World's Worst

September 2010
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Jersey Shore Is On

Feb 162010

These guys give douche bags a bad name

I know it’s a little late to comment on the decay of America’s social fabric but I’m going to anyway. I was tuning into some syndicated episodes of my favorite teeny-bopper television programming on a channel called MTV, when I noticed a show I hadn’t seen before. It’s called “Jersey Shore”.

For those of you who don’t know (i.e. anyone over the age of 24), “Jersey Shore” showcases the lives of several twenty-something New Jerseyans or New Jerseyites or douche bags or whatever living in a beach house in New Jersey. These kids are young and sexy and trendy and are always looking to score some tail or coke. Their nicknames and dialects are as revolting and annoying as those of the characters in the movie, “Good Will Hunting”.

From what I can tell, the men on the show gather strength for sun tanning and misogyny by slamming down Jaeger Bombs in hot tubs and smoking menthol cigarettes. The girls in the cast use the power of Bump-its, push-up bras and brash diction to get punched in the face. Watching “Jersey Shore” is like watching a bunch of retards play together. Everyone just makes up his own rules and throws a tantrum whenever he’s expected to share.

Their days are spent wandering around looking for sex and whining about how difficult their lives are. So far as I can tell, it reflects the general attitude of young Americans. The people in the cast are egocentric and insist that the world owes them something for nothing. No work and all play is the Jersey Shore way of life. The characters show a complete disregard for personal responsibility. It saddens me to think that this is what we view as normal behavior.

Regardless, “Jersey Shore” is a great show. I can’t turn away when these freaks get to jabber-jawing. From what I’ve heard, a lot of people like it, too. MTV has decided to bring the cast back for a second season. I guess we’ll just have to wait for another sultry New Jerseyan summer and “Grease” sequel before we can get another taste of this delectable dish.

Weighty Subject

Half-ass, Life Lessons, World's Worst, work 2 Responses »

Feb 052010

You can give the dog tacos if he does his trick

Part of the new diet that I started last week is to get my flabby, smelly self to the gym at least every once and a while. While seemingly good, this strategy faces a mogul. Herein lies the problem; at the heart of every diet there is a monster lurking waiting to rear its ugly head. Since I have limited my work-outs to binge eating and seldom vomiting (great for your abs but not your self-esteem), it has been much more difficult to move around efficiently.

I liken it to one of those gym commercials on TV. In the commercial, every body’s fit and looking good. The price in the ad suggests you could afford a membership to the gym, and maybe that’s true. However, since you lack any sort of physique (let alone a healthy one) and risk judgment from other members, you permanently fix yourself to the sofa. You essentially decide that in order to fit in at the commercial’s gym, you’d first have to join a less reputable gym filled with ugly people that you feel comfortable around until you developed into a worthy specimen. In other words, there’s a lot of work involved just to start the work that’s involved. Clearly, not worth it.

And that’s me. I decided that getting old, fat me up and off the couch is a work-out in itself. It’s such a heavy burden to bear, in fact, that such work usually deserves a salty/sugary/fat laden snack or two, or three, or just gimme the whole box, dammit!

The cycle will continue until one day, I look out from the body of an enormous gastropod only to see that TLC is filming in my living room. Yes, the TV that I ignored for so long will find me out once again, thus, showing me what a waste I’ve become. I imagine that the producers of “House Whale” will try convincing me of some exotic and new gastric bypass surgery that, in the event it doesn’t kill me, will take me down a size or two, or three, or just gimme…

Unfortunately, after some initial excitement, I imagine the brochures that the producers show me to sell their fancy surgery are riddled with svelte recovering fat freaks. I will again hold that I could only accept the exotic bypass procedure if first I incurred a smaller surgery at a less reputable clinic. The producers will discuss the issue and ultimately reject my claim. I will wither away into a fifteen hundred pound puddle of tears and nothing more.

No matter how hard I work-out, there is no way I will ever lose the ugly head.

10 Reasons To Stay Out Of Mexico

10 Reasons, Life Lessons, World's Worst 4 Responses »

Jan 212010

There's a small sand castle under that man's hat

I’ve been out of a job for three months now. I could think of no better way to celebrate that fact than by setting off to the region of the world known as Mexico. My thought was that I could live it up in an all-inclusive resort on less money than it takes to fill up my gas tank (btw, I drive a bus).

