Tookie

Lap Cat

Jan 262011

I’m sitting here at my computer at my desk. I’m completely comfortable except for one thing. My cat, Leo, is laying on my lap. This wouldn’t be a problem if he was the size of, say, a normal house cat. He’s bigger than most cats which poses a couple of problems. In addition to blocking my arms from reaching the keyboard, his weight is putting an unnecessary amount of pressure on my bladder. I’d make him move so I can use the toilet except he’s so relaxed.

He’s even trying to playfully chew through the cord to my head phones. That’s kind of annoying but I don’t think it’s as distracting as the warm spot he’s making on my lap. The heat radiating on my crotch is the equivalent of turning a blow dryer on my nether region. On top of the heat is the constant kneading and nesting with his front feet(?). Place a poorly constructed doll house in your lap and turn a blow dryer up to tooth and nail hot and you could easily be sitting in my place. What’s worse is that with every gnashing opening and closing of his mouth to get through the headphones, he’s emitting some sort of foul-smelling, gag-inducing cat breath. It can only be described in terms of what shrimp cocktails smell like when they’re vomited into a litter box.

Speaking of litter, the rhythmic tenderizing of my crotch is causing pee-absorbing, clay balls to loosen from his paw fur. Still wet with what I can only explain as diaper filler, this horrendous smelling clumping agent is being mashed into my pants. In my best attempt to create this post and pet the feline, I am typing with one hand and caressing with the other. His hind quarters flex as my hand passes over his back and tail. I just spotted a speck of brown jangling between thrusts and squats. “Oh God!” Yep, it’s poop. “Oh God. Oh G…” Silence? He just gnawed the headphone wire in two. “Get off! Ah! There’s crap nuggets and fur on the keys! What’s that smell? Just remember that you’re going to die one day!” (And I’ll be sad.)

Fighting Your Lover…In Bed

Animal, Hate, Injury, Life Lessons, love, Tookie, Versus 1 Response »

Feb 072010

Every once in a long while, the animosity you bare for your fellow earthlings falls by the wayside. You learn to live and let live and even love and get head. I am convinced the formula for such change heavily relies on one’s ability to share.

I recently acquired an animal pet. Her name is Tippi Nunu but I call her Nu for short. She is black and white and pees in the sink. I really like her and the story of how we found her is amazing. As much as I like this cat, my old cat, Tookie or Grandpa for short, hates her. Or at least that’s how it’s seemed since I brought her home.

For the first two months, they have been fighting and mangling each other in only the way cats can; loudly and with the removal of fur. The points of contention are usually related to food or territory or fiscal responsibility. Tippi says, “My space” and Tookie says, “I’ll claw your eyeballs out! Facebook, bitch!” And a kitty quarrel ensues.

The other day I awoke to the frisky felines contending over the warm spot between my legs (the place where my sleep-farts live). At first it seemed like they were actually sharing the spot until I realized a thousand small incisions covering my shins. Apparently, I was a victim of circumstance in their battle royal.

Today I saw Tookie and Tippi in one of the special cat beds I bought for them. This is a scene I’ve seen before and, like those times before, I feared there may be blood. Something unusual happened, though. Instead of fighting for the small island nation of Catbedonia, the cats were sharing. In fact, Tookie, my old, large, white sour-puss was licking Tippi, the smaller, blacker cat.

I was astonished so I took a video on my phone. It was short lived, however, when Tippi made a sudden move that spooked ol’ Tookus. He went from licking to biting in a matter of milliseconds. I assume Tookie has marinating agent in his saliva that enables his fangs to sink more easily into skin. I took video of that as well. Completely amazing. Regardless of the circumstances, they are making huge strides in sharing and love. See for yourself…

The calamity that ensued…

Tookie vs. Tippi

Animal, family, Tookie 4 Responses »

Jan 062010

There’s a new sheriff in town. She’s a kitten named Tippi (temporarily). That’s right. We got another cat. JDub’s aunt and uncle were driving along the treacherous back roads of gritty Colorado Springs and heard meowing. There was Tippi, trapped under the hood.

