Wolsamnoraa's Blog

Once upon a time, in an earlier post, I announced I was starting a diet that would include regular exercise, good eating and “lots of water”.  From that I learned I should never announce things.  While I’ve managed to stay on track with my weight loss goals, I’ve been fighting the process like hell.  Just like the goings on at Planned Parenthood, diets suck…the life right out of you.

I must explain that the problem with dieting does not rest in the exercising.  I thoroughly enjoy the satisfaction of working out so hard that I sweat out my b-hole.  Diets don’t suck because of eating right, either.  I like salad (dressing).  The reason diets suck is based solely on the suggestion that a person should guzzle down 64-128 ounces of water each day.  I’ve incorporated this suggestion into my daily routine and have suffered.

If I had it my way, I would eliminate “watering down” from my regiment.  Here, then, are ten reasons why you shouldn’t drink more water:

10. Peeing out your butt hole when you’re not sick or dying is slightly disgusting

9.  Tinkling more than a dozen times a day is bad for your water bill

8. The large amount of urine you expel just adds to the production and bottling of more Coors Light

7. The more water you drink, the clearer you see that you should cut out the middle man and drink your own pee

6. Even horses get colic from ingesting too much water

5. When your doctor asks you to pee in a cup your hand gets wet from overflow

4. When you pee in the toilet your feet get wet from overflow

3. Your pea sized bladder fills up quicker than a ten dollar whore

2. Frequent trips to the bathroom have your employer wondering if you’re a illicit drug doer

-and, finally-

1. There’s not enough booze in this swill

100 blogs are like 100 mL of kitten in that people eat them up so quickly no one is really counting

This article ranks as my 100th blog post.  Yippee!  I’m excited in a fun kind of way.  I never thought I could do anything more than once, but here I am sitting atop a mound of progress.

I’ve found that blogging is stimulating, relaxing and stressful all at the same time.  While I try to maintain regularity in my posting schedule, I avoid posting filler material.  I specifically design each article to stimulate and excite my readership (that’s right…you’re gonna get tickled!).  If I feel a post is sub par or lacks creativity and humor, I won’t post it.  ”Forget the schedule!” I scream through the flow of tears.  I find that blogging is as fulfilling as any dream job or sex act.  I encourage all interested parties to start blogging.  Here, then, are 10 reasons that you should blog:

10. Bloggers do it for twelve hours a day.  Now that’s Tantric!

9. It’s free and will only cost you your time and money.

8. You’ll make people feel better about themselves when you reveal your incompetence and insecurities.

7. It’s a great way to expel a lifetime of knitting knowledge without pissing off your last remaining friends.

6. There is more money to be made on the Internet than you could ever imagine…I’ve heard.

5. Blogging is guaranteed to make you a social media marketing expert over night and, also, I insist.

4. Blogging is a great way to look busy while avoiding real work.

3. Some people may or may not like you no better nor worse.

2. Fame and fortune will instantly greet you within your first five-thousand posts, give or take.

-and, finally-

1. If I can do it, surely, you can do it much better.

Thanks for reading along for all this time.  I appreciate your feedback.  I especially like hearing you express what you like and dislike.  My wife and mother did not like a post I wrote that explained the timely process of shaving my genitals.  Other people thank me for giving them a good laugh every so often.  As nice as it is, I’d like to thank you again for entertaining yourself with these foolish antics.  I plan to continue forever and always or until something better pops up.  In case you’ve missed it, here is a short list of my favorite posts in no particular order…

Misleading Wikipedia Information Or “Duh” For Short

New Tattoo For You Plus Two A.K.A The Jackalope

Excalibur

My Life

A Letter To Mrs. Stransard

You Kissed Your Step-Brother’s Sister

If these or any other posts strike your fancy, tell your friends.  Thanks for having me.

There's a small sand castle under that man's hat

I’ve been out of a job for three months now. I could think of no better way to celebrate that fact than by setting off to the region of the world known as Mexico. My thought was that I could live it up in an all-inclusive resort on less money than it takes to fill up my gas tank (btw, I drive a bus).

However, Mexico’s third-world hospitality left a bad taste in my mouth. Mexicans were so nice even though Americans were so stupid and mean. Additionally, its tropical climate left my fair-skinned ass cheeks as chapped and chaffed as a cheap prostitute’s money hole.

What I thought was going to be a great deal turned into a great dump. The shams that have been put in place to make up for years of degradation by Americans give Mexicans a bad name. I soon realized that my presence in Mexico wasn’t doing anyone any good.