However, Mexico’s third-world hospitality left a bad taste in my mouth. Mexicans were so nice even though Americans were so stupid and mean. Additionally, its tropical climate left my fair-skinned ass cheeks as chapped and chaffed as a cheap prostitute’s money hole.

What I thought was going to be a great deal turned into a great dump. The shams that have been put in place to make up for years of degradation by Americans give Mexicans a bad name. I soon realized that my presence in Mexico wasn’t doing anyone any good.

I don’t think that anybody should go to Mexico and I have no one to blame but all of you. It won’t get any better until people stay away and give Mexico time to recover from years of abuse from Western culture. Here, then, are ten reasons that people should stay out of Mexico:

10. “All-inclusive resort” is Spanish for “nothing’s included in the price except give us more money”

9. The watered down Tequila is 40% alcohol by ballroom

8. Tipping is unnecessary and mandatory

7. I was in a restaurant and ordered a steak that was cooked to medium weird

6. All of the good help has immigrated north

5. The Chinese food was not very good

4. The polluted and murky sea water is not safe for drowning in

3. Pesos look like and function as play money

2. The soiled Mexican scenery makes the Jersey Shore look like paradise

-and, finally-

1. There is no doubt about it…you will get sick

One Short Stack, Coming Up – A Tattoo’s Story

Food, Hate, Injury, Life Lessons, Story, World's Worst 8 Responses »

Jan 122010

My one time great dorm mate and supposed tweaker, Dave W. Cissell , once posted on his Facebook that “Morality is temporary, wisdom is permanent…”

Notice the butterfly's unicorn horn

Short stack, short stack, coming up

There was a time when I was strictly opposed to the form of body art known as tattooing. I forbade myself from ever permanently scarring my flesh with some meaningless tribal band or ill placed flower. I was opposed, until I heard this story of a band of brothers and their quest for greatness; a story that I’m making mine. This story gave me wisdom.

And, so it was. I ventured into the vast expanse of the world and came back with a permanent scar. It’s something to show just how committed to living life fully I really am. Sunday:

My wife, Jessica, and I went to the tattoo parlor the other day and returned with ink. We were assisted by Ben at Primitive Soul Tattoo in Lakewood, CO.

Nice place. Clean, seemingly reputable.

We were joined by our good friend and snack raider, Tyler J. Jessica didn’t want us to watch as she received her ‘too so Ty and I ran to get some pho. It took an hour, but it was really good pho. Pho 95. The best, Jerry. The best. We were headed back when I received a call from Jessica. ”It’s time,” she said.

When I arrived there were some kids standing outside the shop smoking. One looked like a retard, another one slipped on some ice and nearly fell. As I was walking in, I slipped in the same spot. ”Now who looks like the retard?” their jeers suggested.

We went in and I got inked. Squid style, son. The image of a short stack of pancakes three high, forever ingrained in my skin and on my soul. Maybe one day I’ll incorporate some mythical creature with a bowl of cereal for a body and bulls-eye eggs and bacon for a face hurdling over my pancakes. The sky’s the limit!

Afterwards, we went to a liquor store to get some beer and I showed the Chinese lady my new tattoo and she was aghast. Take that, lady! You just got caked. I’m living. I’m full of wisdom and, now, beer. Here’s a movie:

Misleading Wikipedia Information Or “Duh” For Short

Life Lessons, Story, World's Worst No Responses »

Jan 082010

I was in college once and a professor told me to get off the grass. Punderful! He also told me never to use Wikipedia as a resource in collegiate academia. ”Why?” you may ask. ”Because,” he said, “it’s crap!” I wondered about this. I use Wikipedia to fact check everything that seems the littlest bit suspicious or forged.

During Obama’s historic presidential campaign, I was all over John McCain’s baloney like white on race rice. My buddy told me that Wyoming is the smallest state in Union. ”Bull fur!” I cried. I Googled the funk out of that stink and low and behold, first on the search results, Wikipedia. Wyoming has the smallest population of any state in the U.S. It’s probably smaller than the population of Guam, I’m maybe betting. They should call it “Why, oh, why would you live there, Ming?” Or not.

