The Future

New Oil Hatches Old Protest

Sep 132010

In an attempt to secure new energy sources, scientists recently found oil in a place that has some critics up in arms.

Researchers have discovered a technique that can unlock vast amounts of fossil fuel within petrified dinosaur eggs in a process called hatching. Spokesperson Pete Frank of oil giant ExxonMobile explains, “Once fossils are extracted, scientists use a special tool to penetrate the hardened shell and inject a chemical cocktail which liquefies the contents and makes me rich!”

Groups such as Focus on the Fossils and the LJPE (League of Jurassic Park Enthusiasts) oppose the effort. Critics argue that the extraction process harms defenseless eggs. Referencing the plot of the 1993 blockbuster movie, Jurassic Park, opponent Janice Planko of the LJPE postulates, “How can we realize Steven Spielberg’s vision of real life dinosaurs if big oil destroys these innocent creatures and all of their ‘dino DNA’?”

Researchers claim that large deposits of fossilized eggs exist all over the world and that hatching eggs could free up nearly one billion barrels of crude oil. Frank adds, “I don’t understand the critics. There’s no shortage of fossils. Moreover, technology to achieve the Jurassic Park pipe dream doesn’t exist.”

Despite a lack of substantial technology to back their arguments, opponents aren’t giving up. Several agencies have teamed together to file a law suit against big oil. The case defends that hatching uses federal funding to destroy the unborn and violates several constitutional rights. Janice Planko contests, “We have to stop the greed and destruction. These relics are our only stepping stones to actually riding dinosaurs. And that’s a world I can’t even imagine living in.”

The Green Machine

family, Story, The Future No Responses »

Mar 052010

What do you call an Irish guy that stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.

St. Patrick’s Day is quickly approaching. It’s one of those holidays that has special meaning for me and my wife. You see, it’s the “day of her people.” Part of her is Irish…her liver, I think. As a loving and supportive husband, it is my duty, neigh, my privilege to celebrate her heritage with eagerness and joy. Many great St. Patty’s Day parties and memories have been shared and forgotten.

There was the Great Green Gathering of ought seven. The neighbors called the cops because of all the car bombs. Plus, we had a dance party in the apartment until three in the mornin’.

And then there was the Green Machine. Enter Tyler “the Hate/Fuck” Davis, the proud owner of a 2004 green Buick. He parked it right on the bathroom wall and toilet seat of our college apartment. We had the Irish-Korean, Jon O’Leezy, to thank for that incident. He thought it’d be cute to serve Ty warm green beer ’til three in the mornin’. It was a grand old time.

This year is going to live up to the hype. We’re going out, Irish style! (That means without potatoes).

For anyone who’s interested…this is a pre-invitation invitation for a St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl.

We’re doing a good old fashioned pub crawl around Lakewood, CO on Wednesday, March 17th. JDubs and I are going to call it Irish Golf or something cute and nonsensical like that. You gotta dress up. We’re going to hit up some local dives that are within walking distance from our old potato factory (that’s Irish-speak for ‘house’). If you’d like to participate, send me a comment or an email or a text or letter via Pony Express or just call. And, as always, if you’d like to hang out but don’t want to get caught up in some drinking and driving malarkey, you can always stay at our place for the night/weekend (standard rates apply)…did someone say dance party? Let’s get “jiggy”.

Medical Marijuana

Half-ass, Life Lessons, Story, The Future 4 Responses »

Dec 302009

Weed will cure what? Um, what?

Recently, there has been an influx of marijuana clinics and advertisements popping up around town. They make it seem like you could waltz in and buy a pack of marijuana cigarettes, no problem. You might not even need to be sick. To be honest, I’m curious (and sick?) but I haven’t smoked pot since my first pubes surfaced from my armpits nearly ten years ago. After this embarrassing incident, I don’t know if I could smoke again.

