Animal

10 Axioms To Live By

10 Reasons, Animal, Ball Sport, Life Lessons, Poop Related, work No Responses »

Sep 222009

We’ve all ventured out into the expanses of the world gleefully returning full of knowledge. Such life lessons always prove to be invigorating and help guide us through life’s meaningless journies. Here are 10 tidbits that I’ve picked up along the way that I remember everyday:

He ate a bunch of rabies ridden clams and wants a kiss

10. “Wild animals don’t make good house pets” – We tried keeping a wild raccoon once. His name was Ricki; Ricki the Raccoon. He ate all of our mollusks and gave our cat the worms.

9. “Rock always beats scissors” – I learned this the hard way…watching a Bud Light commercial.

8. ”Poop stays in the toilet” – It certainly doesn’t belong in my hands or mouth. It took me months to get the stains out of my moustache.

7. “Gay-for-pay is straight” – Life is about doing what you love, not loving what you do. Don’t define yourself based on one experience you had during your “best years”. You’ll just end up confused; ass-a-throbin’.

6. “Pack it in, pack it out” – Showing respect for the world outside of yourself will convey just how incredibly unselfish you are. And isn’t that what it’s about…You?

5. “Cock, step, punch” – I learned this playing high school football. You have to stay low and maintain good technique. Don’t forget to throw out some “pass” and “ball” calls, too.

4. ”If she looks like a man and she talks like a man, she’s alright with me” – Expanding your horizons starts with accepting people for who they are, who they’re not, and who you thought they think that they thought you were.

3. ”Two hands when you’re learning” (thanks Brandon!) – Whether it’s riding a bike or dishing out your first “blowie”, two hands when you’re learning will keep you working hard towards your goals.

2. “Always come prepared” – Preparation is the key to success. Just like bringing a joke book to a gun fight, kids are a terrible mistake. Wrap your (or your partner’s) ding dong up in a condom and you’ll avoid my mother’s 3rd and 4th mistakes (me and my twin)

-And Finally-

1. “There’s no such thing as too much lube” – Designated lubricants like veggie oil, silicon based slickers, lotion, spit and telephone books all exponentially increase fun.

How To Kill A Fly With Your Bare Hands

Animal, Life Lessons, Poop Related, Uncategorized, Versus 4 Responses »

Sep 172009

He's as good as dead anyway; he's not even wearing a helmet

Here is a very simple method to destroy a fly using only your bare hands. This act will not only kill the fly, but also teach valuable lessons to his next of kin. C’mon, really? You’re having second thoughts. Don’t think of his family. Just do it. He’s dirty. You know where he’s been: poop, vomit, trash. And that was just breakfast. He’s spreading disease on you. Ew. Grow a pair and kill him. Everyone else is doing it and here’s how…For this task, you’ll need a set of hands. You’ll also need enough patience to wait for a good moment to strike. For this to work, there’ll need to be a single fly bothering you; more than one and it’s a sign you’re dead and rotting. Usually, if you’re focused at work or peacefully enjoying the day, one will come along. When you are sufficiently bothered, you’ll need to pretend that you don’t care that the fly is buzzing around. Don’t flail as you will only briefly scare it away, thus making the annoyance last longer. Act naturally and he’s sure to fall into your trap. Once he’s comfortable flying near you, you may start the procedure. First, see where he likes to go. In the two flies I’ve ever dealt with liked my skin. Maybe it’s because I smell like sweat and garbage. When I gently shooed them away, they would fly up, circle in the air, and then land on my desk. Based on these experiences, I undoubtedly say that all flies will repeat this. Next, you’ll need to position yourself in a way that you can easily clap your hands together directly above the fly. Now, wait for him to land. When he settles on the desk, slowly move your spread hands about 3 inch above him. He should be centered between your soon-to-be-clapping/killing hands. Finally, when he takes off, which he will…Clap! If you missed, repeat this process until the bugger is dead. Ta da! Congratulations! You’ve just committed murder.