It seems that Wikipedia’s fact backing power far exceeded the expectations of that darned professor. But, being the intellectual smarty that I am, I decided to research further into his claim that Wikipedia is crap and that one shouldn’t use it to prove anything. I have listed a few well-known facts I searched that returned some questionable results:

She's as shocked as I am

My 1st Inquiry: Define Boning. Wikipedia’s Answer: The method a butcher uses to remove meat from bone.

What is this Tom Foolery?! There’s not a mention of the real definition of boning which is to sexually penetrate a lady or Thai boy-girl. In fact, the only relevant portion that matches my search was some sketchy mention of cutting into pork. Outlandish!

My 2nd Inquiry: Jerry Seinfeld’s birthplace. Wikipedia’s Answer: Jerry Seinfeld was born in Brooklyn, NY.

Fact: Jerry Seinfeld was born amongst immortals high atop Mount Olympus and was cradled and cared for by the comedy gods Zeus and Jokusplese.

My 3rd Inquiry: What is the worth of a mint condition United States 1921 issue Peace Dollar? Wikipedia’s Answer: $135.00.

Bogus, man! The answer is one dollar. Hence, why it’s called the Peace Dollar and not the Peace Hundo-and-Change.

I am shocked that my professor was right (I mean, he was only a PhD). Wikipedia is an informational super traffic jam. The only fact that you can ultimately prove with Wikipedia is that Wikipedia sucks…balls. To my dismay, this explains why I failed all of my college papers. I should have known better. If only Wikipedia could have warned me…oh, wait. Dammit!

10 Reasons The Clitoris Is So Elusive

10 Reasons, Hot Chicks, World's Worst, work No Responses »

Dec 042009

There's no getting around 'it' because you don't know where 'it' is

I don’t know about you, but one of the most stimulating parts of intercourse is satisfying your partner. If you’re like me or any member of an all-girl softball team, then most of your sex is going to be with a woman. There is no greater reciprocation of mutual respect than offering a resounding “OH YES!!” to your woman/women.

From my experiences as a medical doctor and sexual predator, I can tell you that the orgasm you give to your lady comes from stimulation of her clitoris: a mysterious nub button within the confines of a human’s labia majora. However, even though I know it’s there, and she knows it’s there, and the camera man knows it there, the clitoris evades me sometimes.

A buddy of mine told me once about “eating out” with a friend one evening. What he thought was a nice serving turned into an audible “sigh” of discomfort from his lady friend. Apparently, the clam cake appetizer didn’t come to the table at all. That one sigh set the pace for the entire course. He said that he had his dessert alone in a corner with chocolate sauce for lube and a bus boy’s apron for clean up.

My friend’s (and his lady’s) misfortunes led me to ask the question: At the most crucial times, why is the clitoris so elusive? Here are 10 reasons I came up with to explain…

10. It was circumcised in an act of religious persecution (so sad )

9. Her mother is a turtle and it’s hiding

8. She’s in labor and you’re spreading her baby’s cleft lip

7. Her father is a groundhog and fears its own shadow (thanks, Sean)

6. The man in the little boat finally set sail

5. She’s a man with big hairy man parts

4. You’re poking around in the wrong hole

3. She’s wearing parachute pants

2. She’s an amputee from the neck down

-and, finally-

1. You can lick around until your tongue turns raw, but you have no idea what you’re looking for

Little People, Big Problem

Hate, Life Lessons, World's Worst, kids 2 Responses »

Dec 022009

I’ve been glued to TLC’s Little People, Big World for the last three years. Unfortunately, I’ve only focused on the corrupt and small handed nature of little people.

They always seem bitter because things didn’t work out the way they wanted. As a result, I adopted a bad attitude whenever I thought of short people.

I’m not going to hold that against them, though. My biases are simply constructed from a combination of life experience and my father’s violent spats stemming from rampant alcohol abuse. That’s not fair…technically, little people didn’t do anything (I gather this is because of the physical limitations of their bodies). Instead, I wanted to get past this judgment when I thought of this whole race of people.

As a tall person with all the advantages, I wanted to visualize where these shorties were coming from. Do tall people really get more out of life than little people?

My first response was “hell yes”. But, once again, that wasn’t fair. Sure, we tall folk get to ride all the big rides and pick fruit from our favorite fruit trees, but we’re at some disadvantage here, too.

Not since my childhood will I ever again know the joys/urine smell of a ball pit. I will never successfully tunnel out of prison using the conveniently misplaced duct work in my jail cell. My torso is just too long. And never shall there be a time when I will fit inside a cupboard.