As the story goes, they think Tippi had a brother. Apparently, in addition to Tippi, there were several other cat parts including a kitten penis and balls. It’s sad, but I never had the chance to know him, so I don’t feel all that bad unless I think about it.

So, JDubs and I adopted a new pet. She’s black and white and runs all over.She’s playful and adds a little more life to the house. There’s just one problem. In all her antics and misbehavin’, she tends to take what she wants and keep what she kills. Tookie, our preexisting feline friend, hates Tippi.

Tookie’s not good at sharing. He always has her backed into a corner so he can pee in her food dish. Tookie has turned from a lovable old scalawag into a bitter old coot. Because of his bad attitude, we started calling him Grandpa. My God, does he hate that. He gets extra bitey when he hears “Get Tippi’s head out of your mouth, Grandpa!”

It’s been two weeks since our acquisition and, hopefully, Tookie’s cat-titude turns around soon. Otherwise, we might have to get rid of Tippi the same as her brother by turning her into car parts. Let’s hope not.

Tookie is not happy

Tippi is an African name. It means "short for tall cat"

Dream Analysis

Animal, Life Lessons, Tookie No Responses »

Dec 282009

I’ve been having these really weird dreams. They’re vivid and sometimes they’re kind of freaky.

Last night I had one where I was walking around in my condo and stepped on some nails. The nails popped right out of the top of my foot and I was bleeding all over the carpet and then the carpet turned into a sea of nipples. Another dream I’ve had was one where I’m in line at a Taco Bell drive-thru and someone asks if I want hot sauce.

These dreams seem so real. But because I half a logical brain, I’m able to deduce that they’re not real. For instance, I know the Taco Bell excursion was a dream because I couldn’t find a receipt for tacos, nor were there any left over hot sauce packets or napkins. Additionally, my bowels seemed to be intact and in normal working order the next three days which is evidence that I never ate any damn tacos.

Anyway, I was curious as to what these dreams all mean so I kept a journal of them and looked up the meanings. Discovering each translation was like opening a bitter fortune cookie. Here is a short list of dreams I can remember having over the last week:

Blue tea kettle in an open microwave – Something mysterious will happen to my testicles
My older brother – I stand to lose my hair
Jared Hood’s (childhood friend) old kitchen – Success followed by failure

Dreaming of Taco Bell can only mean one thing; Gay

Hamster/gerbil – Abundance/scarcity

Gift from my older brother – A sign of heartbreaking love
A golfer – Traveling a great distance by goat
My car – Putting a lot of money into a “sinking ship”
Open car windows – Making a new friend who steals from me
Desert – Sexy new beginnings with cacti

Mattresses – Support from gloved ones
Parking lot – Finding meaning in life
The YMCA – I’m gay?
Kindness of stranger named Angie who goes by Anne – Penetration by sword or writing tool
A baby – Impending doom
My cat, Tookie – Terrible, hurtful things

Traveling by car – Diabetes
My mother – Birth of a relative
A piercing through my inner ear – Successful homicide

Bear Creek High School (the name and the physical site) – I will go horseback riding soon
Toilets outside – A plentiful garden
Pooping – Transitioning from one part of my life to another
Wiping but not being able to clean it – Lying to the people I love
Best friend asking me to hurry or he’ll leave – Afraid of success
Throwing soiled toilet paper at my friend – An exchange of gifts

So what does it all mean? Good question. Using some very valid/nonsensical online resources, I can tell it’s all very good/bad. Apparently, I either stand to inherit a good bit of wealth or I’m doomed to roam the world sad and dead. It’s really all up to interpretation.

Hot Shot Cat

Animal, family, Tookie 4 Responses »

Dec 092009

Hotter than a fat chick at a holiday sweater party. Yee Haw!