I don’t think that anybody should go to Mexico and I have no one to blame but all of you. It won’t get any better until people stay away and give Mexico time to recover from years of abuse from Western culture. Here, then, are ten reasons that people should stay out of Mexico:

10. “All-inclusive resort” is Spanish for “nothing’s included in the price except give us more money”

9. The watered down Tequila is 40% alcohol by ballroom

8. Tipping is unnecessary and mandatory

7. I was in a restaurant and ordered a steak that was cooked to medium weird

6. All of the good help has immigrated north

5. The Chinese food was not very good

4. The polluted and murky sea water is not safe for drowning in

3. Pesos look like and function as play money

2. The soiled Mexican scenery makes the Jersey Shore look like paradise

-and, finally-

1. There is no doubt about it…you will get sick

If the New Year is going to cry the whole time, I don't want to participate.

At the beginning of every year, people decide to take a stab at making and sticking to resolutions.  Starting a project on January 1st is one of the most inane and arbitrarily timed strategies to accomplishing goals.   Most, if not all, resolutions are ridiculous and range anywhere from losing weight to selling more stuff on eBay.  While the intent of a resolution seems worthy, it’s not.  It’s dumb.  Here are 10 reasons I suggest no one makes resolutions:

10. Why start something now, when you can start next year?

9. Losing weight is pointless when you’re not even as fat as you’ll ever be.

8. You love smoking.  Why would you quit something you love?  Especially, when you’re only three cartons away from your very own Marlboro coffin?

7. Working out tends to be a lot of work.

6. Enjoying life more is going to be impossible with your hectic schedule.

5. Don’t cut up your credit cards; Obama said the only way out of a financial crisis is to spend more.

4. You’ll stop procrastinating this afternoon.

3. The Chinese New Year is still two months away.

2. You couldn’t possibly kill any more of your snide neighbors. You exceeded the state’s limit last year.

-and, finally-

1. Whatever your goal, you’ll never be as far along as if you’d started a year ago.

About three months ago, I decided that quitting my sh*tty job would be a good idea.  Even though the action temporarily halted my night terrors and self-mutilation, it has led to a host of other problems.  I have since been diagnosed and treated for depression and a disease simply known as the gay.  These ailments have caused me a host of other problems that I could not have predicted.  Tension is mounting between my wife and me as I sit at home all day.  Despite my reluctance, there seems to be only one solution; I should get to f*cking work.  Here, then, are 10 reasons that I should get a job:

10. A job provides an opportunity to have money, to give back to society, have a bigger purpose in life, meet new people and be mad at something other than my wife and the house cat

"I've been workforce ready since my conception"

9. There are no more dishes to clean and the floors are as swept as they’ll ever be

8. The fern I planted to provide me with a sense of fruitfulness and hope has died

7. Water cooler talk about Seinfeld reruns is turning me into a schizophrenic

6. I’ve been taking public buses just to see where their routes end

5. Investing money in my home business of cashing in on the Internet has amounted to numerous porn site subscriptions and dozens of pills that combat erectile dysfunction

4. My home office consists of a barcalounger, a box of colored pencils and a guitar I plan on learning

3. Anticipation of checking the mail keeps me up all night

2. Getting drinks “after work” starts at nine in the morning

-and, finally-

1. I spend more money than my wife makes

There's no getting around 'it' because you don't know where 'it' is

I don’t know about you, but one of the most stimulating parts of intercourse is satisfying your partner. If you’re like me or any member of an all-girl softball team, then most of your sex is going to be with a woman. There is no greater reciprocation of mutual respect than offering a resounding “OH YES!!” to your woman/women.

From my experiences as a medical doctor and sexual predator, I can tell you that the orgasm you give to your lady comes from stimulation of her clitoris: a mysterious nub button within the confines of a human’s labia majora.  However, even though I know it’s there, and she knows it’s there, and the camera man knows it there, the clitoris evades me sometimes.

A buddy of mine told me once about “eating out” with a friend one evening.  What he thought was a nice serving turned into an audible “sigh” of discomfort from his lady friend.   Apparently, the clam cake appetizer didn’t come to the table at all.   That one sigh set the pace for the entire course. He said that he had his dessert alone in a corner with chocolate sauce for lube and a bus boy’s apron for clean up.

