Wolsamnoraa's Blog

Slavery is out except for just this one thing.

The NFL draft is right around the corner. And while many football fans anticipate their team’s success in the lottery, I can’t help but wonder what’s actually going on. On the face of it, sports drafts look like one big elementary school kickball game: 32 captains picking up the very best collegiate athletes giving their city the best chance of winning a championship. In typical dog-and-pony-show fashion, recruiters, coaches and talent scouts analyze, test and scrutinize thousands of men based on their physical and mental aptitudes with respect to their sport. It appears harmless because, after all, if the players perform well, they’ll get paid! What about the players that don’t perform as well as the elite i.e. the vast portion of players in the league? They jeopardize their physical and mental health in the field in hopes of impressing one of these talent scouts so that one day they too will earn a livable wage. Because of this gross discrepancy, I suggest that the NFL draft as well as most professional sports lotteries are conducting a modern day slave auction. Here, then, are 10 reasons professional sports embodies slave trade:

10.) The word “combine“, a building where athletes showcase their football skills prior to the NFL draft, originates from a piece of farm equipment used for harvesting, among other things, cotton.

9.) Nothing is more oppressive than being a reserve for a “Tribe” like the Atlanta Braves, Cincinnati Reds or Cleveland Indians.

8.) Only the cream of the crop are considered for the prestigious free-stater, Yankees.

7.) The physical and emotional abuse athletes put on their bodies just to make a living resembles that of sex traffickers.

6.) There are few trade arrangements that sneak more immigrant workers into the U.S. than the MLB draft.

5.) No team has traded for a Jew since they got out of the slave business in great Exodus.

4.) One award for getting drafted is an indistinguishable, cotton-blend jersey.

3.) 1.2 billion Chinese agree they’d rather be laying track than being picked to play sports.

2.) Undrafted personnel are called free agents.

~and, finally~

1.) Owners are mostly interested in the black ones.

Why do today what you can put off forever?

What did you f*cking expect, dude? I can’t do EVERYTHING. In fact, looking back at my track record, I can’t do much of anything. It’s not that I’m not ambitious. I’ve got all sorts of dreams and aspirations. I want to be a movie star and a rock legend and an elite athlete and whatnot. But it’s so hard to be any of those things when it’s so damn hot outside. And, oh God, it’s already three o’clock?! I’ll just have to get on it tomorrow.

They say that an object in motion will stay in motion, but when you’re a lazy blob like me, it takes so much energy to you know…something or whatever. You know? Doing stuff makes me feel like I’m fighting my natural resistance to productivity. Just like a porn star, I don’t fight resistance. And I don’t want to feel bad about it either. Here, then, are 10 reasons that procrastination is a good thing:

10.) Of course procrastination is positive; It’s got ‘pro’ right there in the word.

9.) I can’t miss an opportunity when I’m not committed to anything else.

8.) Wayne Gretzky said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I’m pretty sure when he said “shots” he meant “naps”.

7.) If meeting deadlines was a good thing they would have called them lifelines.

6.) It takes more muscles to smile than it does to do nothing.

5.) People are less disappointed in me when they have no expectations of me in the first place.

4.) Without the invention of procrastination, we couldn’t have the opposite…whatever that is.

3.) Waiting too long to make dinner tonight only means I’m having breakfast tomorrow.

2.) No one will expect me to finish something if I don’t start.

~and, finally~

1.) My inability to do stuff let’s you be creative! (Insert your finest reason procrastination is a good thing in the comment section)

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Gaga, you're such a free spirit. Your style inspires me(at).

There’s always been a little voice in the back of your head that screams “Fabulous” every time Lady Gaga puts on her meat suit. Your high school year book is riddled with graphic references to elephant walks and games of grab-ass you orchestrated in the locker room with the debate team. You don’t like to watch porn unless there is at least one penis “in it”. While these subtle cravings for manly endearment seem like the blaring siren and flashing disco ball indicating your supreme gayness, they’re not. This is normal and not gay. Sure, you like dancing exclusively with your homeboys at the club and you appreciate long, late night chats with your best bud. That’s perfectly understandable and not gay. The flamboyancy of the male mind requires a certain amount of affection, stimulation and compassion that can only come from other men. Just because it causes your parents to regularly confront you about your homosexual inclinations doesn’t mean you should be concerned. Your behavior is normal and explainable and not gay. Here, then, are 10 reasons you might be gay, but you’re not:

10.) Your lisp is a speech impediment you got as a kid when a mare kicked your head at horse jumping practice.

