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10 Reasons It Smells In Here

Apr 202010

Oh, don’t act like you don’t smell it. It smells like something’s burning or something.

Do you smell it? Of course you don’t.

What is that? Dead animal carcass soup? “Why does it smell?” you ask. Let me tell you. Here, then, are ten reasons it smells in here:

10. I haven’t washed my taint in three damned weeks

9. Your upper lip is leaking

8. There is a dead squirrel in the vent above the stove

7. The cat has given up bathing since I cut his tongue out (now who has your tongue, bitch!?)

6. I ate chips fried in Olean and now I am suffering from the insufferable anal leakage

5. You and I both just farted in such a way that the sound waves cancelled each other out making the fart inaudible yet doubling the size of the smell waves

4. Something fishy is going on with your vagina

3. Super-cala-fragilistic-expi-halitosis

2. “It always smells this way” (Greeley, CO tourism slogan, 2010)

-and, finally-

1. It’s this blog!

10 Reasons To Instigate A Fight

10 Reasons 1 Response »

Apr 072010

Way back when I was in college I went to one of the most crowded and fun parties that I’ve ever been to. I made my way through the drunk student body that was the living room into the kitchen. I discovered a fire extinguisher and decided to make things a little more interesting. After all, what would the most epic party be without a smoke machine? I set off the extinguisher in the kitchen and everybody panicked. Hundreds of people nervously struggled to get out of the house. Many people squished through the front and back doors while others dropped from windows.

For those of you who don’t know, the chemical composition of some fire extinguishers depletes air of oxygen, thus eliminating one of the essential elements of a burning fire. This suffocation effect also feels like tear gas. Because the party was so big and rowdy, people thought that the police had come to break it up.

As everybody vacated the house into the front lawn, I continued to spray the fire extinguisher. It wasn’t long before I was confronted by a small man (possibly Tom Green). He commanded me to cease and threatened to kick my ass if I didn’t. He began counting down from ten. At each number, I sprayed the extinguisher on his foot. I don’t remember what happened after he counted three. According to accounts of the incident, Tom Green’s friend clocked me in the head and I fell to the ground. I remember waking up shortly after amidst a brawl. Dozens of people piled up around me and grappled and fought for no other reason but to grapple and fight. I made it out with a scar and a point.

The point is that there are many things to avoid in your life but a fight is not one of them. Yes, this was one of the dumbest things I ever did, but it was exhilarating. There are stories still circulating about what exactly happened and it gets more interesting and funny with every anecdote. If I were you (and there is a strong chance that I am), I would highly suggest instigating a fight. Here, then, are 10 reasons why:

10. It will show everyone that you’re not gay (unless you instigate a slap fight, in which case, it means you’re really gay)

9. You can fight anything from a bully to a small animal to a mound of dirt

8. It proves that you, and not Tony Danza, are the boss

7. It enables you to collect odd scars not resulting from risky sexual behavior

6. Even mild concussions are more entertaining than any drug induced episode

5. You can take the skills you learn to prison when you’re arrested for assault

4. It’s the only accurate way of testing for hemophilia

3. You took three years of karate as a youngster and have yet prove yourself as a true yellow belt

2. It will boost your confidence…right in the face

-and, finally-

1. Fighting cures cancer

10 Reasons You Should Blog

10 Reasons, work 1 Response »

Feb 082010

100 blogs are like 100 mL of kitten in that people eat them up so quickly no one is really counting

This article ranks as my 100th blog post. Yippee! I’m excited in a fun kind of way. I never thought I could do anything more than once, but here I am sitting atop a mound of progress.