My friend’s (and his lady’s) misfortunes led me to ask the question: At the most crucial times, why is the clitoris so elusive? Here are 10 reasons I came up with to explain…

10. It was circumcised in an act of religious persecution (so sad )

9. Her mother is a turtle and it’s hiding

8. She’s in labor and you’re spreading her baby’s cleft lip

7. Her father is a groundhog and fears its own shadow (thanks, Sean)

6. The man in the little boat finally set sail

5. She’s a man with big hairy man parts

4. You’re poking around in the wrong hole

3. She’s wearing parachute pants

2. She’s an amputee from the neck down

-and, finally-

1. You can lick around until your tongue turns raw, but you have no idea what you’re looking for

There comes a time in every person’s life when he is asked one question:  Would you rather have sex with your boss once or learn to play the guitar?

The mental acrobatics required to answer this question are taxing.  In either case, your answer will result in a lifetime of suffering.

Would you rather...

On the one hand, you’ll be haunted by the sight and feel of skin that’s riddled with moles and sores and scars.  Skin so dense with in pubic hair, that when you’re forced to run your fingers through it, the noxious smells of trapped coffee and cigarette breath escape; burning itself into your olfactory.  Don’t forget about the sour tasting fluids that will inevitably stain your clothes you refuse to remove resulting in another “Monica Lewinski” incident.

On the other hand, however, you’ll be required to spend a few countless hours toiling and practicing a useless skill.

The answer is yours to make.  But in case you need a little persuasion, here are 10 reasons that you should learn the guitar:

10. Biting your finger nails for fear of sexually pleasuring your boss has callused your finger tips.

9. You already burned $1000 when you bought a guitar years ago.

8. You’ll have a legitimate reason for playing with your nuts, neck and sound hole.

7. You’ve always wanted to learn but never had a reason to waste that much time.

6. The Asian kid on youtube is almost as good as you should be.

5. There’s finally a skill you can share with your kids that doesn’t involve pot (even though it probably does).

4. There’s that one Moby song you’ve always wanted to learn.

3. You realized that your passion making birdhouses was the gayest hobby ever.

2. You’ll probably get famous.  And rich.

-And, finally-

1. It won’t be necessary for you to screw your boss as a result of a stupid, yet valid, “would you rather” question.

This takes the phrase "baby dumps" to a whole new level.

Sometimes you wake up in a dingy hotel room soaked in hooker juices and vomit and you wonder, “How in the world did I get here?”  While this is a valid question, the word “here” reaches above and beyond your current predicament.  The mere fact that you exist at all is interesting in itself.  These 10 reasons explain the lucky fortunes that befell you on your road to being “here” (where ever that may be):

10. Your father was spreading his seed during the War.

9. Your mother was a whore.

8.  The gentleman operating the coat-hanger apparatus botched the abortion.

7. You chewed threw the garbage bag that was to be your casket and survived on the contents of a China man’s dumpster.

6. Until your mid-teens, you were raised by a small team of success driven rats.

5. You earned a decent wage soliciting sex from bar hopping youngsters who struck out during regular bar business hours.

4. Using the lessons taught to you by your rat kin, you turned your hard earned money into drugs and nesting materials.

3. On a quest to stardom and fame, you sought a career as a Hollywood actor (possibly to find your real parents?).

2.  Unknowingly, you were cast in the movie “Saw VIII: Jigsaw’s Outtakes–Sluts, Gays, and Krab Cakes”.

-And, Finally-

1. Years of smoking methamphetamine have left you toothless, talentless, and desperate.   The mob takes care of you in the only way the mob can; this time, however, you are unable to gnaw your way through the garbage bag that is to be your final resting place.

Do you feel that I may have missed a detail in your coming to be?  Please feel free to share in the comment section…

There is seldom a time when I just pop out of bed.  The anticipation that most days will undoubtedly drag on with mindless chores and endless Charles In Charge reruns justifies at least a half dozen strikes of the snooze button.  Some days, however, have potential to be the best damn days I’ve ever seen.  When I was a kid, for example, I don’t think I was able to sleep a wink the night before Christmas and I’m a big, fat Jew.  I just love something about those elves…I think it’s what landed me on the federal child sex offender list (talk about a reason to get up…all those little minors).  Here is a list of ten other reasons that give me a rise in the morning:

10. Breakfast…Yeah, breakfast has it all and it’s absolutely worth getting up for.  Not only is it the most important meal of the day, it’s the meal that keeps on giving.  Typical breakfast fare (cereal, eggs, bacon, pizza, milk shakes) account for over ninety-two percent of my daily calorie intake.  The other eight percent…cat food sandwiches.