9.) If chicks can kiss their friends on the mouth for fun, then surely you should be able to kiss your bros.

8.) College was a time for experimentation. Everyone tries to relive the glory days. You’ve just literally put the past behind you.

7.) Constant erections when you ride buses are due entirely to bumpy roads and not day dreams about taking a deep ball from the first string quarterback.

6.) You hate the idea of raping even though you’ve entertained the idea of getting raped.

5.) Checking for glory holes in seedy bathrooms is merely a safety precaution.

4.) Lots of people happen to think that Paula Poundstone is funny.

3.) Ensuring your mid-section touches when you hug your priest just demonstrates your growing faith in him.

2.) Crying (even if every night) is a good way to alleviate your fears of vaginae.

~and, finally~

1.) Anal sex tears you up inside.

She did it right until it all went wrong.

My grandmother was murdered last week. She was struck in the head by a stroke. Maybe murder is too strong a word. She died because she lived for 90 years. Of all the people to die, old ones do more frequently. It’s a beautiful thing for a person to pay back borrowed time by living a long life; paying down the principal one day at a time. Before she was laid to rest, she was a stand up lady. She was independent and loved a lot of people. She also hated a lot of people which was hilarious. When someone dies, they say that instead of mourning the loss, we should celebrate the life. Even though I’d prefer it if people would celebrate my life when I’m alive, Grandma’s life is worth commemorating posthumously. She was a real spitfire. Here, then, are 10 reasons my grandma was the greatest:

10.) She drank a Heineken for lunch and a glass of scotch for dinner every day.

9.) The only time she ever cried was the day I was born.

8.) Punxsutawney Phil, the whistle pig that predicts winter’s end, was created in her likeness when she, after seeing her shadow, accurately forecast that one day a groundhog that saw its shadow would determine the length of winter.

7.) She owned a Korean restaurant that never once served dog.

6.) She made it through the Great Depression by cashing in her counterfeit Confederate States bank notes.

5.) She could boil water with her scorn.

4.) She invented condoms but never used them.

3.) After WWII, she turned an old train car into a speakeasy and called it the Jews Box.

2.) Her favorite cereal was Hell Raisin Bran.

~and, finally~

1.) She beat Oregon Trail…not the computer game, the real Oregon Trail.

Dogs are boys and cats are girls. That’s what five-year-olds think. Then again, five-year-olds are stupid.

“Call me when you’re six, I’ll show you a solid goal line package.” – Jerry Sandusky.

If anything, cats are men with bold dreams and powerful claws. It is the opinion of several hoarders that the world’s most adorable dog is still uglier than two dozen of their emaciated, dried up cats. I tend to agree; Hoarders are crazy.

What you might not know is hoarders have the exact opposite amount of crazy as homeless people. Their lives are paralleled by the fact that both live in immeasurable heaps of garbage. You might say that hoarders are indoor bums. Homeless people can be compared to a lot of other things that are not human. It’s a lot of fun. Let’s try it again! Here, then, are 10 reasons cats are like homeless people:

I haz brainz!!

10.) They sh*t next to boxes of sand!

9.) You don’t have to feed them every day.

8.) They always want something to drink in the most desperate way possible.

7.) They beg and beg and beg and when they finally get what they want they turn their backs on you.

6.) They frolic in trash and sleep in boxes.

5.) If they don’t get shots, they’re susceptible to rabies.

4.) Whiskers!

3.) They are capable of sitting lifelessly in one sunny spot for hours on end.

2.) They smell like they bathed with their tongues.

~and, finally~

1.) If you break down and let one into your house, it will mark it’s territory and stay forever.

Nothing's sweeter than a disease free muppet.

I’ve worked at a lot of sleazy operations (a liquor store, for my father-in-law, Target), but none as controversial as Planned Parenthood. To some, Planned Parenthood represents all that is evil in the world; a place that touts lust and sexual deviance as appropriate behavior. A place where the consequences of such sinful conduct results in the murder of the unborn. Yet, to others, Planned Parenthood is a treasure trove of reproductive health information; not only is it a place to learn safe sex practices but also a resource for limiting the unintended consequences from those practices. They see Planned Parenthood as the proverbial topical cream that soothes the burning of social stigma (and chlamydia).

