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Tookie vs. Tippi

Jan 062010

There’s a new sheriff in town. She’s a kitten named Tippi (temporarily). That’s right. We got another cat. JDub’s aunt and uncle were driving along the treacherous back roads of gritty Colorado Springs and heard meowing. There was Tippi, trapped under the hood.

As the story goes, they think Tippi had a brother. Apparently, in addition to Tippi, there were several other cat parts including a kitten penis and balls. It’s sad, but I never had the chance to know him, so I don’t feel all that bad unless I think about it.

So, JDubs and I adopted a new pet. She’s black and white and runs all over.She’s playful and adds a little more life to the house. There’s just one problem. In all her antics and misbehavin’, she tends to take what she wants and keep what she kills. Tookie, our preexisting feline friend, hates Tippi.

Tookie’s not good at sharing. He always has her backed into a corner so he can pee in her food dish. Tookie has turned from a lovable old scalawag into a bitter old coot. Because of his bad attitude, we started calling him Grandpa. My God, does he hate that. He gets extra bitey when he hears “Get Tippi’s head out of your mouth, Grandpa!”

It’s been two weeks since our acquisition and, hopefully, Tookie’s cat-titude turns around soon. Otherwise, we might have to get rid of Tippi the same as her brother by turning her into car parts. Let’s hope not.

Tookie is not happy

Tippi is an African name. It means "short for tall cat"

Hot Shot Cat

Animal, family, Tookie 4 Responses »

Dec 092009

Hotter than a fat chick at a holiday sweater party. Yee Haw!

From Cat Photos

Tookie is my cat. When it gets cold outside (subzero temps and other temperatures ), Tookie hides in the warmest part of the house. Normally, he lays on our guest bed underneath a heat register that rains warmth upon him when the furnace kicks on. That rarely happens.

Because I’m out of work and JDubs and I don’t like wasting money on energy, the furnace is set at a cool 62 degrees F. That invariably means that our house is f-f-f-freezing. I can get by with an extra layer or ten. But even with a thicket of cat fur and a big F.U.P.A., the cat can’t get warm. He is cool to the touch even when balled up in his spot under the heat.

Every once in a while, I’ll cave. ”It’s too cold,” I’ll say. Instead of turning up the furnace, however, I’ll turn on a little space heater that JDubs bought. She got it at an after winter sales event at Target (we’re talking 90% off this heater…what a Jewy kind of deal!). The money saved on the device warrants splurging on electricity. So, that’s what I do.

All of a sudden Tookie has a new favorite spot…where ever the space heater is. It’s really hot but he curls up in front of it anyway. Here’s a video to show how comfortable he is:

Sorry for the sideways filming, porno-style handy cam work and the water mark…I’m only pretty good at this stuff, not really good.

The Cat Threw Up

Animal, Poop Related No Responses »

Nov 232009

I can't believe he unate the whole thing.

We’re all so proud of our offspring when they accomplish something monumental. For some, it’s graduating from college or narrowly escaping an arrest for public indecentcy. For me, however, monumental is measured in bodily discharges and today I am brimming over my cat’s vomitty achievement.

I admit that some of my most shining moments come at the bombastic release of gas from my body. I’m even more proud when the gas turns solid in a process called sh*tting my pants. The sight of a giant, ghastly poop will cheer me up any day of the week.

But when I look down and see with thine own two eye parts what my cat, Tookie, has done today, I shed a tear of pride. Today Tookie puked a heaping helping of cat guts and it was huge. It was chocked full of Friskies, dead mice bones and his favorite treats, Whisker Lickens. This kid has talent and I’m proud to say he’s mine. Good work, cat.