Am I bitter about this? Not really. When life hands you lemon trees, you reach up and pick the fruit…and then share your bounty with the less fortunate ground foragers.

Acceptance is the first step to contentment. Volleyball can be a spectator sport. You don’t always have to reach the gas pedal to get a ride. My great-grandfather was short and he was the mayor of an entire province city town township village barn community place. Little people are inspiring and watching them “grow” builds character.

From this analysis, I gather that my perspective is skewed. The negativity that I focus on from Little People, Big World is all part of the show. My opinion is that TLC produces a spectacle that showcases the disadvantages of little people. The network capitalizes on the drama of these people’s lives.

And if you ask me, that’s the real shame. Exploiting people for ratings and money is no better than trading slaves or killing puppies. That’s more of an MTV thing to me. I think I’ll save judgment for the sluts and ‘tards on The Hills.

Increase In Gas Prices

Sales, Story, World's Worst 2 Responses »

Nov 162009

"With our Juggies full and our gas real cheap, GallonMart's savings are yours to keep"

Well, the yeas have it! According to a recent poll I cast last week, an overwhelming 67 percent of you wanted to hear about the increase in gas prices. That’s more than half of the people who voted! Can you believe it? I can…’t.

Our incredible yet believable story begins where any true story begins; at a store. This isn’t just any store, though. This is the GallonMart off 104th. In case you don’t know, the GallonMart is a warehouse superstore where all products are sold by the gallon. It’s no Costco or Sam’s Club because it’s worse; free samples are in gallon increments and it’s always stuff you’d never consume like Pork Points and Lye Milk. Management at the GallonMart has its employees empty prepackaged consumable items into recycled gallon jugs known as Juggies. The store apparently saves money this way because of the huge savings offered from manufacturers for buying in bulk.

Although it’s not true, GallonMart also claims to have the largest assortment of crap in gallon form on the planet. They are so proud of this fact, that their slogan reads: “If we don’t have it in a Juggie, we’ll send you to Mars.” The slogan is then followed by a disclaimer that argues all claims of interplanetary travel will not hold up in a court of law.

However bizarre the store’s concept, it’s the business model that’s really interesting. Since GallonMart guarantees the lowest wholesale prices on obsolete items like Robert Milsap’s Malt Flavored Turkey Burst, Ibuprofiend Pain Reliever (highly addictive; popular with teenagers), and Red Bull Elephant Energy Drank, it has a difficult time meeting their projected profit margins. Can you honestly tell me who in their right mind is going to buy a gallon of Elephant Drank? Ech, gross!

To offset costs, however, they sell one product that people absolutely need: gasoline. GallonMart has recently built a filling station. They figure that people who actually stop in and shop are happy to fill up their cars with seemingly discounted gas. Even though GallonMart’s marketing strategies would suggest otherwise, their gas is not discounted at all.

GallonMart’s gasoline prices are off the chart. It averages fifteen cents more per gallon than that of the next highest purveyor of fuel. What’s worse, is that the self-filling stations are vending machines stocked with Juggies full of gas. Forget pumping your own gas. As the customer, you’re expected to “Pour yourself an old one (they play the age of fossil fuels on the old adage ‘pour a cold one’)”. Surprisingly, people are lining up around the block as a result of the unique filling methods and supposed convenience and reduced prices. They feel it’s kitschy and fun. And in order to recoup lost business, other gas stations are raising prices.

Hopefully, like most things, this is just a passing fad. If it is not a fad, then this is my warning to you people: stop pouring your gas! It’s expensive and wrong. It’s costing this community a lot of money. Additionally, you’re being lied to. If you’re going to shop at GallonMart, please buy other essentials like Gallon-O-Tripe or Rubber Wash and stay away from the gas. It’s watered down, anyway.

This message brought to you by the BBB (big bawling bitch).

The Dentistry

Life Lessons, World's Worst 1 Response »

Sep 212009

Teeth strings for the plucking.

