his sh*tty girlfriend, Pharaoh of Egypt, enslaver of the Hebes, hoarder of mummified cats, Cleopatra (Single names are almost as bad as doubles). Ralph Lauren is racist towards black people even though they love his clothes. Tom Arnold sucks. Bea Arthur, deceased. Listening to country music is like smelling eggy farts which is why Randy Travis is an *sshole. “Keep it down up there, Anne Frank! You wanna get us all killed?” quoth a lot of dead Jews.

A double first name is a better indicator of your shady disposition than growing up in foster care. What is it about the double first-name phenomenon that stimulates such a contemptible person? I’m glad you asked. Here, then, are 10 reasons two first names makes you an *sshole:

10.) It’s not that I hate you if you’re named Andy Dick, it’s just your name says a lot about who you are.

9.) Hey, Katy Perry! Are you a chick or what? Why do I have a boner?

8.) Comic detective, Dick Tracy, spent his finest hour manhandling Blowtop Jones and Pinkie the Stabber.

7.) I’m guessing that  if you ran into guys named Mike Williams or Mike Frank you’d realize they are two bears who sixty-nine backwards so they can lick the honey out of each others *sses.

6.) Ronald Reagan‘s economics still don’t know if they’re coming or going.

5.) Tom Brady may be handsome, but I bet you didn’t know he’s a Quaker.

4.) Bruce Lee was fatally ninjured on the job.

3.) Believe me when I tell you that Muhammad Ali‘s cauliflower ear is more inviting than his other cauliflowered parts. “Float like a butterfly, stings when I pee.”

2.) Even Edmonton, Alberta in Canada sounds like a place homeless rapists go to die.

~and, finally~

1.) Even the triple threat and voice of Simba himself , Jonathan Taylor Thomas, has vanished into obscurity, possibly to Edmonton, Alberta.

She did it right until it all went wrong.

My grandmother was murdered last week. She was struck in the head by a stroke. Maybe murder is too strong a word. She died because she lived for 90 years. Of all the people to die, old ones do more frequently. It’s a beautiful thing for a person to pay back borrowed time by living a long life; paying down the principal one day at a time. Before she was laid to rest, she was a stand up lady. She was independent and loved a lot of people. She also hated a lot of people which was hilarious. When someone dies, they say that instead of mourning the loss, we should celebrate the life. Even though I’d prefer it if people would celebrate my life when I’m alive, Grandma’s life is worth commemorating posthumously. She was a real spitfire. Here, then, are 10 reasons my grandma was the greatest:

10.) She drank a Heineken for lunch and a glass of scotch for dinner every day.

9.) The only time she ever cried was the day I was born.

8.) Punxsutawney Phil, the whistle pig that predicts winter’s end, was created in her likeness when she, after seeing her shadow, accurately forecast that one day a groundhog that saw its shadow would determine the length of winter.

7.) She owned a Korean restaurant that never once served dog.

6.) She made it through the Great Depression by cashing in her counterfeit Confederate States bank notes.

5.) She could boil water with her scorn.

4.) She invented condoms but never used them.

3.) After WWII, she turned an old train car into a speakeasy and called it the Jews Box.

2.) Her favorite cereal was Hell Raisin Bran.

~and, finally~

1.) She beat Oregon Trail…not the computer game, the real Oregon Trail.