It all went down like this…Some friends and I were going to attend the 93.3 FM’s summer music concert series, the Big Gig or Big Adventure or something like that. I remember 311 was there and that’s why I was excited. From my friend’s accounts of that day, Incubus, The Long Beach Dub All Stars and (for the sake of exaggeration) David Bowie were performing, too. (No surprise, I didn’t remember any of that because I was so stoned)

In preparation for the big event, we took a short drive to Fechter’s house to chief big smoke. He had a three foot bong and a hefty sack of smoker friendly weed. So we traveled to the house and ripped bong hits until the sack ran out. I was catching a ride with a neighbor to the concert, so after getting high and eating three bags of Funyuns, I had to venture home.

Being the responsible teenager I was, I designated myself the driver and drove home slowly, waiting for every “stop” sign to turn green. When I eventually got home, I was just in time to see another car pull into my driveway. As I inched into my parking spot, a woman, let’s call her Mom, stepped out of her car and watched as I fumbled to act naturally.

As she waited and watched me from the top of the drive way, I cautiously slipped out of my car smiling. I started to close the door behind me but realized the car was still running. I slowly slipped back into the driver seat and turned off the engine. I waived to her and said I was going to the neighbor’s house so that I could catch a ride to the show.

Mom stopped me and said, “Why don’t you come over here and give Mom a hug.” I moseyed up to her and she pulled me in tightly and whispered in my ear, “Are you stoned?” For the first time in hours, I quickly moved away and hustled to my neighbor’s house. It was humiliating and, afterwards, I decided to never smoke weed again.

Now all of these billboards and bus stop ads are making me question if I could get away with smoking again. They’ve made it seem almost unillegal (or legal for all of you English scholars). I’m tempted to try it again, and can’t quite figure what’s at stake.

What do you think? After my dizzying experience and the likelihood that nothing bad could come from the situation, should I try it again? Or should I walk away real slow like?

10 Reasons I Should Get A Job

10 Reasons, Animal, family, Half-ass, Hate, Life Lessons, The Future, work 4 Responses »

Dec 112009

About three months ago, I decided that quitting my sh*tty job would be a good idea. Even though the action temporarily halted my night terrors and self-mutilation, it has led to a host of other problems. I have since been diagnosed and treated for depression and a disease simply known as the gay. These ailments have caused me a host of other problems that I could not have predicted. Tension is mounting between my wife and me as I sit at home all day. Despite my reluctance, there seems to be only one solution; I should get to f*cking work. Here, then, are 10 reasons that I should get a job:

10. A job provides an opportunity to have money, to give back to society, have a bigger purpose in life, meet new people and be mad at something other than my wife and the house cat

"I've been workforce ready since my conception"

9. There are no more dishes to clean and the floors are as swept as they’ll ever be

8. The fern I planted to provide me with a sense of fruitfulness and hope has died

7. Water cooler talk about Seinfeld reruns is turning me into a schizophrenic

6. I’ve been taking public buses just to see where their routes end

5. Investing money in my home business of cashing in on the Internet has amounted to numerous porn site subscriptions and dozens of pills that combat erectile dysfunction

4. My home office consists of a barcalounger, a box of colored pencils and a guitar I plan on learning

3. Anticipation of checking the mail keeps me up all night

2. Getting drinks “after work” starts at nine in the morning

-and, finally-

1. I spend more money than my wife makes

Fight Night

Ball Sport, Hate, Injury, kids, The Future, Versus No Responses »

Nov 262009

Nothing spells fun like a little MMA: man on man action. And nothing spells action better than my good friend, Travis Hollis. Hollis has been dishing out punches, kicks and grapples (a hybrid fruit consisting of an apple and a grape) to suspecting bystanders for as long as I’ve known him. His father has been his Mixed Martial Arts sensei since as long as they’ve known each other (before he was born). He represents Rocky Mountain Bad Boyz Caged Fighting and he is a sight to see.

What I’m here to report is that Travis Hollis is competing in Clash of The Titans 6; A Cage Fight, Saturday, December 5th at the Douglas County (Colorado) Fairgrounds. Never will you see so much fire and fury from a 155 pounder. Coming off of an upsetting TKO in a title bout back in September, Hollis is fired up and ready to reclaim his glory.