Sometimes you go to Pittsburgh and your teeth hurt. There was a building called the Dentistry. When you went there an irate Aussie was working beyond the counter. In a thick Australian accent he said, “You like your teeth and so do Aye!” You were frightened about the insurance. No copay? You were vulnerable then. The Aussie glanced up from his stack of answers holding a knife to your face like a pen to paperwork and quietly barked, “I’m not from around here.” Shhh. You take the clipboard to the lobby. The lobby? The lobby. All of the white magazines and doors were covered in copy from covers to floors. You filled it out. Your appointment was sooner than it was. “You get in the chair,” he said. The gas passed. “Don’t forget your toothbrushes for the long trip.” Not again today. The Aussie gripped a knife in his hand’s palm; his main digits were thumbs. He has your teeth in his stack. He was nice enough to leave you smiling. It is what it is. You’ve always looked taller. The Dentistry was a building in Pittsburgh. It was made from teeth. They had rot. You can whistle again.

Just Curious…

Animal, Food, Poop Related, World's Worst 2 Responses »

Sep 042009

Yeah, kind of like this

I’m curious about retards but I’m scared to approach them. I see Down Syndrome people or wheel-abouts (my expression for the mentally and physically doomed) and my heart aches.

I feel so bad that I can’t even talk to them. I know if I did I would slip up and start asking them math related questions. I weep inside when I see a bus of them pull up outside the mall’s food court.

What, if anything, are they thinking? Do you think that their thought processes are like those of animals?

I heard this argument once that animals don’t have the ability to feel or communicate with others. One justification for slaughtering cows or chickens to eat is that they can’t feel the pain because they’re somehow immune.

Are retards like that? Are they immune to pain? If they can’t feel anything or communicate effectively, do they want to live? Should we eat them?

We’d have to kill them first. According to my speculation, they won’t feel it. Most wouldn’t be able to tell anyone about the injustice they were suffering at the feed lots because they couldn’t comprehend the situation. They wouldn’t know any different.

I can see them getting upset trying to think about the way things could be or couldn’t be or just….UGH, poop! They could just vent their frustrations with poop throwing/eating contests. “Do you smell that, honey? I think they just wrangled up some more ‘tards for slaughter.”

I wonder what they taste like. If only I wasn’t so scared to ask them, they could probably tell me.

Sleepy Talk

Hot Chicks, Life Lessons, World's Worst, love 3 Responses »

Aug 282009

“Huh? Whoa! What are you doing?”

“I’m, ummm. Let me just…”

“No, no, no! You’re sleeping. Get your hands off me.”

“C’mon, baby. You know I love you. Let me just kiss it one time.”

“You’re asleep. You don’t know what you’re doing. Go back to sleep.”

“I’m even not sleep. Let me just touch once. C’mon, baby. I’m love oo.”

“Everytime I say yes you either get half way through and collapse or you wake up half way through and yell at me. I can’t bear it.”

“You know you want sthis me. Juss gimme a kiss.”

“You won’t remember. I’m not doing this. I’m so tired!”

“I’m just gonna get some uh….this tasty. Mmmmm. C’mon now, I like to do it for you! Baby…please?”

“Well, if you’re not asleep, I guess, maybe, uhhh! Alright. But make it quick, I have to get up in…uhhh…four hours.”

“Put me in.”

“Goddamn it! You’re so flippin’ heavy!”

“Oh yeah. Do you like it hard? You make me so hard. Oh, yeah. This is so, so, so, so hot. You’re so pretty, too.”

“You’re not even in. Hold on, Jesus…there.”

“Oh yeah. Is that the spot? Oh yeah….huh? Wha?”

“Are you awake now?”

“What are you doing?! Ahhhhhh! What? Get off of me! Why am I all wet? Ahhh!

“This happens every time! What are you doing?”

“Why do you do this to me? It’s like you manipulate me in my sleep for your own pleasure! Why didn’t you just wake me, we could’ve done this consentually?”

“What are you talking about?! You woke me up! Are you even going to finish? WTF? I was so close.”

“I’m scared for my life! You’re sick!”

“I can’t believe this. Every time. What is wrong with you?”

“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep. I can’t believe this.”

“Yeah, you can’t believe this. I can’t even…uhh! You’re a fricking idiot.”

“I know you didn’t mean that. Goodnight. I love you.”

“Where’s my Rabbit?”

“Oh, baby, that’s hot. Let me juss touch it.”