10 Reasons I’ve Ever Been Scared

10 Reasons, Animal, family, Food, kids, Life Lessons, Poop Related No Responses »

Sep 152009

I took a picture of my perineum using a mirror. This isn't it.

There are a lot of things out there that keep me indoors and away from windows. My life revolves around avoiding things that scare me and wearing hair nets. As much as I’ve tried to overcome some of my most basic fears, I always find ways to reinforce them. The following is a compilation of the 10 worst times I’ve ever been scared:

10. My poop turned blue for three days after eating TCBY’s Arthur the Aardvark’s Cotton Candy flavored frozen yogurt.

9. After snapping some voyeuristic pictures behind a circus tent, I was mauled by a black bear.

8. I was unable to take back a pair of denim jeans at the Gap. Now I just keep things.

7. I got a bee sting on my boner. (Thank you, Johnny & J-Pa)

6. I cut my perineum (see left; “incision”) on a barbed-wire fence while tobogganing in France. I had to wear a heavy flow maxi-pad for a week. (And that’s the closest I’ve ever been to a woman.)

5. I was held at knife point at a McDonald’s drive-thru for sarcastically ordering a “Crappy Meal”.

4. I held a pee in so long playing the drinking game Edward Forty Hands that urine sprayed out of my nipples.

3. My mother adopted me from my grandmother.

2. Thinking I had found the last morsel of food in my house, I once ate a lot of cat food.

-And Finally-

1. A maniacal and murderous clown named Adam who lives in a brightly colored school bus parked in a mountain meadow is stalking me via MySpace. (My real name is Liz)

Just Curious…

Animal, Food, Poop Related, World's Worst 2 Responses »

Sep 042009

Yeah, kind of like this

I’m curious about retards but I’m scared to approach them. I see Down Syndrome people or wheel-abouts (my expression for the mentally and physically doomed) and my heart aches.

I feel so bad that I can’t even talk to them. I know if I did I would slip up and start asking them math related questions. I weep inside when I see a bus of them pull up outside the mall’s food court.

What, if anything, are they thinking? Do you think that their thought processes are like those of animals?

I heard this argument once that animals don’t have the ability to feel or communicate with others. One justification for slaughtering cows or chickens to eat is that they can’t feel the pain because they’re somehow immune.

Are retards like that? Are they immune to pain? If they can’t feel anything or communicate effectively, do they want to live? Should we eat them?

We’d have to kill them first. According to my speculation, they won’t feel it. Most wouldn’t be able to tell anyone about the injustice they were suffering at the feed lots because they couldn’t comprehend the situation. They wouldn’t know any different.

I can see them getting upset trying to think about the way things could be or couldn’t be or just….UGH, poop! They could just vent their frustrations with poop throwing/eating contests. “Do you smell that, honey? I think they just wrangled up some more ‘tards for slaughter.”

I wonder what they taste like. If only I wasn’t so scared to ask them, they could probably tell me.

Cats And Technology

Animal, Driving Car, Hate, Injury, Life Lessons No Responses »

Aug 312009

Cats can learn about technology, but can you teach them?

Cats can learn about technology, but do you know what it takes to teach them?

Hey there Albert Ninestein! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. So you wanna teach your cat about technology, do ya’? Good luck. I don’t think you have the capacity or the interpersonal skills to manipulate scientific information well enough for a cat to understand. However, if you think that you can teach a cat, there is a way.

You’ll need to follow closely if you’re going to teach your cat anything. First, you have to get a cat. Got one? Six. Wow. That’s a lot. Well, pick one and get the others some tuna, they’re gonna wanna watch this. Next, take the lucky winner and sit him down in an inexpensive, steel-framed computer chair.

You might use duct tape to keep his paws strapped down and his eye lids peeled open (don’t worry, cats can’t feel and he’s really gonna wanna see this). Once the monster is firmly locked down, grab a burlap sack and quickly slip it over the chair. Hurry, there isn’t much time. Flip the chair upside down and pull the bag as far up as you can.

