Wolsamnoraa's Blog

With buns made out of pizza, you'll never again fit in an airplane seat.

Nothing elicits Pavlov’s doggie-style mouth watering like when fat people sense food. Give a gastropod a hoagie and he’ll mouth f*ck it into submission. All he needs to choke down each baby-head-sized-bite of meat and cheese is a dipping concoction of mayonnaise and two-liters of Mountain Dew.

What we conclude from this act of food rape is that the human body has a natural attraction to sweet, salty and fatty foods. Historically speaking, those foods provided the most nutritional bang for the buck. To a caveman, for example, the nutrition of fresh nuts and berries couldn’t hold a stick to a fat-laden, calorie dense plate of Moons Over My Hammy.

The problem facing Fatty Foodsack and his giant meat sandwich is that the governor that is supposed to regulate his calorie intake goes berserk when he’s just thinking about food. One meal snowballs into two, then three servings and dessert.

The fat, er, fact of the matter is that in some cases, food can become an addiction. Fatty stops thinking about how satisfying each bite is and, instead, focuses on cramming as much as he possibly can passed his many chins and fat folds, down his gullet. This downward cycle can be irreversible considering people need food to live. Here, then, are 10 reasons that fat people stay fat:

10.) They’re American, dammit!

9.) Thanks to the contradictory nature of food science, fatties don’t eat vegetables because they both lose too many nutrients when cooked and are indigestible when eaten raw.

8.) They hate the taste of water despite water being completely void of taste.

7.) Exercise isn’t the problem. It’s the sound of heavy breathing that’s scary.

6.) Why walk when they can sit?

5.) The most important meal of the day is second breakfast.

4.) Their four food groups are vegetables and fruit (snacks), whole grain (brownies), meat (pies) and Dairy (Queen).

3.) Pizza burger pie (see picture).

2.) This lifestyle is all part of God’s master flan.

~and, finally~

1.) Fat people eat their feelings if by “feelings” you mean “deep-fried bacon wrapped bacon poppers”.

"Sorry ladies, the alligator on my shirt says 'I'm next'." - Ax to Max

Fewer places are more daunting than a public men’s restroom. There are too many variables to adjust for when dudes get together with their wieners out. Add booze to the equation (like at your favorite sports venue), and what was once a quiet place to poop and check email, quickly becomes a one-eyed surprise staring at you through a glory hole above the toilet paper roll. Outside the stall, you’ll find that urinals without dividers invite awkward heckles at your stubby wang. Jerryrigged stall doors are an inevitable peepshow into your “wipe-’til-it’s-white”  stratagem. And don’t think that just because you’re  in a one-holer, you’re alone. Herpes travels well and does not care if you build an ass fort of disposable liners on the seat or disinfect with bleach. It will get you. In spite of the perils that lurk behind the man on the triangle, when nature calls, you gotta answer. Here, then, are 10 reasons the men’s room is a tough place to pee:

10.) Despite all that you’ve learned from the Ghostbuster’s movies, the guy next to you wants to cross streams.

9.) Urinals at the gay bar are dudes on their knees, mouths agape.

8.) The guy waiting behind you has his hand in your pocket.

7.) The only thing deeper sounding than peeing into the center of the bowl is a stranger’s voice at the trough calling you out for peeing in a stall.

6.) The guy waiting behind you  stopped waiting all over your legs.

5.) One thing’s for sure, the line to use the pot is longer than your bladder is big.

4.) When you finish, there will ultimately be pee on your leg and/or pants.

3.) Whether out in the woods or in the red light district, if your dingus is exposed, you gotta watch for cruising bears.

2.) The outside of your pants will ultimately be speckled with someone else’s pubic hair.

~and, finally~

1.) Most rapists agree, a victim is most vulnerable when his pants are already unbuttoned.

Some parents are blessed with children and some are blessed with alimony payments. If you’re like my dad, you’d be dead. That’s because raising another human is extremely difficult. So much so that some parents have a hard time coming to grips with it. They run or die trying. And why not? There is a lot on the line. Children are like houseplants that decompose slowly in a heap of neglect only to emerge on the other side of puberty as the ferns of society (i.e. extremely boring/dangerous). Most parents are delusional and believe that their children will become mature, responsible adults when, in fact, the children are in the back seat of a sedan sadly looking through the rear window as the cab fills with pond water (read: Casey Anthony).  If you’re not sure what kind of parent you are, it might be helpful to examine what actions you take on a daily basis. Chances are you’ve already blown it. Here, then, are 10 reasons you are a dead beat parent:

10.) You’re just doing it the way your parents did.

God dad, you're being a total d*ck

9.) You warned them; “If they keep eating all the food, you’re gonna stop buying it.”

8.) The congregation of bedbugs on your child’s bed and plush toys scatter into his mouth when the lights come on.

7.) Her first job is prostitution. Her second job is to pay rent.

6.) The state says so.

5.) Birthdays? You can’t even remember your kid’s name…Pepper? Todd, maybe.

4.) You’re a staunch Evangelist.

3.) After the divorce, you moved into a studio apartment to hook up with chicks and get your life back together.

2.) All your bedtime stories are about your new relationship with meth.

~and, finally~

1.) Visitation consists of kidnapping.

Step 1: Steal neighbor's wi-fi. Step 2: Conquer the world.

Back before pirates ruled the skies in their all too common Somali air ships, they dominated the seven C’s: computers, coding, credit card stealing, communicating, clavier, cracking and, who could forget, chat room conversation. Mastery of these disciplines have allowed pirates to swashbuckle passed secure server logins right into the Paypal and eharmony accounts of hundreds of dozens of lonely subscribers. Although illicit, this behavior has increased demand of the spoils. Shared files, credit card info, music and copious bandwidths of porn have spread faster than swine flu. Technically, this pirated information exists in principle so it’s hard to say who “owns” the media. It’s a barter system of copying and sharing rather than stealing. That Chingy song you just downloaded, is merely a digital copy that lets you listen to a sh*tty rap song but you can hardly take it with you. Even so, this kind of piracy seems pretty f*cking bad. But is it? The answer is no. Here, then, are ten reasons Internet piracy is great:

10.) It’s not real piracy if there are no cannons.

9.) Nobody has really been in harm’s way from foul play in cyberspace since Sandra Bullock in The Net or those dead Craigslist hookers. Both of which I now possess.

8.) Like Costco, everyday on the interwebs is a sample day.

7.) ”Open source, dude!” – Favra, the Chinese Super Troopers.

6.) Why buy the Apple when you can get the whole Android for free?

5.) People won’t get hurt if, like the Supreme Court, you consider faceless corporations to be people.

4.) I’m not going to use my credit card number to buy from Amazon when I know it’ll just get hacked and stolen.

3.) Any responsible company will protect you from your own negligence…right?

2.) If they were in it for the money, they wouldn’t be artists.

~and, finally~

1.) Withholding information because of economic barriers creates a class of second rate citizens. Knowledge, not money, is power…look it up.