9. Cat’s Hungry…Tookie’s my cat and he get’s hungry for breakfast, too.  Unfortunately, in the animal kingdom there aren’t nice little cravings to remind you that you’re hungry.  What Tookie has are urges (usually for flesh).  He keeps what he kills, and today it’s Friskie’s.  Some days I just wish he’d learn to sharpen his claws opening cans of cat food instead of my face.  He’s a real cutie.

8. Internet Porn…It’s free of charge and as viscous as milk.  Internet porn (or pornography for art) changes so often, if you see the same video twice in your lifetime, well sir, that’s amazing.  The other thing that gets me jazzed before I get jizzed is that you never know when you’ll be hit with the urge to splurge. It’s usually when I’m at the mall or a day care.  Thank God for the 3G network.

7. Court Date…(see above)  Sucks.  Don’t even get me started on the parole hearings…who the hell is up before 10 in the A.M?  Lawyers, that’s what.

6.  Vacation…It’s worth getting out of bed in tropical paradise when the hotel room is hotter than a jungle and it’s as humid as the ocean.  Nothing says “seize the day and explore the world”  like swatting at mosquitoes the size of small owls in your room.

5.  Bachelor Party…Get up?  I never went to bed.   Besides, I can’t trust a bunch of dudes that get drunk, strip down to their dicks and ass, endlessly chant “chop wood naked”, and dance around an open fire pit.  I couldn’t make this stuff up.

4.  Halloween…It’s like a modern-day Christmas.  Free candy…check.  Ghosts and ghouls…check.  Slutty girls dressed in nothing…check and check.  Halloween Eve (or Hallow’s Eve Eve as the Christ lovers exult) is like waiting for your son to be born…so you can finally touch him (see above).

3.  Election Day…It’s the only day I know of that I get to choose which minority I sympathize with the most without giving money, the blacks or the retards.

2.  Beer…If I know I’m going to be drinking at any point during the day, you can bet your sweet, fat ass I’m waking up.  Put it in my coffee!

-And Finally-

1.  Work…I f*cking hate work.  I f*cking hate it!

We’ve all ventured out into the expanses of the world gleefully returning full of knowledge.  Such life lessons always prove to be invigorating and help guide us through life’s meaningless journies.   Here are 10 tidbits that I’ve picked up along the way that I remember everyday:

10. “Wild animals don’t make good house pets” – We tried keeping a wild raccoon once.  His name was Ricki; Ricki the Raccoon.  He ate all of our mollusks and gave our cat the worms.

9. “Rock always beats scissors” – I learned this the hard way…watching a Bud Light commercial.

8. ”Poop stays in the toilet” – It certainly doesn’t belong in my hands or mouth.  It took me months to get the stains out of my moustache.

7. “Gay-for-pay is straight” – Life is about doing what you love, not loving what you do.  Don’t define yourself based on one experience you had during your “best years”.  You’ll just end up confused; ass-a-throbin’.

6. “Pack it in, pack it out” – Showing respect for the world outside of yourself will convey just how incredibly unselfish you are.  And isn’t that what it’s about…You?

5. “Cock, step, punch” – I learned this playing high school football.  You have to stay low and maintain good technique.  Don’t forget to throw out some “pass” and “ball” calls, too.

4. ”If she looks like a man and she talks like a man, she’s alright with me” – Expanding your horizons starts with accepting people for who they are, who they’re not, and who you thought they think that they thought you were.

3. ”Two hands when you’re learning” (thanks Brandon!) – Whether it’s riding a bike or dishing out your first “blowie”, two hands when you’re learning will keep you working hard towards your goals.

2. “Always come prepared” – Preparation is the key to success.  Just like bringing a joke book to a gun fight, kids are a terrible mistake.  Wrap your (or your partner’s) ding dong up in a condom and you’ll avoid my mother’s 3rd and 4th mistakes (me and my twin)

-And Finally-

1. “There’s no such thing as too much lube” – Designated lubricants like veggie oil, silicon based slickers, lotion, spit and telephone books all exponentially increase fun.

I took a picture of my perineum using a mirror. This isn't it.

There are a lot of things out there that keep me indoors and away from windows.  My life revolves around avoiding things that scare me and wearing hair nets.  As much as I’ve tried to overcome some of my most basic fears, I always find ways to reinforce them.  The following is a compilation of the 10 worst times I’ve ever been scared:

10.  My poop turned blue for three days after eating TCBY’s Arthur the Aardvark’s Cotton Candy flavored frozen yogurt.

9.  After snapping some voyeuristic pictures behind a circus tent, I was mauled by a black bear.

8.  I was unable to take back a pair of denim jeans at the Gap.  Now I just keep things.

7.  I got a bee sting on my boner. (Thank you, Johnny & J-Pa)

6.  I cut my perineum (see left; “incision”) on a barbed-wire fence while tobogganing in France.  I had to wear a heavy flow maxi-pad for a week.  (And that’s the closest I’ve ever been to a woman.)