From Cat Photos

Tookie is my cat. When it gets cold outside (subzero temps and other temperatures ), Tookie hides in the warmest part of the house. Normally, he lays on our guest bed underneath a heat register that rains warmth upon him when the furnace kicks on. That rarely happens.

Because I’m out of work and JDubs and I don’t like wasting money on energy, the furnace is set at a cool 62 degrees F. That invariably means that our house is f-f-f-freezing. I can get by with an extra layer or ten. But even with a thicket of cat fur and a big F.U.P.A., the cat can’t get warm. He is cool to the touch even when balled up in his spot under the heat.

Every once in a while, I’ll cave. ”It’s too cold,” I’ll say. Instead of turning up the furnace, however, I’ll turn on a little space heater that JDubs bought. She got it at an after winter sales event at Target (we’re talking 90% off this heater…what a Jewy kind of deal!). The money saved on the device warrants splurging on electricity. So, that’s what I do.

All of a sudden Tookie has a new favorite spot…where ever the space heater is. It’s really hot but he curls up in front of it anyway. Here’s a video to show how comfortable he is:

Sorry for the sideways filming, porno-style handy cam work and the water mark…I’m only pretty good at this stuff, not really good.

Look At This Damn Cat

Animal, Life Lessons, Tookie 8 Responses »

Nov 102009

This is how Tookie gets home on the third floor of a condo building. What’s weird is he goes outside all the time but I’ve never seen him come in until today.

He does it all of the time, once with a dead rabbit in his mouth

Once he gets to my patio he comes inside through a dog door. The cat weighs almost 20 pounds…This is amazing to me.

10 Reasons I Get Up In The Morning

10 Reasons, Animal, Hate, Tookie 2 Responses »

Oct 222009

: “Chop wood naked”

There is seldom a time when I just pop out of bed. The anticipation that most days will undoubtedly drag on with mindless chores and endless Charles In Charge reruns justifies at least a half dozen strikes of the snooze button. Some days, however, have potential to be the best damn days I’ve ever seen. When I was a kid, for example, I don’t think I was able to sleep a wink the night before Christmas and I’m a big, fat Jew. I just love something about those elves…I think it’s what landed me on the federal child sex offender list (talk about a reason to get up…all those little minors). Here is a list of ten other reasons that give me a rise in the morning:

10. Breakfast…Yeah, breakfast has it all and it’s absolutely worth getting up for. Not only is it the most important meal of the day, it’s the meal that keeps on giving. Typical breakfast fare (cereal, eggs, bacon, pizza, milk shakes) account for over ninety-two percent of my daily calorie intake. The other eight percent…cat food sandwiches.

9. Cat’s Hungry…Tookie’s my cat and he get’s hungry for breakfast, too. Unfortunately, in the animal kingdom there aren’t nice little cravings to remind you that you’re hungry. What Tookie has are urges (usually for flesh). He keeps what he kills, and today it’s Friskie’s. Some days I just wish he’d learn to sharpen his claws opening cans of cat food instead of my face. He’s a real cutie.

8. Internet Porn…It’s free of charge and as viscous as milk. Internet porn (or pornography for art) changes so often, if you see the same video twice in your lifetime, well sir, that’s amazing. The other thing that gets me jazzed before I get jizzed is that you never know when you’ll be hit with the urge to splurge. It’s usually when I’m at the mall or a day care. Thank God for the 3G network.

7. Court Date…(see above) Sucks. Don’t even get me started on the parole hearings…who the hell is up before 10 in the A.M? Lawyers, that’s what.

6. Vacation…It’s worth getting out of bed in tropical paradise when the hotel room is hotter than a jungle and it’s as humid as the ocean. Nothing says “seize the day and explore the world” like swatting at mosquitoes the size of small owls in your room.