I’ve found that blogging is stimulating, relaxing and stressful all at the same time. While I try to maintain regularity in my posting schedule, I avoid posting filler material. I specifically design each article to stimulate and excite my readership (that’s right…you’re gonna get tickled!). If I feel a post is sub par or lacks creativity and humor, I won’t post it. ”Forget the schedule!” I scream through the flow of tears. I find that blogging is as fulfilling as any dream job or sex act. I encourage all interested parties to start blogging. Here, then, are 10 reasons that you should blog:

10. Bloggers do it for twelve hours a day. Now that’s Tantric!

9. It’s free and will only cost you your time and money.

8. You’ll make people feel better about themselves when you reveal your incompetence and insecurities.

7. It’s a great way to expel a lifetime of knitting knowledge without pissing off your last remaining friends.

6. There is more money to be made on the Internet than you could ever imagine…I’ve heard.

5. Blogging is guaranteed to make you a social media marketing expert over night and, also, I insist.

4. Blogging is a great way to look busy while avoiding real work.

3. Some people may or may not like you no better nor worse.

2. Fame and fortune will instantly greet you within your first five-thousand posts, give or take.

-and, finally-

1. If I can do it, surely, you can do it much better.

Thanks for reading along for all this time. I appreciate your feedback. I especially like hearing you express what you like and dislike. My wife and mother did not like a post I wrote that explained the timely process of shaving my genitals. Other people thank me for giving them a good laugh every so often. As nice as it is, I’d like to thank you again for entertaining yourself with these foolish antics. I plan to continue forever and always or until something better pops up. In case you’ve missed it, here is a short list of my favorite posts in no particular order…

Misleading Wikipedia Information Or “Duh” For Short

New Tattoo For You Plus Two A.K.A The Jackalope

Excalibur

My Life

A Letter To Mrs. Stransard

You Kissed Your Step-Brother’s Sister

If these or any other posts strike your fancy, tell your friends. Thanks for having me.

10 Reasons Not To Make Resolutions

10 Reasons, Life Lessons 8 Responses »

Jan 042010

If the New Year is going to cry the whole time, I don't want to participate.

At the beginning of every year, people decide to take a stab at making and sticking to resolutions. Starting a project on January 1st is one of the most inane and arbitrarily timed strategies to accomplishing goals. Most, if not all, resolutions are ridiculous and range anywhere from losing weight to selling more stuff on eBay. While the intent of a resolution seems worthy, it’s not. It’s dumb. Here are 10 reasons I suggest no one makes resolutions:

10. Why start something now, when you can start next year?

9. Losing weight is pointless when you’re not even as fat as you’ll ever be.

8. You love smoking. Why would you quit something you love? Especially, when you’re only three cartons away from your very own Marlboro coffin?

7. Working out tends to be a lot of work.

6. Enjoying life more is going to be impossible with your hectic schedule.

5. Don’t cut up your credit cards; Obama said the only way out of a financial crisis is to spend more.

4. You’ll stop procrastinating this afternoon.

3. The Chinese New Year is still two months away.

2. You couldn’t possibly kill any more of your snide neighbors. You exceeded the state’s limit last year.

-and, finally-

1. Whatever your goal, you’ll never be as far along as if you’d started a year ago.

10 Reasons I Should Get A Job

10 Reasons, Animal, Half-ass, Hate, Life Lessons, The Future, family, work 4 Responses »

Dec 112009

About three months ago, I decided that quitting my sh*tty job would be a good idea. Even though the action temporarily halted my night terrors and self-mutilation, it has led to a host of other problems. I have since been diagnosed and treated for depression and a disease simply known as the gay. These ailments have caused me a host of other problems that I could not have predicted. Tension is mounting between my wife and me as I sit at home all day. Despite my reluctance, there seems to be only one solution; I should get to f*cking work. Here, then, are 10 reasons that I should get a job:

10. A job provides an opportunity to have money, to give back to society, have a bigger purpose in life, meet new people and be mad at something other than my wife and the house cat

"I've been workforce ready since my conception"

9. There are no more dishes to clean and the floors are as swept as they’ll ever be

8. The fern I planted to provide me with a sense of fruitfulness and hope has died

7. Water cooler talk about Seinfeld reruns is turning me into a schizophrenic

6. I’ve been taking public buses just to see where their routes end

5. Investing money in my home business of cashing in on the Internet has amounted to numerous porn site subscriptions and dozens of pills that combat erectile dysfunction