Get ready to close the bag, but before you do, round up the other five tuna lovers and throw them in the bag too. Tie off the end using a twine rope. Next, throw the cat sack in the trunk of your car. Make sure that you throw it hard enough to silence any terrified meowers; you don’t want to have to answer any silly questions about the “cat noises coming from your trunk” should you happen to get pulled over.

Don’t worry too much if you didn’t quiet them all on the first throw, the exhaust fumes that go into the trunk when you drive off should put those little buggers out in a heartbeat. Now, drive. Find a secluded spot in a forest where a river runs deep. Remove the cats from the trunk and shake the bag.

Wake them up. Are they riled? Good. Now, toss the whole sack into the river. The chair will help sink the bag as the cats try to claw their way out. There. That oughta teach ’em.

Go hear the audio for this blog at The Boy’s Club for Men.

Dead Rabbits

Animal, Ball Sport, family, Food, Injury, Life Lessons, Story, Tookie 2 Responses »

Aug 252009

Tookie is my cat and we live on the third story of a condominium building. He is extraordinary in every way. He is cute and fun like a small human. He bites hard and sleeps well. Even the way his huge craps stink is immaculate. Unfortunately for him, he is an outdoor cat trapped inside a indoor cat’s house. Sometimes, however, he is allowed out when I leave the house and the neighbors are gone. And this is where one of his best features kicks in. In order to get back into the condo after I let him outside, he doesn’t just wait at the front door making a scene for no one to hear like all the other idiot cats out there. No, he’s better than that. Using pure prowess and power, grace and skill, he scales the back side of our building with his cat-like claws and incredible strength. He jumps on our back porch and comes in through a dog door I paid for with my mother’s retirement money. This morning, I let Tookie outside a little earlier than usual so that he could exercise his handsome feline features. Which he did.

Tookie sometimes reminds me just how close to nature we actually live. We are a mere 20 yards from open space and, because of this Tookie and I have an agreement: He may only take memories and leave only footprints. Today he violated that agreement. He caught, maimed, killed, carried up the building, sat down on my kitchen floor with, and devoured the head of a baby rabbit (otherwise known as a cutie or a babbit). It’s pretty incredible what my cat is capable of. It’s even more incredible how much he can just kill an innocent creature with no remorse only minutes after I fed him. But I’m not even mad; I’m actually a little proud. Look what he can do! Commit murder? The thing is I just don’t want to clean up his pukes. Maybe if I leave it, my lover, JDubs, will clean it up with a trash sack and spare me the trouble.

Tookie eats rabbits like a man juggles; with balls

One Of My Favorite Quotes

Animal, Hot Chicks, Injury, Life Lessons, love No Responses »

Aug 202009

You may wonder, how? The real question is how not?

“A man needs a woman like a fish needs a bicycle” is one of the best analogies I have ever heard. Not only is this statement completely incomprehensible but it’s also misinformed. I will explain why, for that very reason, this sentence is fantastic! First of all, fish don’t need bikes, they’ve got their own means of conveyance. It’s called current. Also, fish need water to live. Have you ever gotten your bike wet? Good luck getting upstream with a rusty chain. Attention all wannabe bipedal fish: If a rust bucket paperweight is your dream, you might as well absorb all the mercury you can and turn belly up. Pathetic.

Conversely, it is a true fact that every man needs a woman. Guys are pigs. They’re gross. They eat gruel and fart and stir up trouble. Women are clean and well-mannered. Women are the world’s great equalizers. When dudes are rowdy, chicks calm them down. When the fellas are just kicking it and chillin, the ladies come into the room screaming. If it were up to men, nothing would get done. Lawns would go unmowed; gifts would go unwrapped, TVs would be watched. If it were up to women, well, I don’t want to think about that.

To be perfectly honest, the only reason I’m writing this is because a woman is standing behind me with her finger on the trigger of a very sawed off shotgun. Women take life seriously. They’ve got things to do and people to do and guns to point. And that’s ok with me. If I didn’t have a strong motivational woman behind telling me to get up and get going, I probably wouldn’t. What kind of life would that be? That would be like a fish with a bicycle and that’s no good for everybody. Regardless of what the statement says, I still like it.

