Because you’re a schmuck, you know how easy it is to fall off course pursuing goals when you fail to prepare yourself. It’s the reason for this quote:
“Never jockey a humpless camel.”
Apr 022010
Once upon a time, in an earlier post, I announced I was starting a diet that would include regular exercise, good eating and “lots of water”. From that I learned I should never announce things. While I’ve managed to stay on track with my weight loss goals, I’ve been fighting the process like hell. Just like the goings on at Planned Parenthood, diets suck…the life right out of you.
I must explain that the problem with dieting does not rest in the exercising. I thoroughly enjoy the satisfaction of working out so hard that I sweat out my b-hole. Diets don’t suck because of eating right, either. I like salad (dressing). The reason diets suck is based solely on the suggestion that a person should guzzle down 64-128 ounces of water each day. I’ve incorporated this suggestion into my daily routine and have suffered.
If I had it my way, I would eliminate “watering down” from my regiment. Here, then, are ten reasons why you shouldn’t drink more water:
10. Peeing out your butt hole when you’re not sick or dying is slightly disgusting
9. Tinkling more than a dozen times a day is bad for your water bill
8. The large amount of urine you expel just adds to the production and bottling of more Coors Light
7. The more water you drink, the clearer you see that you should cut out the middle man and drink your own pee
6. Even horses get colic from ingesting too much water
5. When your doctor asks you to pee in a cup your hand gets wet from overflow
4. When you pee in the toilet your feet get wet from overflow
3. Your pea sized bladder fills up quicker than a ten dollar whore
2. Frequent trips to the bathroom have your employer wondering if you’re a illicit drug doer
-and, finally-
1. There’s not enough booze in this swill
Ah, sh*t, son! I moved the g*ddamn blog! We’re taking this hog up a notch. I’m gonna kick start your face with a boot full of fun. It’s not the kind of fun you get when you walk in on your parents making your brother. It’s the kind of fun you have when your parents walk in on you wasting your seed at the family computer. I’m talking masturbation. We all do it! So effin’ what?! This is the fun you get when your horse wins the big race and gets shot after breaking an arm. (Horse arm? Hell yeah!) If you are what you eat then your dog is a champion. Fun!!! This is gonna be the kind of fun you have when you cash a check or pop a gnarly zit. Did you hear that pop? That’s the kind of excitement you’ll have here. Take this thing called fun and cherish it. It’s not for everyone because it’s just for you. So come inside, but wear a condom and let’s get this thing started…again.
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