Whether you call it cage fighting, octagonal Tom-foolery, or Blood Sport, this artful display of brutality will surely delight even the most skeptical patrons. This battle of titanic proportions will certainly bring the crowd to its feet. So, bring grandma and the kids and you’re guaranteed a good time.

Check out Facebook for more event details and specials.

If you don’t believe me, just watch this (it gets good at marker 1:30)…

Get Back On That Horse

Animal, Driving Car, Food, Half-ass, Life Lessons, The Future, work 7 Responses »

Oct 132009

Two weeks have come and gone since my fall from grace. I quit my job, I started working out, and I’m drinking again. The cosmos have been set into motion and my universe has been chaotically shredded by the lawn-mower blades of fate. The baby step I took to reclaim my life turned into a stumble that left the virtual pages of WordPress blank. Aside from myself, the biggest losers in this mess have been all of those who look to these posts for motivation and an excuse to mock me. I apologize to all four of you. As for me, however, I made a mistake. While I’ll never regret getting out of that soul-stealing, slave mill I called a job, I regret my preparation for the next step in my life. My goals of becoming a comic/writer/chauvinist have fallen flat, but not for long. I made another step.

I ventured out. Money has been tight since I quit. In an attempt to save on automobile gas, I journeyed by foot to the stable to see my sweet ponies, Success and Virtue. Due to extremely long stretches of immobility indoors, my muscles and lungs had weakened and my tan had all but disappeared leaving my newly acquired bed sores exposed to the elements. Regardless, I found motivation and made my way to the street. I stepped out of my home only to feel my pasty skin bake from the torturous blazes of the autumn sun. My heart rate surged creating a gentle sweat which, while cooling my skin from the sun’s intensity, stung my open bed sores. The sunshine glistened off of my sweaty skin directly into my eyes. As a result of the glare, temporary blindness caused me to see eye-worms; glowing dots in my retinas creating stabbing pain and tears. The eye-worms took the form of Success and Virtue, the fore mentioned ponies I had started out to visit. In all but five minutes in the real world, I had no choice but to second guess my actions. I went back into my home.

Summoning the courage to leave my apartment after the solemn events I conjured, proved to be a difficult task. The heavy burden of taking on a new adventure was scary. Attempting to find my own Success and Virtue caused blinding pain from hot flashes and sweat. The real world’s sun is brutal. Its warming light shines down allowing us to forge a path toward our goals. However, the light can be intense and if a person is not prepared, his journey will be riddled with burn and eye-worms. Ironically, the only way to prepare him is to set him on his journey in the sun’s blazes encouraging each small step forward.

My journey has just begun and there are many steps to be taken. Although the latest action may have been a misstep, it wasn’t all bad. My tan is back and my muscles and lungs are strong again. The sores on my skin have healed (sans my genitalia…that’s right…Herpes). Unfortunately, in the time it took me to build up my tolerance of the real world, my ponies died. Oh well. Success and Virtue don’t always take the form you first expected. At least there will be enough meat to last through winter, thus saving money on grocery meats. Now, I just have to go out there and retrieve it. Ah, sh*t.

I’ve Always Wanted To Be A Comedian

Life Lessons, Story, The Future 1 Response »

Sep 162009

I’ve always wanted to be a stand-up comedian. Looking back over the years, I’ve gotten a huge response from people just by talking and acting the way that I do.

I read this article that explained making your friends laugh doesn’t actually make you a funny person. Sure, my friends laugh at me, but they laugh at lots of other stuff, too; real comedians, for example, or the musical stylings of the Play-him off cat (see below), to name something else.

Fortunately for me and my dream, I have an uncanny ability to make strangers laugh or, at the very least, cringe. While I believe in my inherent abilities to humor people, my desire to get up on stage is hindered by a small hurdle. Quite frankly, I am scared to be on stage. I attribute the fear to a poor performance I gave in the third grade. I was playing Anonymous Man #2 alongside the wonderfully talented Falon Mahoney in the Westgate Elementary sensation, A Christmas Carol. I had one line – “I’m just a man whose anonymity should remain intact”.

