10 Reasons I'm Soooo Tired

 10 Reasons  2 Responses »
Aug 262009
 

Do you ever struggle to wake up and it stays with you all day?  Well, that’s me…everyday.  It may be due to a lack of sleep but I have a sneaking suspicion I’m tired for some of these reasons:

10. I’m kept up all night by the sound of the cat noshing bunny skulls.

9. The monster under my bed wants spare change and keeps rattling a can of nickels.

8. My wet dreams smell like curdled milk.

7. The wad of toilet paper that maximizes sweat and smell absorption stuffed between my butt cheeks is all itchy (it’s been referred to as a “manpon”).

6. Instead of dinner, I did some meth and drank a Camel Pak of Mountain Dew.

5. I am fraught with woes about the economy of my ant farm.  There just isn’t enough sugar water to go around.

4. My body is trying to work off the calories I consumed from eating all of these spiders that were looking for a warm place to die.

3. Peeing in the pool makes it warmer.  Peeing in the bed makes it wet.

2. My boogers are so dense and gooey that I can hardly breathe when I eat them.

-And Finally-

1. I am kept awake by loud farts…my loud farts.

 

Did I miss something?  Tell me some of the things that keep you awake.

 Posted by at 11:21 am  Tagged with: , , , , , , , , ,

Dead Rabbits

 Animal, Ball Sport, family, Food, Injury, Life Lessons, Story, Tookie  2 Responses »
Aug 252009
 

Tookie is my cat and we live on the third story of a condominium building.  He is extraordinary in every way.  He is cute and fun like a small human.  He bites hard and sleeps well.  Even the way his huge craps stink is immaculate.  Unfortunately for him, he is an outdoor cat trapped inside a indoor cat’s house.  Sometimes, however, he is allowed out when I leave the house and the neighbors are gone.  And this is where one of his best features kicks in.  In order to get back into the condo after I let him outside, he doesn’t just wait at the front door making a scene for no one to hear like all the other idiot cats out there.  No, he’s better than that.  Using pure prowess and power, grace and skill, he scales the back side of our building with his cat-like claws and incredible strength.  He jumps on our back porch and comes in through a dog door I paid for with my mother’s retirement money.  This morning, I let Tookie outside a little earlier than usual so that he could exercise his handsome feline features.  Which he did.

Tookie sometimes reminds me just how close to nature we actually live.  We are a mere 20 yards from open space and, because of this Tookie and I have an agreement:  He may only take memories and leave only footprints.  Today he violated that agreement.  He caught, maimed, killed, carried up the building, sat down on my kitchen floor with, and devoured the head of a baby rabbit (otherwise known as a cutie or a babbit).  It’s pretty incredible what my cat is capable of.  It’s even more incredible how much he can just kill an innocent creature with no remorse only minutes after I fed him.  But I’m not even mad; I’m actually a little proud.  Look what he can do!  Commit murder?  The thing is I just don’t want to clean up his pukes.  Maybe if I leave it, my lover, JDubs, will clean it up with a trash sack and spare me the trouble.

Tookie eats like a man

Tookie eats rabbits like a man juggles; with balls

 Posted by at 10:57 am  Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Lazy Is As Lazy Does Not

 Half-ass  No Responses »
Jul 152009
 
One of the best movies Ive seen twice

One of the best movies I've seen twice

Most people correlate half-assed behavior with laziness.  These people couldn’t be more wrong and, not to mention, insensitive.  I may or may not be making this up, but laziness is inaction derived from a lack of motivation.  You’re a lazy-ass when you have stuff to do and you don’t do it.  It’s like not calling your mother when she’s on her death bed to ask forgiveness for being such an awful person.  There’s no greater goal you want to accomplish in this scenario.  It’s an obligation you choose not to fulfill for no other reason than you’re a lazy idiot.

Action derived from motivation to do something else is what half-assing is about.  You’re a half-ass when you’re doing it, but you’re just doing it like a schmuck.  See that’s the half part;  you made an attempt…you schmuck.  You’re half-assing it when you mopped the kitchen floor with your socks and Dr. Pepper instead of a mop and Pine Sol because you don’t want to miss a minute of Men In Black on TBS.  You gave it the old “college try” which is less than was asked of you.  (BTW – Will Smith is good; have you seen Hitch?  See it, I’m thinking you’ll love it.)

