Wolsamnoraa's Blog

Pooping with the buddy system is classy

We all poop.  I think there’s a book about it.  I poop as well.  Wanted to get that out there.  Just like everything else, there are style points for pooping.  You can be good at it like Justin Timberlake (his smell like campfire and summertime rain), or you can be bad at it like Ricki Lake (she wipes with kittens).  Something that I hadn’t really considered until college is that there is a right and wrong way to drop a deuce and it goes way beyond the act of pooping; Do you read in there?  How long does it take you?  Do you leave marks in the bowl?  How do you wipe?  These are all very important, albeit, stupid questions that we have to ask so that we can judge other people.  Why do you think people are afraid to crap in public toilets?  That’s right…I’m standing just beyond the door of your stall judging you with a tape recorder, pen and paper for notes, Doritos, and a smirk…You’re doing it wrong and it smells awful.  For the love of God!  What did you eat?  Cotton candy ice cream and chimpanzee diapers?  Yeah, the zoo is fun, but dude…ech.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that any one way of pooping is better than another because they’re all terrible.  What is ultimately important is that you maintain good energy and poop with style and a good focus.  Here are a few tricks (along with anecdotes telling their origins) that I’ve picked up along the way that will make your friends think you’re a stylin slick sh*tter and king of the throne.

It’s about the wipe:

See, throughout my younger days, I had wiping problems.  My game was an incomplete and ineffective methodology that I must have been born with because my mother, even to this day, has no idea where I learned that technique.  The ridiculous wiping campaign my parents put me through to fix the mess was embarrassing and complicated.  If you can imagine the Charmin commercial with the bears in the woods cleaning out their fur traps and the screen cuts to a picture of a piece of damp toilet paper dragging a brick, then you can understand the damage I was doing to my under garments.  My pants are filled with sagging, wet, furry bricks. (check out the 10 sec. mark)

Enter my good friend, Teddy Po.  In a typical poop related convo, wiping technique came up.  “Don’t you just wad up a bunch of toilet paper and wipe once, leaving your grease trap lubed for the next time?” I asked.  His answer was so profound it has stayed with me for all of these years.  He said, “What you do is you take about 4 or 8 squares and you fold them neatly; wipe once.  Fold the tarnished side together and wipe again with the clean side.”   This made perfect sense.  Teddy Po is a clever and thrifty guy.  What better way to stretch a buck then by saving on plentiful and inexpensive toilet paper?  I get like 8 wipes out of 1 pull of toilet paper.  I have to say that this method is tried and true and in a pinch is highly effective.  I like to shower when it’s convenient, and if I’ve got the time and the shower, I’m washing, rinsing and repeating.

Curt is another specimen who’s advice fascinated me.  Have you ever heard of sitting down to wipe?  I hadn’t until, once again, it came up in a scat chat.  Curt explained what standing up to wipe meant to him using sandwich logic.  “You stand up and your ass cheeks smash together like a grilled cheese in a panini press.  Try pulling your cheeks apart and you might as well be looking at a four-year-old’s finger painted version of a brown butterfly.”  He said just try the technique once in the seated position (And I always do…ladies?).  Just like Curt, it’s a little feminine and a little lazy. He got one thing straight; it makes clean up a breeze and it tickles your junk hole in a way that only a small rodent could.

Jet Magazine...it's a black thing

I worked with the DOM (Dirty Old Man – He used to show me what he’d do to all the white girls if he were 20 years younger, I’m a visual learner) and he loved wet wipes .  Now I love them, too.  He used to carry this little purse thing with a copy of the latest edition of Jet magazine and a pack of unscented wipes.  In explaining it, he said once, “After using the wipes I’d be clean a nuff.  I’d let some little skank ho lick my butt.”  Cleaning properly was a courtesy he always encouraged.

Timing

Timing is everything.  The difference between a couple sh*tty minutes can really have people wondering what you’re doing in there.  Somehow, speculation always has you doing something worse than pooping.  While I was duking at a party, a rumor was started once that I was masturbating on a girl covered in throw ups.  I didn’t even do that until after the party and I think it was consensual.  Depending on the situation, your time in the bathroom could be considered inappropriate.

This is what my brother looks like. Why is he so yellow?

My brother, Milhouse, has the uncontrollable urge to build elaborate ass forts of toilet paper on the seat any time he has to drop trou.  When we lived together he was using like 4 rolls a day and constantly clogging the toilet.  I knew because the plunger handle was always covered in sh*t.  These forts take precious time from his actual pooping routine.  He might go into the bathroom for 30 minutes, 20 of which are spent building and flushing.  It took three years of probing him to find out what he was doing in there and what was happening to the plunger.  There are days when I wished I’d never known.

Some folks like to read on the can.  It’s really a bad habit.  Keeping it to a magazine article is fine, but once you slip into book territory, you’re really setting yourself up for criticism, and ultimately loneliness.  My advice; save the book reading for your alone time when you’ve got Time to Kill. (See what I did there?  One phrase, double meaning.)

Markings

Leaving your stains in the bowl can end relationships.  Bowl staining in general is a practice best used by wild animals and cave dwellers.  So why should you do it?  The answer is that you shouldn’t.  Get a scrub brush and clean the bowl.  It’s okay, no one checks the scrub brush for dampness.  We all check the bowl for marks.  If I see someone elses’ sh*t stain, I’ll clean it for you; but I’m nice.  Not all people are going to do that for you.  Wise up.

What’s it all about

When you go in to take a dump, that should be your main goal.  Yes, you can bide your time and multitask, but this is no resume builder.  If you want to really shine bright as a poop all-star, you need to focus.  No matter how you do it, just do it.  Get your sh*t out and get out.  The toilet is not an escape; that’s what drugs are for.  After all, does your sh*t smell so good that you need to hang out with it forever?  Probably not, you’re no Justin Timberlake.  If you want your friends to support you for the great dumper that you are, take it from me, don’t let them know that you were in there.  Yes, we all poop.  But does anyone need to know about it?  Sick.