I bombed in front of the whole school, parents and talent scouts. I forgot the line. I stammered on my speech and on my feet. I tripped into the set and knocked over a backdrop which broke a spot lamp above the stage. It fell directly on top of our school’s only prodigy and the play’s leading man, Nathan Hale. He was injured instantly. After that hack job, I second guessed myself whenever I got in front of an audience bigger than five deaf-mutes.

The underlying problem may be that I have just convinced myself that I’m scared. I haven’t actually performed on stage since then and it stands to reason that I don’t know what I’m scared of. I’ve always heard that courage is something you gain after you overcome your fear.

Maybe the best way to achieve my goal is to just go out there and give it a try with my nerves fluttering. But if I accomplish my goals, what will I have to complain about not achieving?

Welcome To The Future

Life Lessons, The Future No Responses »

Sep 142009

Can you even f#ckin’ believe how close we are to the future? Tomorrow is coming? Yeah, right. Tomorrow is already here, and I’ll tell you why: I was sitting on the couch the other day with my beautiful flat screen television radiantly glowing with syndicated entertainment. As I sat poised in front of the TV’s warming vibrancy, I was surfing the interwebs with my lap top. It struck me as odd when, in the middle of Hulu.com’s presentation of the Office, TBS was running the same episode. Thanks to the bitchin’ audio setup I have on my teev and the hair raising volumetrics on the laptop, I was hearing Micheal Scott’s brilliance in this awesomely, staggered double stereo echo deal. As awesome as it was, I realized that TV is a medium for showcasing regularly scheduled programming, syndicated and new, that no one is watching. Even if you turn it on, you’re not even really watching it. As people grow into the future, they are beginning to crave interaction. Just like your very Jewish mother or dust collecting Nintendo Wii, people want things they can control. What’s on TV cannot be controlled and “regularly scheduled” has become as offensive a term now as cum drunk gutter slut was back in the 90′s. Even though you can’t control what’s on TV, just like catching your roommates doing sex, you can control what you see. Computers, specifically ones connected to the Internet, have the distinct advantage of allowing viewers to tickle their entertainment fancies whenever and with whatever they want. TV is competing with OnDemand programming and huge caches of videos (television shows, movies, amateur porn and everything in between) on a slew of websites. I believe that the only reason that TVs even exist today is that they are pretty to look at. It would be so much simpler if there was a more complicated technology that combined the visually appealing format of television with the computing power of a computer. Fortunately, for us future dwellers, this technology already exists. It’s called imagination. I believe with a little know-how and a lot of money, we have the power to dream up something more futuristic and technologically advanced than the archaic drudgery of today. I look forward to that time now.

Work Is Like School

kids, Life Lessons, Story, The Future, work No Responses »

Sep 112009

Trust me. It takes a lot less condoms than this to make a baby.

JDubs dropped a heavy simile on me the other day. She said, “A life of work is like going to school.” She explained that when you’re first starting off, it’s like kindergarten and you learn and grow. As time moves on, you advance and you mature and you grow hair in places that you didn’t know you could. She said that one day, each person becomes the Dean of Students in the college of his specific field.

I’m trying to apply her example to my life. I am currently employed behind the scenes of an abortion mill. I work in a warehouse where, among other things, I ensure that death centers are well stocked with coat hangers, lubricant and trash bags. Additionally, there is such a huge collection of condoms that I can take a swim through like Scrooge McDuck used to in his coin vault (Either that or I’ll try them all on). It’s not as fun as you’d think as I do this ad nauseum and I am very unsatisfied (murdering fetuses is great and all, but…it’s kind of boring).