Versus:Good Relationship vs. Bad Relationship

Animal, family, Life Lessons, love, The Future, Versus No Responses »

Aug 162009

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. It's what separates dogs from other animals.

I am no expert in the area, but I’ve been around the block once…if you know what I mean;) I’m talking about commitment. Sure, weird things happen in that “honeymoon” phase, but once you’ve moved on, you have to decide whether or not your partner(s)/animal/fetish is going to make it the long haul. Do you think you’re ready to take the plunge? See how your relationship habits stack up. The following list pits the signs of a good relationship versus the signs of a bad relationship against each other to determine why all your relationships fail miserably.

Know Thy Self:

Knowing what kind of person you are will determine what kind of person you are looking for in a relationship. Do have goals and ambitions? Are you happy being a flake? If you haven’t the faintest clue who you are or who you want to be, may God have mercy on us all. Solid understanding of yourself provides you with the confidence and wherewithal to make healthy decisions that might otherwise demise your partnership.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

Listen for phrases like:-“I want to grow with you”

-“Let’s compromise”

-“I love you for who you are”

-“Yeah, I’m ticklish”

Look for insincere and extremely repetitive use of these generic phrases:-“I’m sorry”

- “You complete me/You are my rock”

- “Let’s never fight”

- “I don’t care. What do you want to do?”

Opposites Attract:

Differences in personalities, likes, and dislikes all provide fuel for your love fire. Part of a good relationship is the ability to grow together, not apart. When people have competing ideas and meet challenges together, compromise is born.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-Your partner has inspired you to try new things-You and your partner work through problems together

-You are open to your partner’s ideas
-You hate morning breath and long toe nails-You love drugs, your partner is sober umpteen years

-You’re a cat person, your partner eats cats

Shared Responsibility:

Understanding that a relationship is a reciprocal cycle of give and take will help you navigate your way into a happy future. If you’re unable to get your share of the work done because you’re bending over backwards to pick up his/her slack, you’re going to have issues.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

-Your relationship feels like a team-When you come home from work and your partner has been home all day, the house is clean and vice versa

-You ask if you can help the other person and vice versa

-You think work is for suckers-You’re exhausted from getting too much sleep

-You don’t mind a dirty house

-You’re chiropractor says bending over backwards all of the time is taking a toll on your lumbar (also, You do all of the work)

Same Page:

Sometimes opposites attract, but you’d better like at least some of the same things as your best gal/beau otherwise your relation-ship is sunk. You might sit on opposite sides of the political aisle, but if his/her dream is to be a senator, then you’d better be heading up the campaign.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You are interested with your partner’s life outside of your relationship-You ask questions

-You actively listen
-You like VH1 and s/he hates TV-You like to get faded at da’ club and s/he likes reading the poetry at the café

-You like butt sex and s/he has hemorrhoids (rectum, damn near killed ‘em).

Future Plans:

S/he sees kids your future, but you see a boat? Yeah, maybe it’s time to talk. If your partner isn’t visible in your five-year-plan, maybe it’s time to rethink who your future includes.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You’ve talked with your partner about the future-You have similar goals for the future (own a house in a year, own a dog in two years, add a 2^nd dog in two and a half years)

-You can see yourself growing old with your partner

-You squander away your money and your partner’s money-Your partner is nonexistent in your future plans

-Marriage is not for you

-You’re in prison

Communication:

Some people fight to win and others fight to

share information. The ability to effectively exchange ideas with each other while maintaining respect is paramount to a relationship.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You feel like you’re with your best friend-You talk

-You listen
-You eat dinner in front of the TV-You’d rather your partner keep it down then you listen up

-When you talk, you can’t get a word in edge wise

There’s someone Else:

You talk until all hours of the night. You think about him/her all of the time. His/her d*ck is so young and thick. You long to be together day and night. If these are sentiments you hold for someone other than your partner, it’s time to break it off.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