10 Reasons I Get Up In The Morning

10 Reasons, Animal, Hate, Tookie 2 Responses »

Oct 222009

: “Chop wood naked”

There is seldom a time when I just pop out of bed. The anticipation that most days will undoubtedly drag on with mindless chores and endless Charles In Charge reruns justifies at least a half dozen strikes of the snooze button. Some days, however, have potential to be the best damn days I’ve ever seen. When I was a kid, for example, I don’t think I was able to sleep a wink the night before Christmas and I’m a big, fat Jew. I just love something about those elves…I think it’s what landed me on the federal child sex offender list (talk about a reason to get up…all those little minors). Here is a list of ten other reasons that give me a rise in the morning:

10. Breakfast…Yeah, breakfast has it all and it’s absolutely worth getting up for. Not only is it the most important meal of the day, it’s the meal that keeps on giving. Typical breakfast fare (cereal, eggs, bacon, pizza, milk shakes) account for over ninety-two percent of my daily calorie intake. The other eight percent…cat food sandwiches.

9. Cat’s Hungry…Tookie’s my cat and he get’s hungry for breakfast, too. Unfortunately, in the animal kingdom there aren’t nice little cravings to remind you that you’re hungry. What Tookie has are urges (usually for flesh). He keeps what he kills, and today it’s Friskie’s. Some days I just wish he’d learn to sharpen his claws opening cans of cat food instead of my face. He’s a real cutie.

8. Internet Porn…It’s free of charge and as viscous as milk. Internet porn (or pornography for art) changes so often, if you see the same video twice in your lifetime, well sir, that’s amazing. The other thing that gets me jazzed before I get jizzed is that you never know when you’ll be hit with the urge to splurge. It’s usually when I’m at the mall or a day care. Thank God for the 3G network.

7. Court Date…(see above) Sucks. Don’t even get me started on the parole hearings…who the hell is up before 10 in the A.M? Lawyers, that’s what.

6. Vacation…It’s worth getting out of bed in tropical paradise when the hotel room is hotter than a jungle and it’s as humid as the ocean. Nothing says “seize the day and explore the world” like swatting at mosquitoes the size of small owls in your room.

5. Bachelor Party…Get up? I never went to bed. Besides, I can’t trust a bunch of dudes that get drunk, strip down to their dicks and ass, endlessly chant “chop wood naked”, and dance around an open fire pit. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

4. Halloween…It’s like a modern-day Christmas. Free candy…check. Ghosts and ghouls…check. Slutty girls dressed in nothing…check and check. Halloween Eve (or Hallow’s Eve Eve as the Christ lovers exult) is like waiting for your son to be born…so you can finally touch him (see above).

3. Election Day…It’s the only day I know of that I get to choose which minority I sympathize with the most without giving money, the blacks or the retards.

2. Beer…If I know I’m going to be drinking at any point during the day, you can bet your sweet, fat ass I’m waking up. Put it in my coffee!

-And Finally-

1. Work…I f*cking hate work. I f*cking hate it!

Cats And Technology

Animal, Driving Car, Hate, Injury, Life Lessons No Responses »

Aug 312009

Cats can learn about technology, but can you teach them?

Cats can learn about technology, but do you know what it takes to teach them?

Hey there Albert Ninestein! Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. So you wanna teach your cat about technology, do ya’? Good luck. I don’t think you have the capacity or the interpersonal skills to manipulate scientific information well enough for a cat to understand. However, if you think that you can teach a cat, there is a way.

You’ll need to follow closely if you’re going to teach your cat anything. First, you have to get a cat. Got one? Six. Wow. That’s a lot. Well, pick one and get the others some tuna, they’re gonna wanna watch this. Next, take the lucky winner and sit him down in an inexpensive, steel-framed computer chair.

You might use duct tape to keep his paws strapped down and his eye lids peeled open (don’t worry, cats can’t feel and he’s really gonna wanna see this). Once the monster is firmly locked down, grab a burlap sack and quickly slip it over the chair. Hurry, there isn’t much time. Flip the chair upside down and pull the bag as far up as you can.

Get ready to close the bag, but before you do, round up the other five tuna lovers and throw them in the bag too. Tie off the end using a twine rope. Next, throw the cat sack in the trunk of your car. Make sure that you throw it hard enough to silence any terrified meowers; you don’t want to have to answer any silly questions about the “cat noises coming from your trunk” should you happen to get pulled over.

Don’t worry too much if you didn’t quiet them all on the first throw, the exhaust fumes that go into the trunk when you drive off should put those little buggers out in a heartbeat. Now, drive. Find a secluded spot in a forest where a river runs deep. Remove the cats from the trunk and shake the bag.