When I reflect back on JDubs statement, I get a sense that “Work is like school” does not apply to the folks that aren’t in the right school. I feel that I’m not even enrolled. I’m like a twelve-year-old in preschool masturbating not-so-covertly in my greenish overalls while everyone else is awkwardly moving away. In this strange land, I look like one of those ADHD kids that can’t be trusted to roam freely. I’m tied to a tree with a leash and harness that closely resemble a monkeys tail (kind of like this…Philip from SNL). Not only am I not a growin’ and a learnin’, I’m actually getting dumber and less anxious to go to class. What’s worse is that I tied myself to the tree and only I have the ability to escape. But I won’t. My spirit has been diminished. You might as well ask a Senior to buy me a carton of smokes and leave me to die; unfulfilled, miserable, and retarded.

I have learned from this example that I alone hold the key. I can register in any school that I want. I am well qualified to start at the bottom anywhere. Even idiots get to succeed at work (just look at my boss Mrs. Stransard). So I know what I am going to do. I am going to break free. I’m ambitious and I know more about what I want to do than ever before. Look out School of Tap Dance For the Blind, Deaf, & Dumb; Here I Come! I’d better bring some of those condoms;)

Welcome To My Soul Hole

Life Lessons, The Future No Responses »

Sep 022009

I have a theory. It’s not religious dogma by any means. It’s just something that I subscribe to dutifully and practice unwillingly everyday. It goes like this: Imagine a vortex in space. It might look like a black hole sucking a bunch of crap into it, or it may look like the dirt chamber inside one those new fan-dangled Dyson vacuum cleaning systems. At the top and the bottom of this vortex are openings which allows stuff pass through. Now imagine that swirling around inside this vortex from the bottom to the top are a gazillion tiny particle-looking things. I like to think that the particles are the soul’s of everyone and everything that’s dead; from your grandparents’ grandchildren to the parakeet you didn’t feed when you went on vacation to Rome back in junior high school. Each soul enters directly from a person’s death at the bottom and exits at the top at birth. I call this the Soul Hole. (We’re recycling souls, here folks.)

But there are a gazillion souls in there and they can only exit one at a time. So the rule is, the heavier your soul’s burden (I call it surden), the slower the ascent to the top of the chamber. The lighter your soul (or the more gravity defying), the faster your soul will exit the chamber and the sooner you will reenter the world. Along the way, your soul bumps into other souls; it gets to help other souls; it gets held up at knife point by other souls; it completely avoids the other souls. What changes the loftiness of a soul? That’s easy: Satisfaction and Fulfillment from life. If you live a fulfilled life, after you die you will be able to return to life more quickly. If you live a life of dissatisfaction, your soul might swirl around the Soul Hole forever, never to be reborn again.

Notice that this theory doesn’t inherently subscribe to the school of thought of right and wrong, or good and evil. There are virtuous endeavors, but they are entirely selfish. You might really love to kill puppies…so long as it’s satisfying, more power to you (just stay away from me, Mr. Vick). You’re going to pop right out of that hole. On the contrary, you might save orphans and help old people everyday of your life yet hate every minute of it. If this is the case, your rebirth will be slow, my friend.

For me, I’m working toward satisfaction and fulfillment. But that’s the thing. A person can never be too satisfied in life or else he’ll stop trying. Striving to be on top is the only way out. However, if you start believing that there is no top, that the spiraling soul recycling is a continuous circle of life and limbo with no end, then your soul will never be fulfilled or satisfied. It will sink to the bottom of the Soul Hole, thus making way for the souls that want to keep on keepin’ on.

Flower Power

Life Lessons, Story, The Future, work No Responses »