-There is no one else but your partner-You are seriously considering marriage

-Soul mate is an understatement

-There’s someone else-You stare at anything in tight jeans that walks by

-You love him/her, but you’re not in love

Sexy Time:

Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but it is significant. If you’re coming back for more after all this time, chances are things are looking bright.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You and your partner have sex at least once every week or so-You love to give and receive

-You and your partner talk about and sometimes act out fantasies and turn-ons
-You don’t know what your partner looks like naked-Your pubic area is overgrown and overwhelmingly odoriferous

-Masturbation is better for you

-Your safe word is “rape”

Recognizing and implementing some of these good signs in your relationship is sure to give you the boost you’ll need to make it with that special someone. If something’s wrong, however, chances are it’s you. Get yourself in shape and try again. There’s no sense in ruining somebody else’s life (and credit) because you’re a selfish jerk. That’s not what a good relationship is about.

10 Reasons I Like Tookie

10 Reasons, Animal, Tookie 2 Responses »

Jul 302009

He even licks his own butt hole if he's feeling unfresh

He licks his butt hole when he's soiled

These are the most of main reasons I like my cat, Tookie:

10. He is as charming as his teeth and claws are sharp (extremely)

9. When we adopted him he came with a pre-paid calling card

8. He will often times vomit up figure 8 patterns of the lunch meats he begs for

7. He parades around on clean counter-tops immediately after using his litter box

6. His idea of a nice gift is something freshly disemboweled and still living

5. If it weren’t for the lid on his litter box, he would sit on the edge of the box and sh&t on the floor

4. He can scale buildings and properly uses a doggie door

3. He helps break in new furniture by shredding, shedding, and throwing up on it

2. His favorite game is cut throat

and finally…

1. He drinks from the toilet no matter what’s in it

Vixen Takes a Lickin'

Animal, Injury No Responses »

Jul 292009

Since some of my day is spent in the car, it seems appropriate that some of my posts are about that time in the car. I hate traffic. It’s one of the reasons I don’t sleep at night. Sitting in traffic is good for one thing, however. It allows drivers like myself to take their eyes off the road for minutes at a time and focus on the pristine nature reserves that have been built into medians and in between on-ramps and freeways. The irony is that no matter how well preserved they are, they accumulate enough trash each day to completely nullify their purity. So, anyway, I was scooting along the other day during one of the many daily rush hours when I was shaken from a non-traffic related day dream. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a fox running through one of these tender embankments enclosed by the freeway on one side, an on ramp opposite of that, and an overpass connecting the two. He was dashing and darting through and around the sanctuary’s many fickle bushes and native trash heaps. He was running because directly behind him was a female fox, the vixen. She was chasing him. I felt truly happy. In the middle of trash and smog seemingly cut off from any real nature, these two wild animals found love and, what would seem to be, the preliminaries for sexual activity. I gleamed at the sight of the chase. The male fox cut right then left and then ducked behind some shrubbery. The vixen, however, did not follow suit and cut back away from the embankment towards the traffic jam. She quickly bobbed and weaved through the stopped cars on the outside lane like she knew they were permanently stopped. It was apparent that she was beckoning the other fox to join her in a game of tag or hide-and-g0-seek. But the male fox seemed frightened and failed to raise his head from the bush he was hiding in. In the outer most two lanes of the highway, all of the passers by were enthralled at the display and had completely stopped to watch. She was fancy freewheeling and high living until WHAP! The vixen traveled just beyond the stoppage into the third lane where traffic had begun to move quickly around the blockade the “right-laners” created. Realizing the misstep she’d made, she bounced up and over trying to get off the road. Just as she reached the zenith of her jump, she was creamed by a truck. Unfortunately, it didn’t kill her initially. The impact decimated her hind parts but left her conscious and panicked. At that point she attempted to crawl back into the safety of the embankment using just her front legs. Frantically clawing across the black top, an SUV fully equipped with chrome wheels and a soccer team got the best of her. The vixen had become apart of the asphalt just as her refuge was apart of the interstate scenery. As I turned back to see the fox in the bush, I noticed that he too had witnessed his lover’s demise. From the bush I could see that his head drooped and his tail sagged between his legs as he hovered over some pups. It seemed that no sooner did nature’s dance of love begin that it ended. It was by far one of the quickest mood changes I’d ever made from sad to happy to sad again. It was a black day indeed.