World's Greatest Insult

Injury, Story, World's Worst No Responses »

Aug 132009

The reason for the lake is so you can drown yourself after you lose all of your money

The reason for the lake is to have a place you can drown yourself after you lose all of your money

I went to Lake Tahoe a few months ago for my buddy, Goldie’s, bachelor party. In addition to the sick ski resort and water sport activities that can be had at Tahoe, there is also legalized gaming. I’m not talking Monopoly or Galloping Pigs. I’m talking about the provocative, self degrading gambling games like keno and craps. These are the kind of games that you either win some or lose big. Of course, when I lose, which is always, I get pissed. “What a waste of money?!” I’ll say. Every time one of my friends tell me that they’re up for the trip or that they’re breaking even, I tense up. I’m pretty sure that winning or at least keeping money in a casino is impossible. Apparently, they’ve all read Mensa’s Guide To Gambling and had great success; something I’m still getting around to. Anyway, I ended up with my last $100 to piss away in one of six classy casinos and I sat down at a Black Jack table next to my other friend, Teddy. With a $10 minimum on the table, I knew that this would either make or break me. The dealer was a middle-aged woman and my perception of her was that she seemed friendly enough, that is, until she started taking my money. Now, usually, I can hang at the Black Jack table (it starts off well, I build a bank roll, then the money fades away, and I leave knowing I played a good long game). Not this time. The game gods were not on my side that night. I feel that if you approach a situation with a good attitude and good things to say, you will enjoy the process and even come out happy at the end. This was not the case. Like I said, I was pissed; down to my last hundo. Within a matter of minutes of sitting down, I played through 9 hands without a single push or win. $90 just like that. After some casual banter with the dealer about how poorly the game was going for me, I looked her in the face and with the most sincere disposition told her, “It’s not that I wish you were dead, it’s just that I wish your parents would have died before you were born.” You take $90, I steal your soul. The most Jewish act of my life. She asked me to leave the table. I wandered around some and played my last ten spot all the while contemplating what had come over me. Who knows? Frustration, maybe. Whatever it was I’m pretty sure I dished out the world’s greatest insult.

Hello world! Word as hell.

Life Lessons, Story, The Future, World's Worst 1 Response »

Jun 292009

What’s up folks? I am going to rock your faces off with a little fun. It’s not the little fun you have hanging out with your ugly family. No, this is the kinky, no-holds-barred kind of fun you get when you acid wash your own jeans. We’ve all done it. So what?! No big deal, really. It’s the kind of fun you have when you watch youtube reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos or when you eat a sandwich on chewy bread. Incremental units of fun is what you’ll have here. I encourage you to embrace the little fun that you are going to have and suck on it. Besides, the only way to truly embrace something you love is to put your mouth on it…ladies. Great then. I’ll see you inside.

Did you hear about the TP?

Life Lessons, Poop Related, Sales, Story, World's Worst 1 Response »

Jun 292009

Hartford, CT -

Representatives from several toilet paper manufacturing facilities reported late last week that due to a soaring demand in renewable resources, there have been shortages in trees. Tree species that are used to produce both hardwood floors and toilet paper have been over harvested completely wiping out supermarket toilet paper supplies.

Many consumers of TP are fuming due to the irritation and not-so-fresh-feeling that toilet paper relieves. Upon being asked about the situation, homemaker, Susan P. Heidges of Fairfield, CT replied, “It stinks. My derriere, I mean. I have tried timing BMs with daily showers, but I just don’t shower that much. I’m literally a mess right now.” Many others have similar sentiments and the public outcry is putting pressure on manufacturers to find substitutes.

Christina Walsh, a spokesperson for the lumber manufacturer, Timber Co., said Monday morning, “While we have always been responsible in replanting the trees we cut down, we never expected such a competitive market for our trees. Too many companies are gunning for the same resource and we have over sold to the highest bidder. We’ve learned a tough lesson and are now working quickly to find other sources to appease clients.” Hardwood flooring, framing companies, and Viking ship builders are all bidding high for Timber Co.’s trees.

While evergreens, savory hickory, and sweet mesquite woods have been used in place of the preferred, soft and comforting ash tree, no substitute has been found. Unable to fulfill demand, toilet paper manufacturers are urging wipers to be more conservative with their waste paper waste. Some helpful tips are to wipe only when necessary, stick gum to table undersides, blow noses into elbow crook, and avoid leaving bathrooms with toilet paper stuck to shoes. Above all, however, experts advise not using other products like printer paper or household pets as replacements as this may result in serious injury.

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