Most couples bearly even talk after awhile

I took a class in college.  Just one.  It was a sociology class entitled Society through Sexuality or something like that.  Tons of hot chicks and their stupid, idiot, jock boyfriends.  It was a cool class because there was a statistic that was taught.  Just one.  It said 95% of people will marry at least once in their life times.  Now, I’m a firm believer in the idiom that 92% of all statistics are made up on the spot, but WoW!  Getting 95% of everyone to do one thing?  That’s a boat load.  Someone should be making a ton of money.  What if 95% of your friends showed up to your party on Friday?  That would be like half a dozen or so of your friends that had wished they were somewhere else!  Similarly, what a relief for most of those loser dorks out there that didn’t think they’d ever get laid.  You can almost guarantee sexy relations when you’re married!  Well, actually marriage does not entail sex.  Just ask any one of the 95% that got suckered in.  (BTW, no one has sex…no one.  It’s too risky.  Don’t be daft.)

The funny thing is that somewhere between nearly half to more than half of those marriages will end tragically in magnificently wonderful divorce.  The tie that bonds often breaks and splinters and sends stabbing pains into your back.  However, as good as it may sound, divorce has a serious down side.  Forget what it does to your emotions, credit and therapy bills.  The real frightening aspect is that some of those divorcees will marry again with an even lower success rate than the first time.  I call it the trash principle.  If one person doesn’t like something, then no one will.  Just look at that stinking heap of unwanted trash at the junk dump.  People just passed stuff right on down the line thinking someone else could benefit and the stuff just piled up.  If you’ve ever seen a sitcom, then you’ll know what I’m talking about.    Sitcoms have always sucked but somehow they all wind up on DVDs which no one wants and they go directly to the dump.  If you’re like me, and there is no doubt in my mind that you are, then you’re probably asking yourself: “If the trash principle is true and no person would ever find love with someone that was tossed away by a first husband/wife and 2nd marriages happen, who in their right mind is taking the wild chance to pair up with those losers in a second marriage?”  The answer may surprise you because of it’s deceptive plurality: single parents.  That’s right, single parents.  There is another unwanted breed out there that is just as used and spit out as “the divorced” and it’s not a bunch of little bastard kids.  It’s the little bastards’ mothers and fathers.

If you really stop to think about them, single mothers would terrorize your dreams.  To me, a single parent is a person that got to the abortion clinic a day late (not surprising, they’re irresponsible freaks).  A single parent will claim that s/he was “in love”.  Their brain power appears limited as they live selfishly without consequence.  Don’t get me wrong, living without consequence can be a fine quality in a person, if s/he knows how to use a condom.  The only redeeming quality of single parents is that once they hit rock bottom (an absolute certainty), they often figure out they cannot survive without help from other people (often their parents).  A humbling experience, I’m sure.  The usual outcome of this fall from grace, of course, is that they will cling to whatever life form shows interest.  Sorry USA Network, characters need not apply.  Qualities that appeal to normal people are lost on single parents.  You drink and have a history of violence on your ex-wife but appear to have a stable income and can tolerate other people’s kids, you’re hired!

So, desperate and eager to live another day in loving arms, singles parents and divorcees say their “I dos”.  Who could make a better pair?  No one, apparently.  And no one will.  Like I said, the success rate of these marriages is so low that its basement floods when it rains.  The unfortunate twist to this love story is that this behavior stands to become more common.  As more people live this way, it stands to reason that they will more frequently miss their appointments at the abortion clinic.  As the children pile up and the loveless marriages contribute two halves a time, the giant trash heap will continue to grow.  It will grow until one day, when I decide to come down off of my high horse, I kick stomp it back into the receptacle where it belongs.