Jersey Shore Is On

 World's Worst  2 Responses »
Feb 162010
 
MTV cast show reality tv

These guys give douche bags a bad name

I know it’s a little late to comment on the decay of America’s social fabric but I’m going to anyway.  I was tuning into some syndicated episodes of my favorite teeny-bopper television programming on a channel called MTV, when I noticed a show I hadn’t seen before.  It’s called “Jersey Shore”.

For those of you who don’t know (i.e. anyone over the age of 24), “Jersey Shore” showcases the lives of several twenty-something New Jerseyans or New Jerseyites or douche bags or whatever living in a beach house in New Jersey.  These kids are young and sexy and trendy and are always looking to score some tail or coke.  Their nicknames and dialects are as revolting and annoying as those of the characters in the movie, “Good Will Hunting”.

From what I can tell, the men on the show gather strength for sun tanning and misogyny by slamming down Jaeger Bombs in hot tubs and smoking menthol cigarettes.  The girls in the cast use the power of Bump-its, push-up bras and brash diction to get punched in the face.  Watching “Jersey Shore” is like watching a bunch of retards play together.  Everyone just makes up his own rules and throws a tantrum whenever he’s expected to share.

Their days are spent wandering around looking for sex and whining about how difficult their lives are.  So far as I can tell, it reflects the general attitude of young Americans.  The people in the cast are egocentric and insist that the world owes them something for nothing.  No work and all play is the Jersey Shore way of life.  The characters show a complete disregard for personal responsibility.  It saddens me to think that this is what we view as normal behavior.

Regardless, “Jersey Shore” is a great show.  I can’t turn away when these freaks get to jabber-jawing.  From what I’ve heard, a lot of people like it, too.  MTV has decided to bring the cast back for a second season.  I guess we’ll just have to wait for another sultry New Jerseyan summer and “Grease” sequel before we can get another taste of this delectable dish.

 Posted by at 5:56 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , ,

Hand Puppets

 Life Lessons, Story  No Responses »
Oct 272009
 

Bert and Ernie, Sesame Street

He's only smiling because he wants to take your hand to a sick place. He's sick.

If there’s anything that I need to tell you it’s this: hand puppets are a disease.  Not only do they scare the bejesus out of little kids and animals, they are gross.  From the cheery sentiments of Mr. Roger’s, Daniel Tiger, to South Park’s, Mr. Hat, hand puppets are a sick attraction.  Who wants to watch as a grown man or woman grotesquely shoves his or her hand or hands into the inner workings of the representation of a cute animal?  Not me; I’d rather just have the real animal.  In Lamb Chop’s case, I want to eat lamb; not watch Sherry Lewis stick her filthy mitts all up in it.

 

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I explain my angst, for it is a story in which I know all too well.  This story is one of a small, 20-year-old boy who is curious about his body and eager to explore.  He unknowingly took his pleasurable show-and-tell outdoors.  His exploits were deemed deceitful and gross in the public’s eye.  He became known as a masturbation artist, a shank scraper, a pee-board artist or dick wrestler, a ding donger, a jerk-off, a cock-a-rub-a-do, and a stay-at-home dad.  He was terrorized by the ridicule.  He escaped to his home.  In a purge of suppressed memories, he remembered a time when, during his parents divorce, he was asked by his therapist to role play with hand puppets.  These furry representations of his parents relived all of the pain he had wished to dismiss from his parents tumultuous relationship.   The boy, now older, was distraught that his penis had become his makeshift hand puppet.  Bereft of hope, he was only barely able to finish masturbating with his tears.

Hand puppets account for over six percent of hand accessories in the US and its crooked North American cousin, Canada.  Hand puppets are half as cute and twice as deadly as hand puppies.  Users beware: hand puppets are awful things.  They are dreadful and weird.  Please heed caution in your future encounters with these monsters or else you, yes you, might end up alone in your house masturbating.

 Posted by at 3:35 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Flower Power

 Life Lessons, Story, The Future, work  No Responses »
Aug 192009
 

I am as liberal as Adolf Hitler was gay…flamingly.  You want abortions, take two.  You want affordable heath care, have some.  Taxes?  I love taxes.  I’ll pay yours.  That’s how frickin’ left I am.  You might be reading this thinking, “this assh*le is a borscht loving, Stalin sucking, rabbit eating Communist!”  Thank you for thinking that, but no.  It’s simply outrageous!  Truthfully, I’m only borderline Communist.  And actually, I’m moving away from that.  I’m growing up.  I’m becoming a small, bearded man.  You see, my understanding of true communism is that, as a member of the party, each person works as he pleases and is compensated according to his needs.  It’s like skirting through life doing your hobbies.  “Hey kid!  You’re really good at video games and rippin bingers from your bonger.  Here have a boiled goat’s head and a bag of KGB Branded Funyuns.  And kid…keep up the good work!”  Truly amazing.  The thing is, though, it’s not that amazing you crazy dreamer.  You might be saying to yourself, “That would be pretty cool.  But, gee whiz.  Something that awesome couldn’t ever happen in my America.”  Bullsh*t.  That stuff happens everyday in your America.  And that’s why I’m not Communist.  Not only could I sit around playing video games while dabbling in my other “hobbies”, in America, I can get paid to do it.  Paid to do what you love?  America, f*ck yeah!  America is a land of opportunity.  Golden, plentiful, tig ol’ bitty opportunity!  Yeah, you may have to work hard and play politics and beat out competition to reach your pie in the sky, boiled goat’s head dreams.  But you can do it.  And with an understanding of marketing and merchandising, you could be living big just by doing what you love.  Just remember to pay your taxes when you start making your buko bucks  and maybe, just maybe, pick up one of those BOGO abortions for yourself.  After all, you earned it.

 Posted by at 12:55 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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