There is an additional qualification to be made here.  When a half-assed mentality is mixed with procrastination, laziness is borne.  To count as half-assed, you have to have attempted to perform the activity even if that means just showing up and throwing a conniption fit.   You’ll be tempted many times not to fulfill an obligation before moving directly to one of the pleasurable activities that you prefer doing.  That’s fine.  But know this:  Eventually, you will need to fulfill that obligation and when the time comes, you’d better man up and at least pretend you did something.  Otherwise, you stand being labeled a good-for-nothing lazy-ass (worse than death).  Wasting as little of your precious time as possible with the sh*tty crap is the mark of a true half-asser.  That’s all I’m saying.

 Posted by at 1:33 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Trendy Trash Talkers Use Drugs

 Driving Car, Hate, Hot Chicks, Story  No Responses »
Jun 302009
 

I was driving home the other night from The Hangover with my lovely wifey pooh when the car I was driving was nearly cut off by some radical dudes with tassels on their rear view.  Now, my initial reaction was that I was going to knife these bitches if they started any sh&t, but that feeling eventually escalated (that’s right, more higher).

The inconsiderate punks flipped a sick bitch (it was a power move) and hauled some serious balls right up next to my ride.  You’ll have to understand here, when I mentioned at the beginning of this story that “I was driving“, what I meant was J Dubs, my lover, was driving.

Not only is she a better driver than me at night (I don’t have glasses), she has a hot rack, and I was drunk, but she didn’t know that.  It made sense she drove.

Anyway, these jerk terds, all jostled and riled because they almost hit me, came screaming up next to my ride.  These dudes were crazied in the faces and loud.  The driver’s all, ”Ah, foo! We’se gonna f*ck you up and take your sense of self worth!  You drive negligently!  I’m gonna get a pistole and choo choo.  Even with our limited knowledge of the world and lack of maturity, we graduated foo (from what, he didn’t say).  See my tassel?!”

At that point, I’m livid.  My buzz was wearing off and the light we were sitting at just turned green.  The little hand was already blinking in the cross walk.  I took off my seat belt and reached out of my car, grabbing for nothing but thin air (these dudes were like 8 feet away).  I started screaming obscenities and snarling.  I talked and spit.  I closed my eyes really tight giving the impression that I wasn’t able to see dog sh()t when it was in it’s mom’s station wagon (ba zing!).

Meaningless dribble and insults followed.  And finally I yelled, “You druggers!”  We drove away.  They drove away to buy drugs.  My lovin and loin muscles were throbbing from anxiety and excitement.  I lip kissed the girl and we went home.

 Posted by at 4:23 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Did you hear about the TP?

 Life Lessons, Poop Related, Sales, Story, World's Worst  1 Response »
Jun 292009
 

Hartford, CT -

Representatives from several toilet paper manufacturing facilities reported late last week that due to a soaring demand in renewable resources, there have been shortages in trees.  Tree species that are used to produce both hardwood floors and toilet paper have been over harvested completely wiping out supermarket toilet paper supplies.

Many consumers of TP are fuming due to the irritation and not-so-fresh-feeling that toilet paper relieves.  Upon being asked about the situation, homemaker, Susan P. Heidges of Fairfield, CT replied, “It stinks.  My derriere, I mean.  I have tried timing BMs with daily showers, but I just don’t shower that much.  I’m literally a mess right now.”  Many others have similar sentiments and the public outcry is putting pressure on manufacturers to find substitutes.

Christina Walsh, a spokesperson for the lumber manufacturer, Timber Co., said Monday morning, “While we have always been responsible in replanting the trees we cut down, we never expected such a competitive market for our trees.  Too many companies are gunning for the same resource and we have over sold to the highest bidder.  We’ve learned a tough lesson and are now working quickly to find other sources to appease clients.”  Hardwood flooring, framing companies, and Viking ship builders are all bidding high for Timber Co.’s trees.

While evergreens, savory hickory, and sweet mesquite woods have been used in place of the preferred, soft and comforting ash tree, no substitute has been found.  Unable to fulfill demand, toilet paper manufacturers are urging wipers to be more conservative with their waste paper waste.  Some helpful tips are to wipe only when necessary, stick gum to table undersides, blow noses into elbow crook, and avoid leaving bathrooms with toilet paper stuck to shoes.  Above all, however, experts advise not using other products like printer paper or household pets as replacements as this may result in serious injury.

 Posted by at 3:48 pm  Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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