Monkeys Throw Poop

Animal, Poop Related No Responses »

Jul 242009

Start em young so theyre strong enough to huck shi@t

Start 'em young so they're strong enough to huck sh@t really hard

It may not be obvious to all but monkeys didn’t just start throwing poop, OK? It started with one monkey’s dedication to making monkey civilization a better place by analyzing the feces of sick monkeys and making them better.

It’s true that this unrecorded modern-day monkey doctor had acute observations and a great love for poop. Maybe there were undigested grubs or bananas in there that could be devoured. What we equate to typical crazy ape sh*t, poo throwing behavior evolved from there. My hypothesis as a notable scientist type is that all monkey communities have a designated “witch doctor” of sorts (usually the craziest monkey; the one that smells the other monkey’s sh*t).

You know? Monkey tribal medicine. Those are the special monkeys that get stolen from their native lands and launched into space. They’re not the kind of monkeys whose brains were eaten in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. That’s how you contract AIDS. They are quirky, social, helper monkeys that do sign language. But they’re not human.

They still root around in monkey poop doing medieval diagnostics on poor sick chimps without so much as a rubber glove. Dude, you live in a rubber tree, you’re doing doctor stuff, you’re smart, so get a f*cking clue. Get the sh*t out of your hairy paw and reevaluate the situation; get protection. Have you ever heard of using tools? You’d shove a stick into a stinging ant hill to avoid being bitten, but you’d get monkey shit all over your fur glove for a grape seed? You don’t even have soap.

Dumb monkeys. That’s a nice story, but here’s how a monkey brain really works when he sees a scat item….pick up food, not smell like food, it poop, throw poop at zoo personnel, jump around and make lots of monkey noise, get drugged, monkey coma. Hey monkeys, listen up, I’m going to sign this really slowly: you look dumb throwing poop, the girl monkeys (apettes?) are talking about you and it’s not good. Just leave the turd tossing to me. Besides, I’m really good at it.

Kids – Don't Trust 'Em

Animal, kids, Life Lessons No Responses »

Jul 192009

They'll lie right to your face because it makes them giggle.

If there’s anything that I’ve learned in my whole entire life it’s that kids are elfin dumb liars and you can’t trust them. I think it was either Mad Magazine or a parody of Mad Magazine on an episode of the Simpsons that advertised “Don’t trust anyone under 30.” Don’t. Kids don’t know anything hardly at all.

Take kids for example. Do they know tax law? No. Do they know how to spell? Hell no. Do they know what it’s like to be inside of a woman or a man? They’re lying. You may be asking, “Well, numb nuts, do you know that cool stuff?” Not exactly at all really, no. But that’s just the point.

Don’t trust me either. I’m just a kid, too. Sure, my ID says I’m old enough to go out right now in my mom’s car and buy liquor, and beer, and ammo for my guns, and pot, and cigarettes, and spray paint, and vote, and agree to the terms and conditions of a porn site on the net, but I’m not to be trusted with those errands. The only reason I want to do those things is because I’m an idiot.

You’d better believe it’s my mission to drive around every day with a hard boner wasted on marijuana pot, alcohol shooters, and cigarette smokes so that I can unload a clip of bullets at some graffiti art that I just tagged at my polling place. Even I can see all that sounds stupid, but I’m just young enough to do it all again.