5. Bachelor Party…Get up? I never went to bed. Besides, I can’t trust a bunch of dudes that get drunk, strip down to their dicks and ass, endlessly chant “chop wood naked”, and dance around an open fire pit. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

4. Halloween…It’s like a modern-day Christmas. Free candy…check. Ghosts and ghouls…check. Slutty girls dressed in nothing…check and check. Halloween Eve (or Hallow’s Eve Eve as the Christ lovers exult) is like waiting for your son to be born…so you can finally touch him (see above).

3. Election Day…It’s the only day I know of that I get to choose which minority I sympathize with the most without giving money, the blacks or the retards.

2. Beer…If I know I’m going to be drinking at any point during the day, you can bet your sweet, fat ass I’m waking up. Put it in my coffee!

-And Finally-

1. Work…I f*cking hate work. I f*cking hate it!

Milking The Cat, Mom

Animal, Story, Tookie No Responses »

Oct 152009

Tippie NuNu was the neighbor’s cat. Tippie NuNu was an outdoor cat and was often seen retreating to the shade provided by my neighbor’s broke down, four-door jallopy. My neighbor was an idiot who lived with his mother. It was to my amazement that she let him keep that car in the drive for so long. Either way, Tippie NuNu would lie so that his hind quarters were hidden behind the back tire of the car. Tippie NuNu’s signature look was a thousand yard stare into oblivion. I never figured out what Tippie NuNu was gazing at, but I got the sense that there was no where else he’d rather be. I could tell because under Tippie’s squinting eyes was a smile that stretched from ear to ear as he radiated peace. Seeing that happy cat every day temporarily took the stress out of my life. Every once and a while I would see other cats come by to see Tippie NuNu. What’s strange is that usually cats don’t get along very well. They’re defensive and often fight for their territory. Not Tippie. He just sat there and grinned as the other cats would often join him in the shade.

After several unsuccessful attempts to fix his rust bucket of a car, my neighbor sold it to an Irishman. Tippie NuNu had nowhere to rest and suddenly days didn’t seem so great. Tippie NuNu would pace aimlessly for hours looking for the shade that my neighbor’s car often afforded him.

One day Tippie gave up and took refuge in the summer sun where the car used to be. Eventually, a strange cat wandered by and came to rest next to Tippie NuNu. As I watched Tippie NuNu and his feline friend, I noticed that the grin returned to Tippie’s face. I was suddenly startled to see that his friend was licking Tippie’s junk with such veracity that it caused Tippie NuNu to grin even wider and squint even harder. Using his sand paper tongue, the young, feline friend was attacking Tippie’s boy parts as violently as a cat would attack a scratching post or new furniture.

Just as I noticed Tippie’s kitty junk bleeding from over stimulation from his friend, my neighbor ran from out of his house waving a broom screaming back, “Mom, another one of them cats is back and he’s milking Tippie again! He’s milking the cat, mom!” It was a dark day for us all. Things never seemed as pleasant for Tippie as they did before my neighbor sold the jalopy. I guess you just do whatever creams your Twinkie. That was Tippie NuNu’s philosophy, anyway.

Dead Rabbits

Animal, Ball Sport, family, Food, Injury, Life Lessons, Story, Tookie 2 Responses »

Aug 252009

Tookie is my cat and we live on the third story of a condominium building. He is extraordinary in every way. He is cute and fun like a small human. He bites hard and sleeps well. Even the way his huge craps stink is immaculate. Unfortunately for him, he is an outdoor cat trapped inside a indoor cat’s house. Sometimes, however, he is allowed out when I leave the house and the neighbors are gone. And this is where one of his best features kicks in. In order to get back into the condo after I let him outside, he doesn’t just wait at the front door making a scene for no one to hear like all the other idiot cats out there. No, he’s better than that. Using pure prowess and power, grace and skill, he scales the back side of our building with his cat-like claws and incredible strength. He jumps on our back porch and comes in through a dog door I paid for with my mother’s retirement money. This morning, I let Tookie outside a little earlier than usual so that he could exercise his handsome feline features. Which he did.

