The game of ‘plus one’ is dangerous. Men think that a shaky relationship can only be saved in the bedroom. His mindset is that if he can get her to “Oh face” one more time, things’ll be saved. But that’s the tricky part. Women think outside the box spring. A woman would sacrifice somewhat on the lovemaking side if it meant a man would treat her right.

But, a man thinks the word threesome automatically assumes that the girl he’s been fantasizing about at work is going to magically accept his gracious offer to sleep with him and his girlfriend or wife. Wrong. A man’s best chance at attracting another woman to aid his failing relationship is probably going to begin and end with a hooker. Like picking a puppy from a pet store, this method will most certainly bankrupt your budget and leave many piss stains on your rugs. Once you bring your new friend, Cinnamon, home to meet the fam, I’m sure you’ll find that things have already gone awry.

I must say, that nothing makes a woman feel more special than a spin around the bed with some other chick driving. Psyche. Women hate that. A girl wants to feel like she’s the only one in the world. Sleeping with you and your wife doesn’t accomplish that goal. Sleeping with you and another girl doesn’t do it for your wife either. My advice: don’t do this, you can’t make the bonds of love stronger by adding another person; it will only strain things further.

For women, however, salvaging a union with a threesome takes on another meaning entirely. Similar to men, the conquest begins in the bedroom. When women think threesome, they think baby. As wonderful as a bundle of joy can be, this is disastrous. For women, a baby signifies a milestone in life and shows the world that they’re fertile and responsible. This is a strong message to send to the bitches from high school. For men, however, a baby means extra expense. The man must work harder and more often to provide for his partner and his newly fashioned love child. As a result, he fills all of his time working and seldom sees the family he fights so hard to preserve. My advice: don’t do this either. Once again, adding another person to a strained relationship will only hurt your chances of sanctity.

A threesome in a strained relationship, no matter how you describe it, is tricky. If you’re serious about an open relationship or having a baby, make sure that the lines of communication as well as the bonds that tie are solid. It’s not a tool for fixing or enhancing. Threesomes are meant for ruining lives. That’s why the only threesomes you know of are from the porno you watch. If you’re having difficulties with your relationship, talk it out. Touch and feel and listen. If that doesn’t work, cut your losses. Chances are there’s a couple of baby makers out there looking to mingle.

St. Patrick’s Day is quickly approaching. It’s one of those holidays that has special meaning for me and my wife. You see, it’s the “day of her people.” Part of her is Irish…her liver, I think. As a loving and supportive husband, it is my duty, neigh, my privilege to celebrate her heritage with eagerness and joy. Many great St. Patty’s Day parties and memories have been shared and forgotten.

There was the Great Green Gathering of ought seven. The neighbors called the cops because of all the car bombs. Plus, we had a dance party in the apartment until three in the mornin’.

And then there was the Green Machine. Enter Tyler “the Hate/Fuck” Davis, the proud owner of a 2004 green Buick. He parked it right on the bathroom wall and toilet seat of our college apartment. We had the Irish-Korean, Jon O’Leezy, to thank for that incident. He thought it’d be cute to serve Ty warm green beer ’til three in the mornin’. It was a grand old time.

This year is going to live up to the hype.  We’re going out, Irish style! (That means without potatoes).

For anyone who’s interested…this is a pre-invitation invitation for a St. Patrick’s Day Pub Crawl.

We’re doing a good old fashioned pub crawl around Lakewood, CO on Wednesday, March 17th. JDubs and I are going to call it Irish Golf or something cute and nonsensical like that. You gotta dress up. We’re going to hit up some local dives that are within walking distance from our old potato factory (that’s Irish-speak for ‘house’). If you’d like to participate, send me a comment or an email or a text or letter via Pony Express or just call. And, as always, if you’d like to hang out but don’t want to get caught up in some drinking and driving malarkey, you can always stay at our place for the night/weekend (standard rates apply)…did someone say dance party? Let’s get “jiggy”.

I just finished watching the movie, Lenny, starring Dustin Hoffman (i.e. the shorter fellow across Tom Cruise in Rainman) and the documentary, Lenny Bruce: Swear to Tell the Truth, narrated by Robert DeNiro (i.e. “You talking to me?”).  I was inclined to watch these films because recently I encountered Comedy Central’s list of the top 100 Comedians which ranked Lenny Bruce No. 3 among the all time greatest comics (behind Richard Pryor and George Carlin).  That’s pretty high atop any list as far as I’m concerned.  Even the Olympics awards a medal for third place.

I have to admit, however, that up until seeing that list, I’d never really heard of Lenny Bruce.  I say “never really heard of” because anytime someone mentioned Lenny Bruce, I always envisioned Andrew “Dice” Clay who also made the list at number 95.  After making the connection that this wasn’t the same person, I decided to investigate.

Clearly, Lenny Bruce did some great things to receive these accolades, but I had no idea what they were.  What I discovered is that Lenny Bruce is not perceived so much for being an uproariously hilarious comic as much as he’s recognized for blazing a trail for modern joke telling.  Bruce was a funny man but his fame came from the way he changed the face of comedy.

Before Lenny Bruce, most joke telling on stage had a formula to it.  There was a set up, a punch line and a laugh.  The audience wasn’t supposed to think about the joke they heard, they were just supposed to laugh on cue.  It’s an effective way to tell jokes and it’s an effective way to hear jokes.  However, it’s an ineffective way to stand out.

Bruce introduced a style of joke telling that made audiences think about what they were hearing.  His material was conversational and often ad libbed.  Consequently, his antics came across as vulgar and violated several obscenity laws.  Bruce’s suggestive humor rocked the foundations of certain institutions like the Catholic church.  His corrupt sermons led to several arrests.

Both films show Lenny Bruce fighting the judicial system for his right to free speech.  He became engrossed in this endeavor and invested so much time, energy and money that when the courts beat him, he ultimately gave up.  His reputation made it impossible for him to get work.  Battered and defeated, Bruce died from a drug overdose at age 40.

After Bruce’s demise, he was given the first posthumous pardon in New York state history.  No other comic has been indited on obscenity charges since.  Lenny Bruce was an advocate for First Amendment Rights.  Whether he was aware of it at the time or not, his efforts have allowed people an opportunity to express themselves in ways that couldn’t have been imagined in his time.  He created a new standard for what’s funny; he was a game changer.  I can’t think of another comic on Comedy Central’s list that has had the same impact on comedy as Lenny Bruce.  For that, he most certainly deserves his spot on the podium.

I must explain that the problem with dieting does not rest in the exercising.  I thoroughly enjoy the satisfaction of working out so hard that I sweat out my b-hole.  Diets don’t suck because of eating right, either.  I like salad (dressing).  The reason diets suck is based solely on the suggestion that a person should guzzle down 64-128 ounces of water each day.  I’ve incorporated this suggestion into my daily routine and have suffered.

If I had it my way, I would eliminate “watering down” from my regiment.  Here, then, are ten reasons why you shouldn’t drink more water:

10. Peeing out your butt hole when you’re not sick or dying is slightly disgusting

9.  Tinkling more than a dozen times a day is bad for your water bill

8. The large amount of urine you expel just adds to the production and bottling of more Coors Light

7. The more water you drink, the clearer you see that you should cut out the middle man and drink your own pee

6. Even horses get colic from ingesting too much water

5. When your doctor asks you to pee in a cup your hand gets wet from overflow

4. When you pee in the toilet your feet get wet from overflow

3. Your pea sized bladder fills up quicker than a ten dollar whore

2. Frequent trips to the bathroom have your employer wondering if you’re a illicit drug doer

-and, finally-

1. There’s not enough booze in this swill