Wake them up. Are they riled? Good. Now, toss the whole sack into the river. The chair will help sink the bag as the cats try to claw their way out. There. That oughta teach ’em.

Go hear the audio for this blog at The Boy’s Club for Men.

Dead Rabbits

Animal, Ball Sport, family, Food, Injury, Life Lessons, Story, Tookie 2 Responses »

Aug 252009

Tookie is my cat and we live on the third story of a condominium building. He is extraordinary in every way. He is cute and fun like a small human. He bites hard and sleeps well. Even the way his huge craps stink is immaculate. Unfortunately for him, he is an outdoor cat trapped inside a indoor cat’s house. Sometimes, however, he is allowed out when I leave the house and the neighbors are gone. And this is where one of his best features kicks in. In order to get back into the condo after I let him outside, he doesn’t just wait at the front door making a scene for no one to hear like all the other idiot cats out there. No, he’s better than that. Using pure prowess and power, grace and skill, he scales the back side of our building with his cat-like claws and incredible strength. He jumps on our back porch and comes in through a dog door I paid for with my mother’s retirement money. This morning, I let Tookie outside a little earlier than usual so that he could exercise his handsome feline features. Which he did.

Tookie sometimes reminds me just how close to nature we actually live. We are a mere 20 yards from open space and, because of this Tookie and I have an agreement: He may only take memories and leave only footprints. Today he violated that agreement. He caught, maimed, killed, carried up the building, sat down on my kitchen floor with, and devoured the head of a baby rabbit (otherwise known as a cutie or a babbit). It’s pretty incredible what my cat is capable of. It’s even more incredible how much he can just kill an innocent creature with no remorse only minutes after I fed him. But I’m not even mad; I’m actually a little proud. Look what he can do! Commit murder? The thing is I just don’t want to clean up his pukes. Maybe if I leave it, my lover, JDubs, will clean it up with a trash sack and spare me the trouble.

Tookie eats rabbits like a man juggles; with balls

A Letter To Mrs. Stransard

work 3 Responses »

Jul 302009

Mrs. Stransard is my boss at work. Since I started working with her, our working relationship has really slipped. At first she seemed quirky and fun but now I feel threatened. I want to express my frustration with her but doing so would probably get me fired. I need this job. Here is a letter that I’ve written to her (somewhat annonymously, she doesn’t “get” technology):

Dear Mrs. Stransard,

Since my employment began nearly a year ago, I have noticed that our work relationship has gradually become uneasy and tense. I know that your mandatory attendance at corporate “meetings” is merely an excuse to frequent the head shop across the street. I didn’t realize that pipe shops were also typical hang outs for dead beat sex addicts. I have seen you go in there and come out with multiple men. The lack of communication in the office is probably due to all of the cocks shoved in your mouth throughout the day. What’s worse is that your time out of the office is the most productive time of my day.

In addition to being very distracting, I feel that your personal choices during working hours are having detrimental effects on morale in the office. Your attempts at correcting morale problems are often shot when you parade around the office half naked and drunk. Two times is way too many. The last thing I want to see at work is a 63 year old set of sagging breasts and ass cheeks painted up in clown make up. No matter what clever and colorful artistry you apply, your nipples and cesarean scars will always show how sad you really are.

I find it exceedingly difficult to complete work when you insist on playing your made up game “Stinkin’ Kitty Cat” where you lower your pants/lift your skirt, spread your bare ass, and sit on my computer mouse. Your game is spoiled more (as if it were possible) when you stand up and walk away with the mouse cord still attached to you and my computer. The suction sound that the mouse makes when it reaches the end of its tether as it pops out is one of the most unsettling noises I’ve ever heard; especially when you did it that day you were particularly sweaty.

