Yeah, I shard. So what? If you ask me, it smells like most everyone else does, too. Have you ever been on a bus? This isn’t about that. This is a story. And it begins now….The last time I really crapped my pants, I was about 5 years old. It was just after lunch on a sunny summer afternoon. I finished a bowl of grape nuts and an apple. At that point, I had just recently become a graduate of Pull-Ups for Young Adults Diapers. I was proud then. It wasn’t much before that day that I had become mature enough to don a freshly minted pair of Mighty Mouse underoos. They were equipped with a fancy flap that, given the right circumstances of jarring and bouncing, could expose my dinger to a slew of people. I thought I was becoming a man, a feeling that I wouldn’t realize again until late into my twenties.
My neighborhood was filled with all sorts of kids around my age. During the summer we would play baseball in the defunkity cul-de-sac in front of my house. There were usually enough kids on the block to get a full field of fielders and a batter or two. We never needed outfielders. Not only were all the kids too weak and gay to power the ball into any kind of outer field, but where the outfield existed, stood a house. Like I said, it was a defunkity sac. We played a version of homerun derby that may have been cooked up in a South American guerilla camp. There was a lot of running and yelling and kidnapping, but never any fun. Actually, it was a lot of fun. Later on in my youth, I would become an incredible slugger; able to rock a tennis ball with a rake handle across the sac and over the neighbor’s house on any day of the week.
At the bright eyed age of five, filled with fiber and milk, I stumbled out of my house to find a gathering of minors and their colleagues. They had organized a game that we all knew well. We got on to playing. As the game started, I began to notice some of the early warning signs inside my body of a poop trying to make its escape out of my anus. I had a terrible case of the bubble guts and mud butt. Upset stomach paired with a sweaty ass. It was coming on slow but steady. I knew that I would soon need to make use of the latrine nearly 50 yards away.
So, like most people do, I weighed my options. I either had to stop having fun and sit inside for 10 minutes while I made good on the toilet or I’d continue to have fun and not worry about the consequences. Well the grumbling continued and I felt terrible until I was called up to bat. It’s like you can kick a kid in the face and insult him until he cries but the minute you give him a piece of candy, everything is all right. For the moment, everything seemed to be gravy. I said to myself, “just one quick swing of the bat and a trot around the bases and I would be on my way. After all, the bathroom was just beyond home plate.”
I got up to bat ready to crush the perfect pitch. So, I sat on a pitch. And another. And another. And as I waited for which pitch I wanted to rock into tomorrow, I began to realize that I was not going to make it that far. The pitch came and I took a cut. It was at that point my procrastination caught up with me. Working in perfect unison, my gut and butt squeezed and pushed. The bat went flying and I ran towards the house only to feel a bread size loaf fill my pants. As I jogged, holding my ass, I felt what seemed to be a warm, freshly baked muffin trickle out of my shorts and down my leg onto the concrete. I did it. I crapped my pants. And the driveway, too, apparently.
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