5.  I was held at knife point at a McDonald’s drive-thru for sarcastically ordering a “Crappy Meal”.

4.  I held a pee in so long playing the drinking game Edward Forty Hands that urine sprayed out of my nipples.

3.  My mother adopted me from my grandmother.

2.  Thinking I had found the last morsel of food in my house, I once ate a lot of cat food.

-And Finally-

1.  A maniacal and murderous clown named Adam who lives in a brightly colored  school bus parked in a mountain meadow is stalking me via MySpace.  (My real name is Liz)

Do you ever struggle to wake up and it stays with you all day?  Well, that’s me…everyday.  It may be due to a lack of sleep but I have a sneaking suspicion I’m tired for some of these reasons:

10. I’m kept up all night by the sound of the cat noshing bunny skulls.

9. The monster under my bed wants spare change and keeps rattling a can of nickels.

8. My wet dreams smell like curdled milk.

7. The wad of toilet paper that maximizes sweat and smell absorption stuffed between my butt cheeks is all itchy (it’s been referred to as a “manpon”).

6. Instead of dinner, I did some meth and drank a Camel Pak of Mountain Dew.

5. I am fraught with woes about the economy of my ant farm.  There just isn’t enough sugar water to go around.

4. My body is trying to work off the calories I consumed from eating all of these spiders that were looking for a warm place to die.

3. Peeing in the pool makes it warmer.  Peeing in the bed makes it wet.

2. My boogers are so dense and gooey that I can hardly breathe when I eat them.

-And Finally-

1. I am kept awake by loud farts…my loud farts.

Did I miss something?  Tell me some of the things that keep you awake.

I can only think of one way to ruin a baby's day

I have lived a full and gratifying life filled with lemonade and cherry pits.  As I approach a ripe old age in my life, I have been provided with valuable lessons that I need to share with you….now:

10. Douche bags are inside of pussies for one reason: they’re giant pricks.

9. Canned produce is just as bit as nutritious and delicious as hobo piss.  Do yourself a solid and buy fresh or frozen.

8. Challenge authority.

7. An open mind will set you free.  You’ll never hear a gay man say, “Hey, that doesn’t go there!”

6. Learning to cook feeds the soul’s desire to eat.

5. Own your smell.  Showering is for honorable men.

4. Ditch your values and friends to the highest bidder.  Selling out is the new buying in.

3. Best friends make the best lovers.

2. Whenever you can, jerk off your biggest sex toy; your mind.

- And Finally-

1. Once a rectal thermometer, always a rectal thermometer.

Sure hope that bus gets here soon

I drive a car.  A fast car that flies.  When I’m pulled over by skycops and slow down enough to catch some of the street level action, I’m always forced to see the folks at the bus stop.  With the exception of a few retards, I’ve noticed everyone always looks miserable.  Here is a list of 10 reasons that I think fuel your bus stop depression:

10. It is certain that before the day is done,  you will sit in at least one piece of gum

9. No bench

8. No matter what, you are going to be late

7. People assume you’ve been hired to help the retard in the wheel chair next to you because he’s shouting profanities and smiling uncontrollably in your direction

6. Sitting at a bus stop is as frustrating as waiting for a bus.

5. An old man who has been hurling smut/needles/prophylactics at you, is taking off his shirt to show you his old wrinkly Navy tattoos

4. With all of the recent bad weather, your umbrella budget has depleted the money you’ve saved from riding the bus

3. Your clothes are soaked with foreign fluids and it stopped raining hours ago

2. You’d rather wait for the bus in your own car

1. You’re about to ride a bus

He licks his butt hole when he's soiled

These are the most of main reasons I like my cat, Tookie:

10. He is as charming as his teeth and claws are sharp (extremely)

9. When we adopted him he came with a pre-paid calling card

8. He will often times vomit up figure 8 patterns of the lunch meats he begs for

7. He parades around on clean counter-tops immediately after using his litter box

6. His idea of a nice gift is something freshly disemboweled and still living

5. If it weren’t for the lid on his litter box, he would sit on the edge of the box and sh&t on the floor

4. He can scale buildings and properly uses a doggie door

3. He helps break in new furniture by shredding, shedding, and throwing up on it

2. His favorite game is cut throat

and finally…

1. He drinks from the toilet no matter what’s in it