4. My home office consists of a barcalounger, a box of colored pencils and a guitar I plan on learning

3. Anticipation of checking the mail keeps me up all night

2. Getting drinks “after work” starts at nine in the morning

-and, finally-

1. I spend more money than my wife makes

10 Reasons The Clitoris Is So Elusive

10 Reasons, Hot Chicks, World's Worst, work No Responses »

Dec 042009

There's no getting around 'it' because you don't know where 'it' is

I don’t know about you, but one of the most stimulating parts of intercourse is satisfying your partner. If you’re like me or any member of an all-girl softball team, then most of your sex is going to be with a woman. There is no greater reciprocation of mutual respect than offering a resounding “OH YES!!” to your woman/women.

From my experiences as a medical doctor and sexual predator, I can tell you that the orgasm you give to your lady comes from stimulation of her clitoris: a mysterious nub button within the confines of a human’s labia majora. However, even though I know it’s there, and she knows it’s there, and the camera man knows it there, the clitoris evades me sometimes.

A buddy of mine told me once about “eating out” with a friend one evening. What he thought was a nice serving turned into an audible “sigh” of discomfort from his lady friend. Apparently, the clam cake appetizer didn’t come to the table at all. That one sigh set the pace for the entire course. He said that he had his dessert alone in a corner with chocolate sauce for lube and a bus boy’s apron for clean up.

My friend’s (and his lady’s) misfortunes led me to ask the question: At the most crucial times, why is the clitoris so elusive? Here are 10 reasons I came up with to explain…

10. It was circumcised in an act of religious persecution (so sad )

9. Her mother is a turtle and it’s hiding

8. She’s in labor and you’re spreading her baby’s cleft lip

7. Her father is a groundhog and fears its own shadow (thanks, Sean)

6. The man in the little boat finally set sail

5. She’s a man with big hairy man parts

4. You’re poking around in the wrong hole

3. She’s wearing parachute pants

2. She’s an amputee from the neck down

-and, finally-

1. You can lick around until your tongue turns raw, but you have no idea what you’re looking for

10 Reasons You Should Learn The Guitar

10 Reasons, work 2 Responses »

Nov 242009

There comes a time in every person’s life when he is asked one question: Would you rather have sex with your boss once or learn to play the guitar?

The mental acrobatics required to answer this question are taxing. In either case, your answer will result in a lifetime of suffering.

Would you rather...

On the one hand, you’ll be haunted by the sight and feel of skin that’s riddled with moles and sores and scars. Skin so dense with in pubic hair, that when you’re forced to run your fingers through it, the noxious smells of trapped coffee and cigarette breath escape; burning itself into your olfactory. Don’t forget about the sour tasting fluids that will inevitably stain your clothes you refuse to remove resulting in another “Monica Lewinski” incident.

On the other hand, however, you’ll be required to spend a few countless hours toiling and practicing a useless skill.

The answer is yours to make. But in case you need a little persuasion, here are 10 reasons that you should learn the guitar:

10. Biting your finger nails for fear of sexually pleasuring your boss has callused your finger tips.

9. You already burned $1000 when you bought a guitar years ago.

8. You’ll have a legitimate reason for playing with your nuts, neck and sound hole.

7. You’ve always wanted to learn but never had a reason to waste that much time.

6. The Asian kid on youtube is almost as good as you should be.

5. There’s finally a skill you can share with your kids that doesn’t involve pot (even though it probably does).

4. There’s that one Moby song you’ve always wanted to learn.

3. You realized that your passion making birdhouses was the gayest hobby ever.

2. You’ll probably get famous. And rich.

-And, finally-

1. It won’t be necessary for you to screw your boss as a result of a stupid, yet valid, “would you rather” question.

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10 Reasons It Smells In Here

10 Reasons To Instigate A Fight

10 Reasons You Should Blog

10 Reasons Not To Make Resolutions

10 Reasons I Should Get A Job

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