Tookie sometimes reminds me just how close to nature we actually live. We are a mere 20 yards from open space and, because of this Tookie and I have an agreement: He may only take memories and leave only footprints. Today he violated that agreement. He caught, maimed, killed, carried up the building, sat down on my kitchen floor with, and devoured the head of a baby rabbit (otherwise known as a cutie or a babbit). It’s pretty incredible what my cat is capable of. It’s even more incredible how much he can just kill an innocent creature with no remorse only minutes after I fed him. But I’m not even mad; I’m actually a little proud. Look what he can do! Commit murder? The thing is I just don’t want to clean up his pukes. Maybe if I leave it, my lover, JDubs, will clean it up with a trash sack and spare me the trouble.

Tookie eats rabbits like a man juggles; with balls

10 Reasons I Like Tookie

10 Reasons, Animal, Tookie 2 Responses »

Jul 302009

He even licks his own butt hole if he's feeling unfresh

He licks his butt hole when he's soiled

These are the most of main reasons I like my cat, Tookie:

10. He is as charming as his teeth and claws are sharp (extremely)

9. When we adopted him he came with a pre-paid calling card

8. He will often times vomit up figure 8 patterns of the lunch meats he begs for

7. He parades around on clean counter-tops immediately after using his litter box

6. His idea of a nice gift is something freshly disemboweled and still living

5. If it weren’t for the lid on his litter box, he would sit on the edge of the box and sh&t on the floor

4. He can scale buildings and properly uses a doggie door

3. He helps break in new furniture by shredding, shedding, and throwing up on it

2. His favorite game is cut throat

and finally…

1. He drinks from the toilet no matter what’s in it

A Little Secret About Tookie

Animal, family, Hate, Tookie 2 Responses »

Jul 132009

The blood in his heart was taken from another living creature

I have a cat which is a fact that I have mentioned before. He has aptly been nicknamed Tookie (and sometimes Tookus) after the late (sometimes great) founder and leader of the Hebrew Crips, Tookie Williams. My Tookie has the personality of a wolf and the lips of a gator. Tookie is a pack creature and loves to sharpen his teeth. He’s not your everyday house cat. He’d just as soon tear you limb from limb as he would buy you a greeting card with his feelings written neatly in feline calligraphy (a dying art form). He’s a complicated mess and it’s tempting to pet him, but don’t. You’ll get hurt and you might possibly fall in love.

I have also mentioned one of the neighbors that I live near. She dons a large ass and walks an old fat dog. The dog, a war torn golden retriever named Daisy, is an ok dog because she never talks. My neighbor on the other hand, won’t shut up. Her life seems to be a teetering balance of treats and gossip. She bought/adopted Daisy immediately (like 2 days) after her other, aging retriever died. She’s always calls the dog quirky names like ol’ fart, goof butt, and, my personal favorite, Chelsea (it was her old dog’s name, she blurted it out once by mistake). Needless to say, they’re quite the pair; always breathing heavily and gnoshing snacks.

Well, the cat sees the dog coming to and from the apartment daily as the gastropod neighbor and Daisy waddle by my front door to use the stairs. Being the intellectual, prison-mentality cat that he is, Tookie stares Daisy down through our screen door every day looking smug and contrite as if to say, “I am going to claw your heart out you dirty old mutt.” Sometimes Daisy ignores it. Sometimes Daisy barks. But one of these days, whether Daisy reacts or not, Tookus is going to tear ass through that screen door, open up that old dog with his claws, and chomp down on her tired soul. And I imagine that no sooner will that day come than my neighbor will have bought a new/used retriever to mistakenly name goof butt.

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Wolsamnoraa's Blog

Tookie

Lap Cat

Tookie vs. Tippi

Dream Analysis

Hot Shot Cat

Look At This Damn Cat

10 Reasons I Get Up In The Morning

Milking The Cat, Mom

Dead Rabbits

10 Reasons I Like Tookie

A Little Secret About Tookie

What Day Is It?

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