Kids live to ruin their lives. I don’t know of a single person over the age of 96 that does any of that sh*t. They look in my direction near where they hear my voice with their cloudy, painful, cataract-stricken, soulless eyes and say, “Hey you dumb idiot kid! Do me a favor and point that gun over this way. Pull the trigger, Sonny. Put me out of my misery. F*ckin’ do it you p*ssy punk kid…right after I cast my ballot!” Oh don’t tempt me grandma. I’d effin do it, too.

Old people scare the funk out of me and they smell rotten. Have you ever seen one? They’re…old. No one should ever live that long. It’s cruel. If only they’d been better at being a kid, maybe they’d have already expired a more natural way like by means of a derailed motorcycle stunt or a mishap in a men’s bath house.

That would’ve been so sweet! Kids just don’t have the life experience or knowledge to tell you the truth or to be trusted. If they did, they’d probably be dead.

Big Ballin'

Animal, Ball Sport, Uncategorized, work 1 Response »

Jul 172009

Tigers are known to be insanely intense passing the ball. Look at all that sweat!

This tiger is an insanely intense ball handler (in his mouth). Look at all that sweat!

What’s your story? Actually, don’t tell me. I have something better to waste time with. I’m a basketball player. Why, though, huh? I put the ball in the hole. People want me on the team so they can pass me the rock. I post up in the paint. I’m a big huge monstrously gigantic dude and I’m all athletic like an agile freak. In the weight room, I can bench and squat press over 400 times. When I get out on the ball court, it feels unnatural as hell. That’s why I excel. People always ask, “Why are you sweating so much around your nipple area, are you lactating?” No, not really. That’s grossly inaccurate and sick. Here’s a little factoid: nipple sweat is sourced from pure adrenaline. Try this: Put a tiger on an airplane. He’s going to get nervous and then maul a pilot and then land the plane and then save everyone else on board and then they’ll all make their connecting flights, probably. It’s unnatural, but heroic. He’s excelling, he’s nervous. You didn’t know this until right now but tiger’s nipples sweat big time. When tiger nipples are sweating hard, I’m competing hard. I’m heroic-ish. Pounding the boards, inbounding the stone, eating an apple. That’s what I do. That’s why I play shooty hoops.

A Little Secret About Tookie

Animal, family, Hate, Tookie 2 Responses »

Jul 132009

The blood in his heart was taken from another living creature

I have a cat which is a fact that I have mentioned before. He has aptly been nicknamed Tookie (and sometimes Tookus) after the late (sometimes great) founder and leader of the Hebrew Crips, Tookie Williams. My Tookie has the personality of a wolf and the lips of a gator. Tookie is a pack creature and loves to sharpen his teeth. He’s not your everyday house cat. He’d just as soon tear you limb from limb as he would buy you a greeting card with his feelings written neatly in feline calligraphy (a dying art form). He’s a complicated mess and it’s tempting to pet him, but don’t. You’ll get hurt and you might possibly fall in love.

I have also mentioned one of the neighbors that I live near. She dons a large ass and walks an old fat dog. The dog, a war torn golden retriever named Daisy, is an ok dog because she never talks. My neighbor on the other hand, won’t shut up. Her life seems to be a teetering balance of treats and gossip. She bought/adopted Daisy immediately (like 2 days) after her other, aging retriever died. She’s always calls the dog quirky names like ol’ fart, goof butt, and, my personal favorite, Chelsea (it was her old dog’s name, she blurted it out once by mistake). Needless to say, they’re quite the pair; always breathing heavily and gnoshing snacks.

Well, the cat sees the dog coming to and from the apartment daily as the gastropod neighbor and Daisy waddle by my front door to use the stairs. Being the intellectual, prison-mentality cat that he is, Tookie stares Daisy down through our screen door every day looking smug and contrite as if to say, “I am going to claw your heart out you dirty old mutt.” Sometimes Daisy ignores it. Sometimes Daisy barks. But one of these days, whether Daisy reacts or not, Tookus is going to tear ass through that screen door, open up that old dog with his claws, and chomp down on her tired soul. And I imagine that no sooner will that day come than my neighbor will have bought a new/used retriever to mistakenly name goof butt.

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