It frightens me when you make balloon animals out of the condoms you find outside. The glue inside of them is not there to preserve the inflation…that’s clearly ejaculate. I know you know. It angers me because you don’t trust my judgment. As well you shouldn’t. I have made a poor choice by continuing to further my career here. Aside from your lack of respect for other people, I like this company and have tried to notify HR of your behavior several times. I don’t know what kind of fur you’re pulling over their eyes but they have denied any wrong doing in every instance. Unfortunately, my requests to transfer have been denied. Upon this news, I would like for you to comply with several requests otherwise I will have you arrested for indecency:

Don’t touch me EVER

Do not call me EVER

Please do not ask me to smell your cell phone or work phone

Please do not invite me to lunch at any motels

Do not leave your pubic hair clippings on the toilet in the men’s bathroom (I know their yours because you sent out a memo)

Do not sneak up behind me and rest your breasts on my head when I am at my work station

Do not put your hand on my chair thumb up when I sit down next to you

Wear deodorant

Leave me alone

You have announced several times that you are an excellent boss, but the fact is you’re not. You are a terrible manager and an even worse person. Please leave me alone and we might get along just fine.

Thank you in advance,

Wolsamnoraa

10 Reasons I Like Tookie

10 Reasons, Animal, Tookie 2 Responses »

Jul 302009

He even licks his own butt hole if he's feeling unfresh

He licks his butt hole when he's soiled

These are the most of main reasons I like my cat, Tookie:

10. He is as charming as his teeth and claws are sharp (extremely)

9. When we adopted him he came with a pre-paid calling card

8. He will often times vomit up figure 8 patterns of the lunch meats he begs for

7. He parades around on clean counter-tops immediately after using his litter box

6. His idea of a nice gift is something freshly disemboweled and still living

5. If it weren’t for the lid on his litter box, he would sit on the edge of the box and sh&t on the floor

4. He can scale buildings and properly uses a doggie door

3. He helps break in new furniture by shredding, shedding, and throwing up on it

2. His favorite game is cut throat

and finally…

1. He drinks from the toilet no matter what’s in it

A Little Secret About Tookie

Animal, family, Hate, Tookie 2 Responses »

Jul 132009

The blood in his heart was taken from another living creature

I have a cat which is a fact that I have mentioned before. He has aptly been nicknamed Tookie (and sometimes Tookus) after the late (sometimes great) founder and leader of the Hebrew Crips, Tookie Williams. My Tookie has the personality of a wolf and the lips of a gator. Tookie is a pack creature and loves to sharpen his teeth. He’s not your everyday house cat. He’d just as soon tear you limb from limb as he would buy you a greeting card with his feelings written neatly in feline calligraphy (a dying art form). He’s a complicated mess and it’s tempting to pet him, but don’t. You’ll get hurt and you might possibly fall in love.

I have also mentioned one of the neighbors that I live near. She dons a large ass and walks an old fat dog. The dog, a war torn golden retriever named Daisy, is an ok dog because she never talks. My neighbor on the other hand, won’t shut up. Her life seems to be a teetering balance of treats and gossip. She bought/adopted Daisy immediately (like 2 days) after her other, aging retriever died. She’s always calls the dog quirky names like ol’ fart, goof butt, and, my personal favorite, Chelsea (it was her old dog’s name, she blurted it out once by mistake). Needless to say, they’re quite the pair; always breathing heavily and gnoshing snacks.

Well, the cat sees the dog coming to and from the apartment daily as the gastropod neighbor and Daisy waddle by my front door to use the stairs. Being the intellectual, prison-mentality cat that he is, Tookie stares Daisy down through our screen door every day looking smug and contrite as if to say, “I am going to claw your heart out you dirty old mutt.” Sometimes Daisy ignores it. Sometimes Daisy barks. But one of these days, whether Daisy reacts or not, Tookus is going to tear ass through that screen door, open up that old dog with his claws, and chomp down on her tired soul. And I imagine that no sooner will that day come than my neighbor will have bought a new/used retriever to mistakenly name goof butt.

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Wolsamnoraa's Blog

Tookie vs. Tippi

Hot Shot Cat

10 Reasons I Get Up In The Morning

Cats And Technology

Dead Rabbits

A Letter To Mrs. Stransard

10 Reasons I Like Tookie

A Little Secret About Tookie

What Day Is It?

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