At Planned Parenthood, the only thing defining good and evil was from what side of the fence you picketed. These competing ideas faced off daily as liberal minded employees made their way to work through a line of staunch anti-abortion protesters. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I don’t work there anymore. And it’s too bad. It was the only job I can think of beside in the race for a GOP presidential candidate where the more radical your moral compass, the better your chance at success. Here, then, are 10 reasons I miss working at Planned Parenthood:

10.)Showing off my extensive knowledge of herpes to my new coworkers only leads them to believe I have herpes.

9.) No one appreciates my crafty misuse of coat hangers.

8.) Protesters at my new job actually work here.

7.) The South Carolina BBQ, the French dip and clam stew weren’t always just euphemisms for lunch.

6.) The sex-ed slides of an oozing, infected penis I threw into my sales presentation doesn’t close deals like they used to.

5.) I never had to force high-schoolers to have safe sex by buying them beer.

4.) The literature in the bathroom was supposed to be covered with pictures of dicks.

3.) There’s no pill in the current inventory to eradicate mistakes from last night’s binge drinking and canoodling.

2.) The dead baby jokes don’t kill like they used to.

~and, finally~

1.) Abortion punch cards! Buy 10, get one free (with purchase of a fountain drink)!

"It's not racism if I'm just acting like a racist." -Mel Gibson

Did you ever stop a conversation just by downplaying the plights of Mexicans or Jews? Of course you have. You’re socially awkward. More than that, you’re a north of the border racist. When you’re not at one of your dignified kleetings (Klan meeting/beating), you’re busy postulating the extinction of the white male.  And why shouldn’t you be concerned? According to everything you’ve ever heard from FOX News, you’re a dying breed. You are no more than a fading photograph in the hand of a time-traveling Marty McFly. At this point, the only thing you have any power over is aligning with people who might share your views. Finding like-minded people by testing the waters is tricky especially when those waters are riddled with so many “Chinks and their goddamn junk boats”. So, what do you do? You start chatting up a whore you want to impregnate and right in the middle of negotiations, you unconsciously lay an egg. Here, then, are 10 reasons that you sound wildly racist:

10.) Jews haven’t been called “Hebrews” since before the pyramids. And they haven’t been called “Mud People” since the King James Bible went obsolete.

9.) You don’t have to keep explicitly reiterating what you mean when you say “the N-word”.

8.) The voids in your teeth whistle when you stress that “they should be called Mexi-can’t's”.

7.) Okay. We get it. Rush Limbaugh is your guiding light.

6.) Call them “white trash” if you want, but isn’t this your trailer home?

5.) Your mason jar of ‘shine is empty.

4.) References to the “Bill of Rights” have only weakened your argument for slavery.

3.) You hold a degree from a state college.

2.) Nowhere in the Koran does it define Islam as “a heinous tribe of sand-surfin’, baby-eatin’ banshees”.

~and, finally~

1.) You’re white hood is stained with chaw.

If He wins it all, there will definitely be a second coming

Like the Virgin Mary, Josh McDaniels existed for one reason: Bring the Messiah to the Denver Broncos. Despite what the players on the defensive side of the ball say, Tim Tebow is the second coming of the Lord and the sole proprietor of continued victory in the Mile High City. After starting the 2011 season a dismal 1-4, He rode in on a glorious white horse named Thunder and usurped the evil force that was Kyle Orton’s drunken neck beard only to save a struggling spread offense with the quarterback draw, wildcat option and, ever impressive, victory formation. Field kick after field kick, stand after defensive stand, punt after punt, Tim Tebow carried the weight of his lackadaisical brethren through the belly of the beast and emerged as a playoff contender. Through the adversity and grit, the holy son was born (again)! Glory, glory Tebolujah! Here, then, are 10 reasons that Tim Tebow is the Messiah:

10.) Chuck Norris prays to the sweet baby Tebow.

9.) More people tuned in to watch Tim Tebow thwart the Pittsburgh Steelers than to watch Ross confess his love for Rachel on the finale of Friends.

8.) Matt Prater points at Tim Tebow after every game winning field goal.

7.) Tim Tebow has strength enough to carry twenty-one full grown men.

6.) His capstone project at the Holy University of Florida was writing the Newest Testament.

5.) After winning the Heisman Trophy, He smelted it because of its false likeness to Him.

4.) Taking the job in the Mile High City was a ploy to be closer to home.

3.) Future generations will speak of a Promise Land not of milk and honey, but of hilarious beer commercials in a place called Indiana.

2.) Kneeling pads have been installed at Sports Authority Field for more Tebowing.

~and, finally~

1.) He died on the cross for our wins.