Aug 192009

I am as liberal as Adolf Hitler was gay…flamingly. You want abortions, take two. You want affordable heath care, have some. Taxes? I love taxes. I’ll pay yours. That’s how frickin’ left I am. You might be reading this thinking, “this assh*le is a borscht loving, Stalin sucking, rabbit eating Communist!” Thank you for thinking that, but no. It’s simply outrageous! Truthfully, I’m only borderline Communist. And actually, I’m moving away from that. I’m growing up. I’m becoming a small, bearded man. You see, my understanding of true communism is that, as a member of the party, each person works as he pleases and is compensated according to his needs. It’s like skirting through life doing your hobbies. “Hey kid! You’re really good at video games and rippin bingers from your bonger. Here have a boiled goat’s head and a bag of KGB Branded Funyuns. And kid…keep up the good work!” Truly amazing. The thing is, though, it’s not that amazing you crazy dreamer. You might be saying to yourself, “That would be pretty cool. But, gee whiz. Something that awesome couldn’t ever happen in my America.” Bullsh*t. That stuff happens everyday in your America. And that’s why I’m not Communist. Not only could I sit around playing video games while dabbling in my other “hobbies”, in America, I can get paid to do it. Paid to do what you love? America, f*ck yeah! America is a land of opportunity. Golden, plentiful, tig ol’ bitty opportunity! Yeah, you may have to work hard and play politics and beat out competition to reach your pie in the sky, boiled goat’s head dreams. But you can do it. And with an understanding of marketing and merchandising, you could be living big just by doing what you love. Just remember to pay your taxes when you start making your buko bucks and maybe, just maybe, pick up one of those BOGO abortions for yourself. After all, you earned it.

Versus:Good Relationship vs. Bad Relationship

Animal, family, Life Lessons, love, The Future, Versus No Responses »

Aug 162009

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. It's what separates dogs from other animals.

I am no expert in the area, but I’ve been around the block once…if you know what I mean;) I’m talking about commitment. Sure, weird things happen in that “honeymoon” phase, but once you’ve moved on, you have to decide whether or not your partner(s)/animal/fetish is going to make it the long haul. Do you think you’re ready to take the plunge? See how your relationship habits stack up. The following list pits the signs of a good relationship versus the signs of a bad relationship against each other to determine why all your relationships fail miserably.

Know Thy Self:

Knowing what kind of person you are will determine what kind of person you are looking for in a relationship. Do have goals and ambitions? Are you happy being a flake? If you haven’t the faintest clue who you are or who you want to be, may God have mercy on us all. Solid understanding of yourself provides you with the confidence and wherewithal to make healthy decisions that might otherwise demise your partnership.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

Listen for phrases like:-“I want to grow with you”

-“Let’s compromise”

-“I love you for who you are”

-“Yeah, I’m ticklish”

Look for insincere and extremely repetitive use of these generic phrases:-“I’m sorry”

- “You complete me/You are my rock”

- “Let’s never fight”

- “I don’t care. What do you want to do?”

Opposites Attract:

Differences in personalities, likes, and dislikes all provide fuel for your love fire. Part of a good relationship is the ability to grow together, not apart. When people have competing ideas and meet challenges together, compromise is born.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-Your partner has inspired you to try new things-You and your partner work through problems together

-You are open to your partner’s ideas
-You hate morning breath and long toe nails-You love drugs, your partner is sober umpteen years

-You’re a cat person, your partner eats cats

Shared Responsibility:

Understanding that a relationship is a reciprocal cycle of give and take will help you navigate your way into a happy future. If you’re unable to get your share of the work done because you’re bending over backwards to pick up his/her slack, you’re going to have issues.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

-Your relationship feels like a team-When you come home from work and your partner has been home all day, the house is clean and vice versa

-You ask if you can help the other person and vice versa

-You think work is for suckers-You’re exhausted from getting too much sleep

-You don’t mind a dirty house

-You’re chiropractor says bending over backwards all of the time is taking a toll on your lumbar (also, You do all of the work)

Same Page:

Sometimes opposites attract, but you’d better like at least some of the same things as your best gal/beau otherwise your relation-ship is sunk. You might sit on opposite sides of the political aisle, but if his/her dream is to be a senator, then you’d better be heading up the campaign.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You are interested with your partner’s life outside of your relationship-You ask questions

-You actively listen
-You like VH1 and s/he hates TV-You like to get faded at da’ club and s/he likes reading the poetry at the café

-You like butt sex and s/he has hemorrhoids (rectum, damn near killed ‘em).

