Wolsamnoraa's Blog

I came. I spoke. I joke.

At least this three-legged, deaf dog gets excited at my jokes.

My time at the Clean Comedy Contest at the Comedy Works South was a hoot. I didn’t advance and, therefore, can’t win the contest. I contend that I tried my best. I’ll tell you what, though, next time I get in front of anyone for comedic purposes, I’m going to make sure my jokes are funny. Maybe not next time, per se, but one of these times. What I take from this experience is that I don’t suck at comedy as much as I previously thought. Good for me! The second lesson I take from this is that Denver has a burgeoning and talented amateur comedy scene. I’m really glad I’m going for this in a supportive yet competitive environment.

What prize is worth having if you don’t have to fight for it?

I mean, even good pizza is hard to come by.

Just another day you don't want to look forward to.

When Zeus sat down to watch Pawn Stars and asked Artemis to script out the calendar year, she had one thing in mind: cockamamie fractions. The length of a regular year is precisely 365.242198 days long. This is because what you know as the 24 hour day is roughly four minutes short. Due to this discrepancy, after the Earth orbits the Sun once, we lose nearly all of what would be a 366th day. So what you know to be 365 days a year is actually 25% more. For all those go-getters out there wishing for more hours in the day, cram a d*ck in it; Your wish has been fulfilled. To make up for this extra time, every fourth year we tack on a bonus day and call it Leap Day.

In addition to coinciding with presidential elections and the summer Olympics, giving candidates and athletes one more day to cheat, Leap Day contains a bit of mystery and intrigue. It’s the only day that, like a dead beat dad, POOF, won’t be around for the next four years. Magic. People love the idea of monumental occasions falling on the 29th of February. Question: How absurd it is when we celebrate a birthday every four years? Answer: Considerably. If you died on Leap Day, we could essentially forget about you until the next Sarah Palin presidential run. Sadly, I couldn’t envision a world where you were dead and Sarah Palin wasn’t.

What is more interesting is what happens if we didn’t make an extra day and just let things ride. Eventually, our expectations of time (seasons, night and day, etc.) would start to shift from our calendars. 6 a.m. would eventually become noon and, even though you’d feel good about waking up so early, you’d still need a haircut you hippie. In this fantasy world, 120 years from now, summer would fall in December and snow in July would blow your mind all over your chest. It’d be like living in Australia which (to be clear) isn’t living at all. This is an example of why imagining things is bad. I’m sorry I brought it up.

Leap Day is a fun little bonus. It’s like finding out the cold sores on your lips are just from chapping and not herpes simplex 2. That’s the balm! What a wonderful world we live in where the distance from the Earth to the Sun is so perfect that we can exist without being burned to death by solar rays or too far away that we freeze in the vast expanses of space allowing us to reflect on the infinitely minute details of our lives that will fall by the wayside just in time for the next Leap Day.

I went to the open mic at Kinga’s Lounge in Denver the other night. I signed up late and had to go up next to last. Unfortunately, I had to bare witness to the comedic “talents” of Vic G. If falling asleep at a bar is talent, this guy has it. If wearing a sparkly Jason Mraz hat is hilarious, this guy is a riot. If having a nasty pill and coke addiction is “it”, then this guy is going to the top (straight from the bottom). He got on stage and started drinking a beer that someone mistakenly left behind. If the Heineken bottle didn’t have Hep C before Vic G, it certainly did after he put his foul mouth on the rim.

However, what he did this night during his set was disgraceful. Vic walked off the stage with the mic and started harassing the two remaining audience members. Not only was he crassly provoking one of the gentleman by straddling his lap and defiling the air with his arrogance, he started in with homosexual come-ons as a way to instigate a fight. Vic G wasn’t entertaining. Usually, I’m not critical or overly agitated by a novice’s performance, but Vic G was terrorizing people. It wasn’t cool.

Just as a note to myself; Don’t be like Vic G. Don’t act like Vic G. Don’t do drugs like Vic G. Don’t forget why we’re on the stage like Vic G. Even at the amateur level, stage time is about entertaining not harassing. As if it wasn’t bad enough for the crowd that remained and the host of the show, I had to follow that. I wish I was the kind of guy who could rise to the occasion. The most consummate professional couldn’t rescue that train wreck. Next time you feel like getting to a mic, Vic, you should just stay home, drink some coffee and sober up. Your bad attitude makes us all look bad.