Future Plans:

S/he sees kids your future, but you see a boat? Yeah, maybe it’s time to talk. If your partner isn’t visible in your five-year-plan, maybe it’s time to rethink who your future includes.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You’ve talked with your partner about the future-You have similar goals for the future (own a house in a year, own a dog in two years, add a 2^nd dog in two and a half years)

-You can see yourself growing old with your partner

-You squander away your money and your partner’s money-Your partner is nonexistent in your future plans

-Marriage is not for you

-You’re in prison

Communication:

Some people fight to win and others fight to

share information. The ability to effectively exchange ideas with each other while maintaining respect is paramount to a relationship.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You feel like you’re with your best friend-You talk

-You listen
-You eat dinner in front of the TV-You’d rather your partner keep it down then you listen up

-When you talk, you can’t get a word in edge wise

There’s someone Else:

You talk until all hours of the night. You think about him/her all of the time. His/her d*ck is so young and thick. You long to be together day and night. If these are sentiments you hold for someone other than your partner, it’s time to break it off.

Signs of a Good Relationship

Signs of a Bad Relationship

-There is no one else but your partner-You are seriously considering marriage

-Soul mate is an understatement

-There’s someone else-You stare at anything in tight jeans that walks by

-You love him/her, but you’re not in love

Sexy Time:

Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but it is significant. If you’re coming back for more after all this time, chances are things are looking bright.

Signs of a Good Relationship Signs of a Bad Relationship

-You and your partner have sex at least once every week or so-You love to give and receive

-You and your partner talk about and sometimes act out fantasies and turn-ons
-You don’t know what your partner looks like naked-Your pubic area is overgrown and overwhelmingly odoriferous

-Masturbation is better for you

-Your safe word is “rape”

Recognizing and implementing some of these good signs in your relationship is sure to give you the boost you’ll need to make it with that special someone. If something’s wrong, however, chances are it’s you. Get yourself in shape and try again. There’s no sense in ruining somebody else’s life (and credit) because you’re a selfish jerk. That’s not what a good relationship is about.

Uncovering The Past

The Future, Uncategorized No Responses »

Aug 142009

They discovered this was a woman from the 80s trying to break through a glass ceiling. What will scientists discover about you?

They found this woman from the 1980's trying to break through a glass ceiling. What will scientists discover about you?

What are people in the future going to say about us? Yeah, what? Those b*tches. They don’t know sh*t. Don’t judge me. Take a paleontologist. Here, take him. What does he do? He digs through trash, that’s what! I saw this show on the Historectomy or Discoverme channel and these dudes were just digging through dirt. One stupid idiot professor picks up an old piece of wood and a nasty pot and tells me that “this is an early receipt on reeds and a latrine from 10,000 years ago. Analyzing the muck that has petrified inside of it is a great way to discover our ancestor’s habits.” Did you read that? Future people are going to check your receipts. Then they’re going to dig through your crap to find dirt on you. After all of that they’re gonna put it on TV. That’s some effed up nasty sh*t. They’re going to check my bank records and see all the toys I bought and then they’re gonna check my Internet Explorer history and think I’m sick. I saw the show. I know what happens. They’re going to rummage through my poopy doo doos. Yeah, I eat chalk and candy wrappers. I want it all to be Chinese rice candy. So what? They’re going to wonder about the dog excrement. They’ll find out I don’t have a dog. Yeah, I’ve eaten a condom or two in my day. I’m scared. They’re going to find out about me and tell everyone. Whatever they tell you in the future…it’s not true. I’m lonely.

Hello world! Word as hell.

Life Lessons, Story, The Future, World's Worst 1 Response »

Jun 292009

What’s up folks? I am going to rock your faces off with a little fun. It’s not the little fun you have hanging out with your ugly family. No, this is the kinky, no-holds-barred kind of fun you get when you acid wash your own jeans. We’ve all done it. So what?! No big deal, really. It’s the kind of fun you have when you watch youtube reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos or when you eat a sandwich on chewy bread. Incremental units of fun is what you’ll have here. I encourage you to embrace the little fun that you are going to have and suck on it. Besides, the only way to truly embrace something you love is to put your mouth on it…ladies. Great then. I’ll see you inside.

Wolsamnoraa's Blog

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